PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[Darrell KSR]

This week is Nurses Week. In honor of my two daughters who are both nurses, I submit the following.

A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."

"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

[blueboss]

Description: Description: image001.jpg@01D136B0.699C25C0
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’


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[CitizenBBN]

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Porsche? Not everyone has been in a Porsche.

[blueboss]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.

So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.

'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.

She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said,
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord and behold, my fianc?'s entire family was standing outside,
all clapping and cheering!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.



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[blueboss]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, he is."

"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."




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[blueboss]

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[blueboss]

Test...


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[blueboss]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?
The grandmother said, "Noreen, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, Ihave good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me ****."



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[Darrell KSR]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?
The grandmother said, "Noreen, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, Ihave good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me ****."



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I love that one. I will tell it to my nurse daughters!

[blueboss]

I love that one. I will tell it to my nurse daughters!

Thought you might enjoy that one.


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[blueboss]

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and
working in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

To learn how to invest his inheritance.

To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.


“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.



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[blueboss]

Oldie, but worth repeating.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."...
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Dominic Savino?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."



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[dan_bgblue]

3 good ones in a row boss. Thanks

[Darrell KSR]

50ish woman is home, naked, happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight. Husband watches and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just had a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?" She looks at him and says "Your name never came up...

[blueboss]

BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike!

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda so far have failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying "the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote".

General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bhang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive, Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They simply are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in today's competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is a chronic shortage now, of virgins, in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to be the one to tell 3,000 of my staff they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated the change would not hurt membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to Rosie O'Donnell; many Muslim Jihadists now see what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.




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[Darrell KSR]

What do you call a chameleon who can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

[dan_bgblue]

A woman pregnant with twins gets in a car wreck and falls in a coma. She wakes up weeks later and the nurse informs her that they were able to save the babies, and that they were named and being kept by her brother.

“Oh no!” The mother cries. “My brother is an idiot. He probably gave them awful names!”

The brother shows up hours later with the babies. First he hands her the girl and says “this is Denise.”

“Oh thank goodness. Denise is a lovely name. What did you name the boy,” she asked.

He responded “Denephew.”

[CitizenBBN]

Herm was an unusual sperm. A sperm of great motivation. More than anything Herm wanted to be the one to make it into the egg, to be the one.

So Herm prepared himself. While the other sperm all sat around all day, Herm worked out, swam hard, and got ready. He was going to make it, be the one.

Then the big day came. All the sperm were there, lined up and ready to go. Then they were off, and Herm was right in front. He set a mad pace, quickly breaking from the pack. The other sperm could only watch as Herm got out further ahead into the distance. Finally he disappeared altogether.

After a bit the other sperm thought they saw something, and after a time it grew from a small dot on the horizon to a shape, and they could see that it was in fact Herm, now furiously swimming towards them with all his might.

The other sperm were completely confused b/c Herm had them beat, he was sure to be the one.

As they got closer Herm started waving at them as hard has he could, and finally they could hear him screaming "Go back!!! It's only a blowjob!!!"

[badrose]

A tribute to Tim Wilson...

Luther Crowell invented the paper bag back in 1867. Said he'd been dating some ugly women and somebody had to so something!

[badrose]

Test...


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THAT IS FREAKIN' HILLARIOUS!

[blueboss]

THAT IS FREAKIN' HILLARIOUS!

Pretty cerebral...


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[badrose]

Pretty cerebral...


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Yeah, I had to think about it awhile. Hey, I hope you didn't take it personally. If so, I'm sorry.

[blueboss]

Yeah, I had to think about it awhile. Hey, I hope you didn't take it personally. If so, I'm sorry.

Yeah because I'm the sensitive type.. lol. Never thought twice about it.

The whole thing started when Tap a Talk melted down and I had to sign in and out every time I tried to use it.


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[badrose]

Yeah because I'm the sensitive type.. lol. Never thought twice about it.

The whole thing started when Tap a Talk melted down and I had to sign in and out every time I tried to use it.


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Good. It seemed like a great opportunity with this being a joke thread and all. I love irony and I'm also scared to death of it.

[Darrell KSR]

I was hooked on auctions after only going once.... Going twice...

[Darrell KSR]

One more for CBBN.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[CitizenBBN]

I was hooked on auctions after only going once.... Going twice...

Be sure to tip your waitress lol.

Busy auction weekend. Three auctions, real estate Saturday morning, then guns and coins to about 4. Today about 7 hours of estate items. Can't get away from them this weekend.

[dan_bgblue]

Mary was a little girl who didn't like school very much. She often fell asleep in class.

One day she was in RE class (religion), and she fell asleep i her chair.
Behind her sat a little boy named jimmy holding a sharp pin.
Her teacher asked her "Mary who is our savior the one who payed for our sins", mary didn't awake to answer the question.
Jimmy poked mary with his pin in her back, and instantly she jumped up and shouted "jesus christ",
"very good mary" said the teacher

Some minutes late, the teacher asked her " Mary who is the one who is our creator"?
Again mary remained in her slumber so again jimmy came to the rescue and poked mary with the pin again, and she jumped up and shouted "oh my god", "excellent mary", said the teacher

And again 5 minutes later the teacher asked her "Mary what did eve say to adam, when she was about to give birth to there 23rd child" once again jimmy poked mary with the pin,
then mary jumped up, turned to jimmy and said
"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I WILL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT IN YOUR ***"

The teacher fainted.

[blueboss]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that?' I asked

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'


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[blueboss]

This ones older than most of us on here.....but here goes.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman...The duck's owner, still in shock,tookthe bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."





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