Monitoring your teenager...

[VirginiaCat]

Ok guys, I am a little uncomfortable even asking this question. I was raised in a trusting home and my parents taught me I had to live with my choices and actions as my responsibility....

But that was before I had a daughter...

I do have software to ensure some blocked websites on our home network..but I do not have anything for her cellphone to make sure she is not getting into places that put her in danger.

She lives on that cell phone. Mostly Agario...I think. But still. As a 13 year old young lady, halfway to 14 I feel I need to provide some oversite..


What, if any, apps or other means would you guys suggest..or is your advice to just quit being so heavy dad!


(I should add, she has given me no reason to worry other than normal teenager stuff like seeming to forget I exist and rarely engaging with me any more!)

[Doc]

We used an ankle monitor bracelet.....

Honestly, with both our kids (son and daughter) we did little as far as monitoring. We noted who they associated with (which is the biggest indicator)and were fortunate that both ran with good crowds.

Biggest thing we did was both our kids had to car pool to school as they attended a school out of our district. Both were in the International Bachloriat program for HS, hence the right crowd, and thus needed to be taken and picked up daily. That was a huge way to monitor. That and activities to keep them "out of trouble". Athletics (Lacrosse) for our son, and activities like ballet, theater and horseback riding for our daughter, kept them busy and out of trouble

[VirginiaCat]

We used an ankle monitor bracelet.....

Honestly, with both our kids (son and daughter) we did little as far as monitoring. We noted who they associated with (which is the biggest indicator)and were fortunate that both ran with good crowds.

Biggest thing we did was both our kids had to car pool to school as they attended a school out of our district. Both were in the International Bachloriat program for HS, hence the right crowd, and thus needed to be taken and picked up daily. That was a huge way to monitor. That and activities to keep them "out of trouble". Athletics (Lacrosse) for our son, and activities like ballet, theater and horseback riding for our daughter, kept them busy and out of trouble

Yeah, limited exposure to bad crowd as well since we homeschool....

[KentuckyWildcat]

Dread this day. Too early for me to look into this monitoring stuff but I know it is coming. I have girls also.

One thing I know I will do. Look at their phone often. Not going to let them ever "hide" from me.

[Doc]

Dread this day. Too early for me to look into this monitoring stuff but I know it is coming. I have girls also.

One thing I know I will do. Look at their phone often. Not going to let them ever "hide" from me.

Activate the phone tracker so you can see where they are....and do not let them deactivate. Good for seeing where they are at any given time. It is also useful for finding them if there is a car breakdowns, at a party and need picking up, etc.....

We also made sure our kids knew they would get in trouble if drunk, etc and needed picking up but would be in MUCH worse trouble if they did not call us for a pick up

[Padukacat]

We have life360 to track location and times and the driving of the older two and it works well. As for what they see and do we have never spied on them per se in the digital world because I just never felt that was right, and I’ve got a girl that’s 14 who I have nothing to worry about who would tell mom anything, and an older boy who has probably found every bad corner of the universe just to see what it’s like. I’ve found the crowd they run with is the biggest thing. I do believe it’s good to be able to monitor their messages, maybe the wife for a girl as mine did that by having access to their imessage account. Most talk through Snapchat though so you would need to grab the phone...oh and those messages disappear I think....so see how impossible it is. I think the device called circle is good to keep them in the right places and to limit screen time. I’d highly recommend limits to screen time but that always meant I have to entertain them so you’ll be putting in the work lol.

[kingcat]

One strike rule, and no second chances if they mess up.

You probably wont need to monitor (spy)
But might need a deterrent..

https://www.thewispy.com/

If you are to trust them, they must trust you not to eavesdrop without good reason. A mutual understanding from the get go should work smoothly.

[Catonahottinroof]

I wouldn’t go one strike or else. Simply because you have a difficult path in backing up to go forward again as a parent/parenting.

With both of mine, we set the rules, outlined the punishment and the time of the punishment and how they were to earn they way back gaining that privilege back again.
We also made it known that monitoring of phones and locations was a given.
Our son is very wise to cell phone trickery and decided to block his GPS location one evening out. So when he arrived home, I disabled his car, for 3 months.
It was in the rules, as was the punishment and the remedy.
Once with him trying me and my daughter didn’t try me after my son did.
Be consistent and not wishy washy.....
Good luck Jamie. I’m glad that time is in my rear view mirror

One strike rule, and no second chances if they mess up.

You probably wont need to monitor (spy)
But might need a deterrent..

https://www.thewispy.com/

If you are to trust them, they must trust you not to eavesdrop without good reason. A mutual understanding from the get go should work smoothly.

