Comedian Quotes

[PedroDaGr8]

Been on a comedy quote recently, some of my favorite quotes:

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." --George Carlin

I saw this lady on tv. She was born without arms. She was literally born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said, 'Lola does not know the meaning of the word can't.' And that was actually kinda worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions!--Mitch Hedberg

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it gets busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again. "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You f*ers are selfish! The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now. With duct tape over their mouths! And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes!--Mitch Heberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.--Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.--Mitch Hedberg

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!--Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.--Steven Wright

[Darrell KSR]

Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn't... want to. 'Cause, back me up on this, fellas: once you've seen one woman naked, you... wanna see the rest of 'em naked.

I was dreaming of a white Christmas. But my dealer isn’t returning my texts

--Ron White

[badrose]

I don't have flashbacks, I have premonitions of having flashbacks....Steven Wright

[BigBluePappy]

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

RIP Sam Kinnison

[CitizenBBN]

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. -- Steven Wright

I fish, but I don't hunt. And it has nothing to do with how I think it might somehow be more holy to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death by someone else, that's not it. It's really early in the morning, it's really cold outside, and... I don't wanna go. -- Ron White

I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member. -- Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx

A girl phoned me and said "come on over, there's nobody home." I went over, there was nobody home. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. -- Rodney Dangerfield

A doctor gave a man 6 months to live. At the end of 6 months the man couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another 6 months. -- Henny Youngman

The patient says "Doctor, doctor it hurts when I do this!". Doctor says "don't do that." -- Henny Youngman

The more I think of you, the less I think of you. -- Henny Youngman

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to. -- Henny Youngman

I asked my wife "where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said "somewhere I've never been." I said "how about the kitchen." -- Henny Youngman

[CitizenBBN]

A few more from the great Steven Wright --

I bought batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I bought some dehydrated water but I didn't know what to add to it.


One day when I came home from work I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment. The whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast and he said "where do you live?". Right here. Then I drove my building to the middle of a highway and went outside and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

[PedroDaGr8]

I love Steven Wright, he and Mitch Hedberg take two different interpretations on a similar concept. Both are a bit of an acquired taste due to their use of one-liners and slow delivery. Wright plays more on the absurd, while Hedberg plays more on the everyday.

Another good one is Todd Barry, he tends to be more story based so he doesn't lend himself to short quotes. One of my favorites is his story on why he can't go to Thailand by himself.

[Scout714]

"I remember the last words my Pappy said to me......be careful Ollie Joe....that guns loaded"

RIP Ollie Joe Prater

[dan_bgblue]

“Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, ‘Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.’ She said, ‘We can’t do that!’ I told her, ‘You did it last week!’”

Henny Youngman

[Catfan73]

If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it without getting wet? --Steven Wright