PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[dan_bgblue]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[blueboss]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".


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[MickintheHam]

Man with toothache goes to the dentist. Dentist Xrays tooth and tells the guy that the tooth needs to come out now. He motions for the nurse to get a needle to numb the gums. The man yells to the dentist, “I don’t want any needles. The dentist motions to the nurse to get some gas. The man tells the dentist I don’t want to be put to sleep.

Finally the dentist pulls open a drawer and puts a little blue pill in the man’s hand. “Take this the dentist instructs.” The man responded, “I didn’t know Viagra was also a pain killer.” “It’s not”, the dentist responded, “But, when I yank this tooth out of your damn mouth, you’re gonna want to grab something.”

[CitizenBBN]

blueboss -- Steven Wright does a joke like that which is great.

it's actually his longest joke. Not sure if the telling on the plane came from him or if his came from it.

“I was on a bus and I started talking to this blond Chinese girl and she said, ‘Hello,’ and I said, ‘Hello, isn’t it an amazing day?’

And she said, ‘Yes, I guess.’ And I said, ‘What do you mean, “I guess”?’

And she said, ‘Well, things haven’t been going too well for me lately.’ I said, ‘Why?’

She said, ‘I can’t tell you. I don’t even know you.’ And I said, ‘Yeah, but sometimes it’s good to tell your problems to a total stranger on a bus.’

And she said, ‘Well, I’ve just come back from my analyst and he’s still unable to help me.’ And I said, ‘What’s the problem?’

And she said, ‘I’m a nymphomaniac, and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys.’

Then she said, ‘By the way, my name is Diane.’ And I said, ‘Hello, Diane, I’m Bucky Goldstein.’”

[blueboss]

At an upper crust country club it was Tuesday which like at a lot of clubs it was ladies day.

A foursome of ladies began their round, and after finishing up the first hole, and while making their way to the second tee they kicked up a bee’s nest.

One of the ladies got stung several times, with members being members she jumped in the cart and headed to the pro shop to complain to the club pro about the bee’s nest and being stung.

She stormed into the pro shop and confronted the pro wailing about being stung and why were there bee’s nest on the course. The pro asked her where she was stung, she told him between the first and second holes. The club pro said look, I don’t know much about bee’s but I can tell you if you got stung between the first and second holes your stance is way too wide...


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[blueboss]

Going way back here...

What do you do with a rhinoceros with three balls???

Walk him and pitch to the elephant.


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[dan_bgblue]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[dan_bgblue]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Darrell KSR]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

[dan_bgblue]

A NetSurfer went into the local Pizza shop to get
a pizza.
When the pizza was ready the pizza shop man asked,
"Do you want me to cut it into six pieces or four?".
The NetSurfer replied;
"Four thanks, I don't think I could eat six."

[dan_bgblue]

A blonde went to an electronics store and asked 'how much for this TV?' The salesman said 'sorry we dont sell to blondes' The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said 'sorry we dont sell to blondes' she came back as a redhead and asked the salesman how much the TV was and he said 'sorry we dont sell to blondes' and she replied 'i came in here as a brutnette and a redhead. How do you know iam a blonde?' the salesman ' because this is'nt a TV, it's a microwave'

[dan_bgblue]

Some great ways to annoy people at work...

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Don't use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.

Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.

[dan_bgblue]

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

[dan_bgblue]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

[blueboss]

Origin of Yodeling

Or
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn,' said the farmer.

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing was disheveled and there was straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. She fetched a bottle of wine and took it out to the barn! And she did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father, as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"





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[blueboss]

A 10 year old girl asked her mommy, “mommy how was I born”?

The mother looked at her warmly and said:

Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a very special seed. You’re daddy took great care in planting it, and then I took over. Everyday taking care of it watering and nurturing it, then after a few months the special plant began to grow stronger and stronger, until one day it grew into a beautiful plant, then we knew it was time. We cut it down and dried the leaves and smoked it, we got so high we “$=^#>ed like crazy but forgot to use a condom.

...and here you are.


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[dan_bgblue]

A Lesson In Morals
Previous
Next

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chickeneggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[blueboss]

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[dan_bgblue]

Inconvenient Flowers

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[UKFlounder]

Attachment 8265

[blueboss]

Inconvenient Flowers

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

That right there is funny!!!




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[catmanjack]

Good ones! The wal mart one was too funny!

[blueboss]

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[CitizenBBN]

I never could fully enjoy I Dream of Jeannie b/c of the sheer stupidity of having a drop dead beautiful woman with nearly infinite powers over time and space at your beck and call and you're still going to work and paying bills.

Sure he's an astronaut, and that's a very cool job, but come on.

Oh, and she's completely crazy nuts about you too, but you push her away for years. Uh huh.

[blueboss]

I never could fully enjoy I Dream of Jeannie b/c of the sheer stupidity of having a drop dead beautiful woman with nearly infinite powers over time and space at your beck and call and you're still going to work and paying bills.

Sure he's an astronaut, and that's a very cool job, but come on.

Oh, and she's completely crazy nuts about you too, but you push her away for years. Uh huh.

What goes on in the bottle, stays in the bottle.


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[blueboss]

Which brings us to...

What do Greg Norman and Jennie have in common?

They both blew their masters.


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[dan_bgblue]

[MickintheHam]

Which brings us to...

What do Greg Norman and Jennie have in common?

They both blew their masters.


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Which reminds me.....

Q: What do Karen Carpenter and Janis Joplin have in common?

A: But for a ham sandwich they would both be alive today.

[dan_bgblue]

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

[kingcat]

Which reminds me.....

Q: What do Karen Carpenter and Janis Joplin have in common?

A: But for a ham sandwich they would both be alive today.

Mama would laugh at that.