Stupid Joke of the Day

[badrose]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, molested the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[blueboss]

This is not mine just pass'n it along

What did the Dead Head say when he ran out of marijuana? “Would somebody please turn off that crappy music?!”

[badrose]

This is not mine just pass'n it along

What did the Dead Head say when he ran out of marijuana? “Would somebody please turn off that crappy music?!”

No need for the disclaimer. All of mine are passed along.

[blueboss]

No need for the disclaimer. All of mine are passed along.

The disclaimer was more about not disrespecting The Dead, and the Dead Heads, I don't want to wake up to a bunch of patchouli oil bottles hanging in the trees in my front yard and rolling papers stuck all over my car.

[badrose]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[dan_bgblue]

LOL, that one I like

[badrose]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

"Bicycles," Juan says.

[badrose]

LOL, that one I like

It was a C&P but I've told that joke without disclosing that's it's the same bar until the punchline. The surprise adds a little, I think.

[badrose]

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.

On the first day, the other two are surprised to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.

"What are you doing?" the priest asks.

The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.

"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's tool shed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes an inch off the tailpipe.

[badrose]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "So, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman."

[badrose]

May be a repeat...

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side the road, beside his car.

He was amazed to see that the chicken was keeping up with him. Glancing down at his speedometer, he noticed that he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 miles per hour and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken kept up.

The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs. Growing even more curious, he followed the chicken down a road and into a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens around him had three legs.

He asked the farmer, "What's up with these three legged chickens?"

The farmer said, "Well, whenever we have chicken for dinner, everyone in the family fights over the legs, but there are only two. I have bred a three legged bird. It's going to make me a millionaire."

"How do they taste?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "Don't know yet, I haven't been able to catch one."

[badrose]

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. "No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.

"Viagra," says the dentist.

"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

[badrose]

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

[badrose]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[badrose]

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, but he's becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's."

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

"Now watch," says the voice.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number ...... 21.

The voice says, "Dang it!"

[badrose]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[badrose]

A bonus for today:

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

[badrose]

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

[badrose]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said,"Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

[blueboss]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new
husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her
if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a
preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished,
and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go

[badrose]

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

[badrose]

The beer that made Mil Famie walk us.

Just sayin'.

[badrose]

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacherheld her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

[badrose]

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.

The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

[badrose]

A man owned a small farm. The Low Pay Commission claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an inspector out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them" demanded the inspector.

"Well" replied the farmer "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
T
hen there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit" says the inspector.

"You're already talking to him" replied the farmer.

[badrose]

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend
had proposed but she had turned him down because she found
out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two
of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."

[dan_bgblue]

Hehehe. Good one

[badrose]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob, the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says.”Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

[Darrell KSR]

A man owned a small farm. The Low Pay Commission claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an inspector out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them" demanded the inspector.

"Well" replied the farmer "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
T
hen there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit" says the inspector.

"You're already talking to him" replied the farmer.

One of my favorites. And all of us who work for ourselves can relate .

[badrose]

One of my favorites. And all of us who work for ourselves can relate .

I agree, D. I've done both; working for myself and and for companies. For me, I've always worked for myself regardless; my best effort, my standards. If I'm satisfied, I feel confident it will satisfy my employer, no matter my wage or position.