PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[Darrell KSR]

A man has been shot with a starter's pistol and beaten with a relay baton.

Police believe it may be race related.

[blueboss]

An older retired gentleman was going over he and his wife’s expenses, bills, and income. He realized that they were barely going to be able to scrape by.

The gentleman told his wife she would have to start helping out by maybe going out and selling her body to help make ends meet, the wife seeing how dire that their financial situation agreed.

So that evening she got all dolled up and went out to sell herself to help with the finances. She came back late the next morning looking rather haggard and disheveled. The husband said to her it looks like you had a busy night, and asked her how much she made.

She pulled out $4.10 out of her purse and laid it on the table. The husband exclaimed $4.10!?!? Who in the world gave you .10??!!?! She replied…

“All of them”


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[Catfan73]

Two monks take their lunch break. The first monk pulls a box of chicken wings out of the freezer and asks the other, “How do you cook these?” The second monk says, “Try putting them in the air fryer.”

So the first monk holds the box up over his head and says, “How long do you think it’ll take?”

[blueboss]

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[blueboss]

The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Mr. Smith opened his door to find two serious-looking State Troopers.
“Mr. Smith, we regret to inform you we have news regarding your wife,” one trooper began.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” Smith asked anxiously.
The troopers exchanged glances. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like first?”
Bracing himself, Smith replied, “The bad news.”
The trooper sighed, “I’m sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife’s body in the bay this morning.”
“Oh no!” gasped Smith. “What’s the good news?”
The trooper said, “When we pulled her up, we found 12 giant juicy lobsters hanging on her.”
Smith blinked nervously. “Uh… then what’s the fantastic news?”
The trooper grinned, “We’re pulling her up again tomorrow morning!”


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[UKFlounder]

I just bound a great place to order sausage online.

If you want, I can send you a link.

[UKFlounder]

I just bound a great place to order sausage online.

If you want, I can send you a link.

Isn’t that joke the wurst?

[blueboss]

EUCALYPTUS ARE THE ONLY PLANTS NAMED AFTER WHAT THEY WOULD SAY IF PRUNED.


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[IkeCat]

one time there a daddy bull and his calf bull sitting on a hill overlooking a valley. The frost was melting and you could the sun sparkling and you could the steam coming off of the cows.

About that time, calf bull looked up at daddy bull and said, "daddy bull, those cows sure do look pretty down there, don't they? Why don't run down there and breed a couple of them?"

daddy bull looked down at calf bull and said, "Hell calf bull, why don't we walk down and breed them all?"

[blueboss]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. The cab driver stares at her. She asks him why he's staring and he says, "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun." She says, "I'll kiss you if you're single and Catholic." The cab driver says, "I'm both!" The nun says.
"Pull into an alley." The nun then kisses him in a way that would make a hooker blush. Back in the cab, though, the driver starts crying. "I lied. I'm married and Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."


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[TRUCKERCATFAN]

Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd broke into the Jim Beam distillery. Upon seeing the barrels of bourbon, Fudd asks “is this whiskey?” To which Daffy replied, “It’s not as whisky as wobbin a bank but still whisky!”


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[TRUCKERCATFAN]

A UT fan and a UK fan were kidnapped at gunpoint. Both informed their captor that they had no money. He says he’s just gonna shoot them both. UT fan says “can we have one last request before you kill us?” The gunman figured it would be ok so he said go ahead. UT fan says “I’m a big Volunteer fan….I’d like to hear our fight song Rocky Top just once more before I die.” Gunman says “ok then….How bout you Wildcat? Got a request?” UK fan replied “yes……. Can you please shoot me first!”


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[Darrell KSR]

That's no joke, Trucker! Dead straight.

[dan_bgblue]

That was awesome Trucker. Thanks