Stupid Joke of the Day

[badrose]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "PLEASE come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Tiger."

Her boyfriend comes over to help and sees that she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He looks at the pieces for a moment then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're NOT going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything that resembles a Tiger."

He takes her by the hand and says, "Look I want you to relax. Let's have a drink, and then" he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[CitizenBBN]

I like this one in particular.

I've been mentally tucking away a few of these for auctions. Every now and then I need to tell one. All the ones I know aren't appropriate for that environment. Or any environment not involving hard liquor.

[jazyd]

What animal do you not want to play cards with?


A "CHEAThah".

Courtesy of my 4 yr old granddaughter

[CitizenBBN]

All of mine that aren't profane follow this line:

What does a sorority girl do first thing in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home.

They get dirtier from there.

[jazyd]

At Ole Miss, it is put on your clothes, then makeup, designer clothes, jewelry, check her test msgs, sip some tea, checks her guys checkbook account and pedigree, then heads home to tell her mom what a great night she had and plan hte wedding if the account is large enough.

All of mine that aren't profane follow this line:

What does a sorority girl do first thing in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home.

They get dirtier from there.

[badrose]

Going to keep them all in this thread going forward.

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

A person watching yelled out, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

[Darrell KSR]

I like that one, badrose.

Sent using Forum Runner. All typos excused.

[badrose]

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.''

Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a kiss?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.''

And Adam said, ''What is a caress?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''

And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.''

And Adam asked, ''What is make love, Lord?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.

[badrose]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it," and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

[ukcatlvr]

Husband walks into the bedroom holding a chicken.

He looks at his wife laying in bed and says, "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The wife looks at the husband and says, "that's not a pig, that's a chicken".

The husband looks and the wife and says, "I wasn't talking to you".

[jazyd]

Husband walks into the bedroom holding a chicken.

He looks at his wife laying in bed and says, "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The wife looks at the husband and says, "that's not a pig, that's a chicken".

The husband looks and the wife and says, "I wasn't talking to you".

[blueboss]

Husband walks into the bedroom holding a chicken.

He looks at his wife laying in bed and says, "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The wife looks at the husband and says, "that's not a pig, that's a chicken".

The husband looks and the wife and says, "I wasn't talking to you".

Ding,Ding,Ding

[badrose]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[CitizenBBN]

I've heard that one before Badrose, forgot about it. It's a good one.

[ukcatlvr]

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

[badrose]

monkey_relax.jpg

"Yeah, I've heard that one before."

[CitizenBBN]

Guy comes home to find his wife packing her things. He asks what she's doing and she says "I'm going to Las Vegas. I found out I can make $400 a night for having sex there."

So the guy grabs a suitcase and starts packing. She asks where he's going and he says "I'm going to Las Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year."

[badrose]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[badrose]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top! "You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "It's started!"

[badrose]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[CitizenBBN]

I like that one.

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

[badrose]

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck.

"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

[Darrell KSR]

Clever!

Sent using Forum Runner. All typos excused.

[badrose]

Ted was telling a girl in the pub about his ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born"?

Ted said, "Yesterday."

[jazyd]

QUOTE=badrose;79949]Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."[/QUOTE]

[badrose]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

[badrose]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

[badrose]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no body. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[badrose]

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[dan_bgblue]

I love the last one!!! He is repo man not a mugger