Stupid Joke of the Day

[dan_bgblue]

Dude that is so wrong

[BigBluePappy]

But I actually laughed out loud.....

[CitizenBBN]

Debating if I can us that one or not. Probably not, and a shame.

[Doc]

One my father sent me, he is 73 years old.....





My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.



We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "a**hole."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.



So Shirley (my wife) called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.



Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. Its so important at our age!!

[Darrell KSR]

I like Dorian Gray jokes. Those never get old.

[Doc]

An other one from my parents:


Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.


He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.


When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.


The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault..

[blueboss]

A lonely widow, age 80, decided that it was time to get married again...

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME..,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME..,

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED....!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON...

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see
a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs...

The old woman said,
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,

'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I'..??

[blueboss]

A woman goes to her
Gynecologist.

"What seems to be the
problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is
terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in
my
private place."

The Doctor had a look,
chuckled and said:
"Those aren't postage
stamps my dear, They're the stickers off the
bananas"

[CitizenBBN]

Definitely can't use that one at work, but there some occasions where that will be totally appropriate.

[blueboss]

I too thought it might be pushing it for our family oriented board...I did change a noun.


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[blueboss]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt


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[blueboss]

Definitely can't use that one at work, but there some occasions where that will be totally appropriate.

You might be able to use this last one...if you can remember all the Schitts.

I should say if your memory is worth a Schitt


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[CitizenBBN]

I laughed as hard as I have in a while at that last one, which is probably more comment on me than it, but I liked that one. Noe Schitt-Sherlock, that's funny.

[blueboss]

Of all the blonde jokes...


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats 4 rows up behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like ... Hellooo? It's only 25 cents!

[blueboss]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and
gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now."

[blueboss]

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a
prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile,
waves at him, then says, "Thank you !" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.
He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you !"

He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again

The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender,

" What the hell is the matter with that Jew ?”

I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar all 100 of them
but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts ? "

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place.”

[blueboss]

A fact you won't soon forget...
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead
crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular
impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout
"Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."


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[blueboss]

A friend's wife had been after him for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while she was out.

After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, he got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, he undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and he drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.) She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."




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[blueboss]

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.




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[blueboss]

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job.....
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts.. No point in you coming in for that."