Stupid Joke of the Day

[badrose]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they have requested an audience and they are "THE" Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son" says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting .....
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

[blueboss]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[blueboss]

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
> >
> >
> > All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their
> > beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
> > The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
> >
> > The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
> >
> > The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
> >
> > The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
> >
> > The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist?
> > Do you drive a taxi?"
> >
> > "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
> >
> > The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!!

[CitizenBBN]

Man, that's bad.

[Darrell KSR]

Lol. Love it.

via mobile app

[blueboss]

Mountain ears

[blueboss]

While walking on a beach during one of his many vacations, Obama found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie
rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Obama responded,"Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Obama thought a moment, then after grumbling about the impertinence of the woman said, "Very well, I want to awaken
with three white women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Obama awakened with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi in his bed.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.



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[BigBluePappy]

The last hotel I checked into, I was talking the the Manager at the Front desk and she was explaining the "amenities" of the place and she got to the Satellite TV and multiple channels.
I told her I hoped the porn channel was disabled.
She said, "No you sick bastard, it is regular porn."

[CitizenBBN]

^ that's very wrong. Funny, but wrong.

[BigBlue92]

The last hotel I checked into, I was talking the the Manager at the Front desk and she was explaining the "amenities" of the place and she got to the Satellite TV and multiple channels. I told her I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said, "No you sick bastard, it is regular porn."

That is great stuff.

[blueboss]

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[badrose]

(might be a repeat)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks the man for his order.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "'What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please."
And the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[PedroDaGr8]

Sent from my EVO using Tapatalk

[Darrell KSR]

Sent from my EVO using Tapatalk

Oh, my lol.

via mobile app

[blueboss]

A Hillbilly won a bass boat in a local raffle. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .

He yells out to him, "What the hell you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin, what does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from West Virginia a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

[badrose]

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't screw with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[badrose]

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[badrose]

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

[blueboss]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.Three women, one from England, one from Wales, and one from Ireland,were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, Laddie?'The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[blueboss]

Over breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“ I’d take my half and leave you,” she says.

“Great,” he says. “Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”

[CitizenBBN]

Over breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“ I’d take my half and leave you,” she says.

“Great,” he says. “Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”

I'm using this one in an auction. That'll get a good laugh.

[blueboss]

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At

nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with

the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get

a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and

gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?’

The trooper asks, 'What are you doing?

The young man says, 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper asks, 'And what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs, 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at

night, in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening

The trooper asks, 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says, 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks, 'And what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies, 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

[ukcatlvr]

Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local KMart. Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager’s office. The manager is the typical KMart employee — skinny, glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at KMart.

He says, “Dan, do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K?”

Dan laughs to himself, thinking what an asshole! But since it was an interview he responded, “Absolutely.”

The Manager continued, “In order to work here at KMart, you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you’ve got those qualities?”

Again, Dan laughs to himself, Is this fucking guy serious?
But he says again, “Absolutely!”

“Well, let me show you how it’s done,” says the manager.
The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.

The manager says, “That’s a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there sir!”

“Yup,” responds the customer.
The manager winks at Dan, and continues to say, “Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you’re putting down?”

Dan actually sees the light bulb go off over the customer’s head.

“Oh Yeah! That’s a great idea!”

So the manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model as Dan follows along.

“Ya see, Dan, that’s how it’s done. Ya think you can do that?”

“Heck, yeah I can!” says Dan, “Just watch!!”

Dan steps up to the counter, and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter. Dan looks at the box, and then at the embarrassed customer.

“That’s a pretty big box of tampons ya got there!” says Dan.

The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, “Yup.”

A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, “Would you be interested in buying a new lawn mower?”

The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, “What the hell would I want a lawn mower for?”

Dan winks at his manager and says, “Well, since you won’t be getting laid this weekend, I figured you might want to mow your lawn!”

Needless to say, Dan is back to looking for a new Summer job!

>I'm just Bored at Work on a Saturday morning.<

[blueboss]

The Board of Directors of the Company were called in to the chairman’s
office one by one until only Jerry, the junior member, was left sitting
outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors
seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Jerry and asked, “Have
you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?”
“No, certainly not” Jerry replied.
“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.
“Absolutely; I’ve never laid a hand on her.”
“You’d swear to that?”
“Yes, I swear I’ve never slept with your secretary.”

“Good. Then you fire her.”

[blueboss]

Mat be a do over, but it's current...


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching Fox News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

[CitizenBBN]

Good one blueboss. I'm going to have to use that somewhere.

[blueboss]

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the Local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

[ukcatlvr]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting
something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well. You started it."

[blueboss]

It is becoming a very scary world out there . . . . .
Another Famous American converts to Islam ...
It was announced today that Buckwheat, Of Our Gang fame, has converted to theMuslim faith and changed his name to:
Kareem of Wheat
I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!

[dan_bgblue]

Groan