PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[IkeCat]

So my mechanic says it looks like I have blown a seal, I say "there's no need to get into my personal life."

[Darrell KSR]

Oh, gawd...lol.

[CitizenBBN]

I have a joke along those lines. May post it, but it's right up on that PG13 line.

[Darrell KSR]

I got sad news today.

One of my very good friends lost his job after 7 years of medical training, for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

[CitizenBBN]

OK, yours is close enough, I"ll do mine.

Guy goes to a party with friends and they set up tequila shots and he refuses. He's a big drinker, but refuses the tequila.

The party guys lean on him and he says "Look, I'm never drinking tequila again. Every time I drink tequila I go home and blow chunks."

They let it go, but eventually get back to trying to get him to do tequila shots again.

He says "no way, every time I drink tequila I go home and blow chunks."

Third try one of the guys says "look man, party with us, so what if you go home and get sick. You'll be fine tomorrow."

He says "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

[Catfan73]

Oh. My.

[blueboss]

I got sad news today.

One of my very good friends lost his job after 7 years of medical training, for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

A Vet? Don’t we all know a Vet? Lol!!


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[CitizenBBN]

In all fairness most pet owners I know are more likely to let their pets in the bed than their spouse. lol

[Darrell KSR]

[blueboss]

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.
She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!".
She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


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[CitizenBBN]

lol. My wife laughed, but with one caveat.

She is a blonde, but she says "blonde jokes" only apply to bleach blondes. They are "wannabes" apparently.

She is a natural blonde, and since she's my wife yes I've checked. The cuffs match the collar.

So when I tell her the jokes from now on I'm putting "bleached" in there in front of it.

PS she's a Marine, and I told her the Marine joke from way back pages, and she died.

[Catfan73]

Two attorneys walk into a diner and sit down.
After asking the waitress for a couple of waters they each pull out a sandwich.
The waitress says "Hey! You can't have your own food in here."
They look at the waitress then look at each other.
Then they swapped sandwiches.

[blueboss]

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[bigsky]

I told the baby seal to meet me at the club.

[dan_bgblue]

I told the baby seal to meet me at the club.

OUCH11

[dan_bgblue]

How do you organize a space plane? You planet.

[bigsky]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is a big heavy animal and the other is a little lighter.

[blueboss]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is a big heavy animal and the other is a little lighter.

Ding ding ding!!


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[blueboss]

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[blueboss]

Genie: "What's your first wish?"

Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What's your second wish, Rich?"


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[blueboss]

Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…

It was an ether/oar situation.


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[blueboss]

Three golf clubs walk into a bar, the bartender asks the first club, what are you having? The putter says give me a beer. The bartender asks the second club, what are you having? The wedge says give me a shot of tequila. The bartender asks the third club, what are you having? The third one says, nothing I’m the driver….


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[IkeCat]

ja no wat dried ol thang on Gramma is?




Granpa

[blueboss]

While in Asia an American man failed to use a condom and had been very sexually active. After a week or two he noticed a change in color to his private area to purple with green spots, so he promptly went to the Dr.

The Dr said he’d never seen anything like it and would have to run tests. After running tests the Dr told him to return in two days for the results. Two days later the man returned, the Dr told him it was a rare Mongolian STD and the only known cure was amputation. The man told the Dr no way and wanted a second opinion.

The man decided to go to an Asian Dr thinking he would have some knowledge of the disease. The man told the Asian Dr the original diagnosis and treatment, the Asian Dr told him greedy American Dr just want to perform unnecessary operation and he didn’t need to have an amputation. The man was ecstatic and asked him what the treatment plan would be…

The Asian Dr told him to wait two more weeks and it would fall off on its own, no surgery needed.


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[blueboss]

A boy came home one afternoon and informed his mom that he had gone into the strip club. This made his mom angry! She asked her son, "Well, did you see anything that you weren't supposed to see?" The boy replied, "Yes, I saw dad!"


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[blueboss]

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?” Elmer says: “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!”


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[UKFlounder]

Two boys were playing in a trampoline and having a good time when one turned to the other and said ”my dad told me this used to be called a jumpoline until your mom leapt on it.”

[blueboss]

Two boys were playing in a trampoline and having a good time when one turned to the other and said ”my dad told me this used to be called a jumpoline until your mom leapt on it.”

Stealing it!!! Thanks!!!


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[blueboss]

Q: Whats blue and smells like red paint??

A: Blue paint


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[CitizenBBN]

Q: Whats blue and smells like red paint??

A: Blue paint


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Kari Byron tells this joke on a Mythbusters episode where they are having to get intoxicated to test the "beer goggles" myth. B/c of that it's one of my favorite simple jokes.