lol, like that one a lot too. Putting that in my mental file for sure.Originally Posted by dan_bgblue
lol, like that one a lot too. Putting that in my mental file for sure.
People keep asking if I'm back and I haven't really had an answer. But now, yeah, I'm thinkin' I'm back.
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!".
She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.
They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
A young guy from South Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in South Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force
here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in South
Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him
he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing.........'"
"I have touched all the so-called capitals of basketball, but when it gets down to the short stroke, the only true capital of basketball is in Lexington." AL McGuire
Good one!!
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
That's a pretty good one blueboss. Trying to figure out how I can change it a bit to use it in more reserved company. Maybe something about the mother in law coming in for the weekend would pass.
A real lol from me.
People keep asking if I'm back and I haven't really had an answer. But now, yeah, I'm thinkin' I'm back.
LOL boss, and I mean laughing out loud. Thanks
seeya
dan
I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and were in the mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed at everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator before) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the woman rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24 year old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo momma."
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "When you first met her she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant."
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching. "What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
True story:
The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
I like that one too badrose.
People keep asking if I'm back and I haven't really had an answer. But now, yeah, I'm thinkin' I'm back.
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street.
Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail, they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers got in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived.
All she would say as she stroked the officer.s arm is, "You're passionate." They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again the same response as she stroked his arm: "You're passionate."
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"
She replied, "I keep trying to tell you: you're passin' it!"
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.
After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
There were two blondes with hammers, Becky and Sally Ann, doing some carpentry work on a house. Becky, who was nailing down house siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!!! Those nails aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house."
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
Really like this one:
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son explaining what happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes Dad, it's the best I could do at this time."
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
A husband comes home one day to find his wife on the porch, bags packed waiting for a taxi.
The husband asked, "Where are you going?"
The wife replied, "I found out I can go to Las Vegas and earn $200.00 for what I give you for free, so I'm going."
Before the taxi came, the wife turned around and found her husband standing behind her with his bags packed, too.
The wife asked him where he was going.
The husband replied, "With you ... I want to see how you are going to survive on $400.00 a month!"
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
one of my favs of all time. Posted it in one of the other joke threads. Heard it first when Robert Wuhl (Hollywood Knights) told it in a HBO special. Except it was $400 a year.
People keep asking if I'm back and I haven't really had an answer. But now, yeah, I'm thinkin' I'm back.
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and
take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my t&%$Ts. I can splash it on my eyes."
"I have touched all the so-called capitals of basketball, but when it gets down to the short stroke, the only true capital of basketball is in Lexington." AL McGuire
A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.
So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.
After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.
He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.
He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.
He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.
"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150."
"But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.
"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly."
"And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"
"For doing it all through the exhaust."
I dunno about this one. Feel free to delete.
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "IDIOT!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year old.
Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again ... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action.
And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
Proof that men have better friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friend’s house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friend’s house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there.
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial ..... It went like this .....
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. Well, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
A Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."
"Take the poison!"
Cool as a rule, but sometimes bad is bad.
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