PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[blueboss]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The woman says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."


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[blueboss]

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[blueboss]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,

'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'


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[Darrell KSR]

LOL!

[CitizenBBN]

OK, I'm using that one.

[dan_bgblue]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/902qqv_Zsec

[Darrell KSR]

OK, I'm using that one.

It kinda checks all the boxes that it's funny, but can still be told in polite company.

[dan_bgblue]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Q9khRDvGHkk

[blueboss]

Here’s an oldie…

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks,
'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen
nobody do it!'


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[CitizenBBN]

lol. Uh, not sure what to do with that one....

[blueboss]

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Ohio on the opening day of dear season. They both spotted a large buck coming towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and with his head bowed until it was past. Of cours by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act l've ever seen! You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"
The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, out of respect, we were married for 42 years


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[Catfan73]

Hahaha good one!

[CitizenBBN]

I've heard that one with golfers as well. It's funny both ways. May like the deer hunters a little better. lol

[blueboss]

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.

That’s right….

…the steaks were pretty high.

Tip your waiters and waitresses, I’ll be here every Wednesday.


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[Darrell KSR]

A man got on a plane and sat next to a duck. The flight attendant came by and asked what they wanted.

The man, politely asked for a cup of coffee. The duck exclaimed, "Bring me a can of beer, you stupid pig." The flight attendant, startled, ran off, and then returned, but since she was shaken up, she forgot the coffee and only had the beer.

The man again, politely asked if she could please bring him a cup of coffee. The duck added, "yeah, you fat cow, bring me another can of beer, too." The flight attendant again ran off.

This time, she returned, again forgetting the coffee and bringing the beer. The man thought about it a minute, and figured that since the duck was being successful being rude, he would try that, too.

"Hey, you ugly beast," he shouted. "Bring me a cup of coffee, and bring me a cup of coffee now!"

The flight attendant had had enough, grabbed both the man and the duck, and threw them out the emergency exit.

As the man and the duck were hurtling toward the earth, the duck turned to the man and said, "You know, you've got an awfully big mouth for somebody who can't fly."

[blueboss]

Oh my…there needs to be a moral to that story.


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[blueboss]

Leaving the Store, I couldn't find my Keys. They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gav...e them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
"Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop I didn’t steal your damn car.

Golden years are going to be exciting.


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[blueboss]

Warning, lawyer reference….


A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's fridge.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant
at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Dublin, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and enjoyed them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.



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[Darrell KSR]

Lawyer and a blonde were on an airplane together for a long international trip. The blonde didn't want to be bothered, but the lawyer, being a naturally chatty type, tried to engage her in conversation as she put on her headphones.

"Say, let's play a game," the Lawyer said. "We will each ask the other a question. If the other doesn't know the answer, they will give them $5."

The blonde refused, going back to her headphones and putting on an eye mask to take a nap.

"Okay," the lawyer said. "How about if I ask you a question and you can't answer it you have to pay me $5, but if you ask me a question and I can't answer it I will pay you $500?"

Reluctantly, the blonde agreed.

The lawyer began.

"What is the capital of Uruguay," he asked?

The blonde reached into her purse and handed him $5.

"Ha," the lawyer said. "It's Montevideo," as he smugly put away the $5.

The blonde then said, "My turn. What is red on the outside, blue on the inside, has 3 legs, four eyes, and can fly?"

The lawyer reached for his laptop, proclaiming the rules did not prohibit him researching it, and the blonde agreed, telling him to take his time while she took a nap.

While the blonde napped, the Lawyer searched and searched and searched. He called his college roommate, the best trivia person he knew. He called an entomologist, as he was sure it must be an insect of some sort. He called a park ranger and a wildlife official, in case it was a rare animal of some sort.

Nobody knew.

Exasperated after 3 hours of research, the blonde woke up. Sheepishly, the Lawyer turned to her, handed her $500, and said, "I give up. What was it?"

The blonde turned, reached in her purse, and handed him another $5 bill.

[blueboss]

^^^^^lol!!!

…but if a lawyer tells a lawyer joke, is it a joke or an actual true life experience.


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[dan_bgblue]

Kentucky Hillbilly Joke

[Catfan73]

I don’t get it. But then I’m a hillbilly

[Darrell KSR]

This one might be a little risque...saw it on a video the other day, and I'll substitute more polite language because the joke is pretty funny.

So one night this farmer comes banging through the door and up the steps to his bedroom, drunker than Cooter Brown. He flings the door open, and awakens his wife, who takes a look at her husband, and sees the drunk farmer with a sheep under his arm.

"So this is the fat pig I've been sleeping with!" the farmer shouts.

His wife yells back at him, "You drunk fool. That's a sheep, not a pig!"

The farmer shouts back, "I was talking to the sheep!"

[CitizenBBN]

OH man, now I have to tell a joke, but way too long to type. Maybe tonight if I get time, or can find the original clip of it. I'll look.

[blueboss]

I do love this thread!!


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[blueboss]

I guy asked his girlfriend to meet him at the gym. He got there early and told the attendant to direct her to where was at when she arrived.

After a couple of hours she had not shown so he asked the attendant he told him that she hadn’t shown up.

So the guy said……………………………………………………..

……..”I guess we’re not going to work out”


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[dan_bgblue]

Hehehehe

[blueboss]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign over the bar that reads “pass the test and receive free beer for life” The guy who happens to love beer more than anything is positive he could pass any test to get free beer for life and asks the bartender what all is on the test to receive the free beer for life.

The bartender says, first you have to drink this gallon of red hot pepper tequila all in one sitting.

Second, there is a fifteen foot alligator out back with a sore tooth-you have to remove that sore tooth.

Third there’s a beautiful woman upstairs that’s in her thirties and she has never experienced an orgasm. You have to fulfill her so she can experience that unachieved pleasure.

Guy says he can pass that test no problem and can’t wait to win his free beer for life. The guy says, hand me that gallon of tequila. The guy begins guzzling it down as fast as he can, he’s sweating profusely, his face bright red and he’s wheezing and gagging it back but he makes it through it.

He gets up and staggers out back to where the alligator is. The bartender and bar patrons hear all this banging and screaming and an awful commotion loud noises never heard before.

After about an hour of the ruckus it suddenly goes all quiet, a few minutes later the guy staggers in, he’s all bloodied, and clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s covered from head to toe with horrible scratches.

He makes his way to the bar and says “now then, where is this woman with the bad tooth”?


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[dan_bgblue]

‘Oh I’m from Texas, my favorite sex position is the El Paso. Have you guys ever done the El Paso? Oh, it’s where you turn your back and 50,000 people run over you."

[UKFlounder]

A 3-pointer anyone?

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