[Darrell KSR]

Everybody is different. What works for Adam won't work for Baker and vice versa.

Here's the one thing we did that people told us we were crazy for doing.

We had no curfew for our kids. Less parental control, rather than more.

It didn't become an issue until about junior year in high school, and really closer to senior year. We knew our kids were all going away to college, and have the freedom to do what they wanted, with whom they wanted, when they wanted and with us having no control over it as they learned to grow up and make adult decisions.

We talked to them about making responsible decisions. We had one primary rule - you don't get in a car with anybody drinking and driving. The corollary to that was they can call us at all hours, no questions asked, and you will get a judgment free ride, and not get in trouble. Permanent Get Out of Jail Free Card.

We had one call like that and to this day don't know who was drinking. It comes with the territory and worth it to us to insure they made the call. Never spoken about, and not repeated.

Got a call one night when my college senior daughter was out with friends. All were legal drinking age, and she offered to be designated driver. She called me crying that her drunk dumbazz friends threw up all over her car. I told her to get home and I'd clean it. So at 3 a.m. I'm there with buckets, sponges, rags and disinfectant cleaning her car on the driveway.

And would do that a hundred more times if asked. Just glad we had that kind of relationship where she could call. Didn't feel like she had to hide it. As a side note, these are good kids, now young adults with great professional jobs. Two in the medical field, one with math/computer I don't know exactly.

We gave the kids more freedom, but discussed what it meant when they were young. It was a learning experience. We could see what they were going to do when they had freedom in just over a year, and by them, they had learned a lot about making good decisions.

Crazy?

Maybe.

We had a very good feel for my oldest daughter and that helped us tremendously. She was our guinea pig, and helped us continue that path for the other four. If our youngest daughter had been the oldest, I'm not sure we could've done this.

Everyone's mileage DOES vary.

[Doc]

Everybody is different. What works for Adam won't work for Baker and vice versa.

Here's the one thing we did that people told us we were crazy for doing.

We had no curfew for our kids. Less parental control, rather than more.

It didn't become an issue until about junior year in high school, and really closer to senior year. We knew our kids were all going away to college, and have the freedom to do what they wanted, with whom they wanted, when they wanted and with us having no control over it as they learned to grow up and make adult decisions.

We talked to them about making responsible decisions. We had one primary rule - you don't get in a car with anybody drinking and driving. The corollary to that was they can call us at all hours, no questions asked, and you will get a judgment free ride, and not get in trouble. Permanent Get Out of Jail Free Card.

We had one call like that and to this day don't know who was drinking. It comes with the territory and worth it to us to insure they made the call. Never spoken about, and not repeated.

Got a call one night when my college senior daughter was out with friends. All were legal drinking age, and she offered to be designated driver. She called me crying that her drunk dumbazz friends threw up all over her car. I told her to get home and I'd clean it. So at 3 a.m. I'm there with buckets, sponges, rags and disinfectant cleaning her car on the driveway.

And would do that a hundred more times if asked. Just glad we had that kind of relationship where she could call. Didn't feel like she had to hide it. As a side note, these are good kids, now young adults with great professional jobs. Two in the medical field, one with math/computer I don't know exactly.

We gave the kids more freedom, but discussed what it meant when they were young. It was a learning experience. We could see what they were going to do when they had freedom in just over a year, and by them, they had learned a lot about making good decisions.

Crazy?

Maybe.

We had a very good feel for my oldest daughter and that helped us tremendously. She was our guinea pig, and helped us continue that path for the other four. If our youngest daughter had been the oldest, I'm not sure we could've done this.

Everyone's mileage DOES vary.

Our kids never had a curfew so long as they were home by 9:00 (LOL). Ours did not have a curfew either. We wanted to know where they were but nothing more. Like you, we emphasized the need to make good decisions rather then forcing those decision upon them. And we emphasized that if they ever needed to be picked up, call anytime regardless. If it was they were hammered or somebody in their group who was driving was hammered, there would be no repercussion for us having to pick them up. So yeah, we had the same "get out of jail" philosophy as you. To me that is the wise approach, otherwise they won't come to you for fear of getting in trouble.

[kingcat]

The age of 12, 13, and 14 are different in my mind to those in an older age group. Many of their decisions will be wrong. In most instances that’s the only way to learn but in others it can be life altering.

When it comes to social media and the WWW, the parents are the only schoolmaster. Trust is a two way street and the ability to monitor a great deterrent.
And in the cases where children begin to behave differently, drop off in their schoolwork, or become emotionally unstable, a valuable and maybe lifesaving tool.