PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[Owenchon]

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him..

but this isn't even my final form.

[Owenchon]

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

[Owenchon]

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

[CitizenBBN]

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

I really like that one.

[Owenchon]

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

[Owenchon]

A Mexican magician was doing a vanishing trick.

He said he'd disappear on the count of three.

Uno.

Dos.

Poof!

He disappeared without a tres.

[Owenchon]

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

[CitizenBBN]

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

That's good.

[blueboss]

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Darrell KSR]

Kinda NSFW-ish, so be careful. Just the topic, nothing visual and language not bad.

https://twitter.com/RealMattCouch/st...541185/video/1

[dan_bgblue]

Hope that was a good donut

[Catfan73]

Reminds me of the guy that just wanted a cheese sandwich.

[blueboss]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:


Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. March 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[dan_bgblue]

That man is my hero

[blueboss]

https://youtu.be/Fn8MxJx_erk


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Darrell KSR]

No comment.

[blueboss]

No comment.

Even though the C19 is no joking matter, do you think it’d be okay to start a virus joke thread. There are a slew of them out there.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[DanISSELisdaman]

A guy walked into an eatery and ordered a bowl of chili. He was seated and the waitress brought his chili and he ate it and was about to order another bowl, when he noticed an old cowboy staring into a bowl of chili in front of him, looking kind of pale. He said old timer are you going to eat that chili and the old guy just shook his head. He then asked, do you mind if I eat it then? Again the old timer shook his head. The guy got the chili and began to eat and when he had finished about half of the bowl, he spooned up a dead mouse. He then proceeded to vomit the chili back into the bowl. The old timer said, that's about how far I got with it before I found the mouse too son.

[blueboss]

"There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. " -


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[blueboss]

Nvm


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[blueboss]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....



The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?

I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'

When I asked him why, he said,

'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shi! cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[blueboss]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for a little while..

Finally, the rabbi says, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[blueboss]

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Religion
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[blueboss]

At A Brothel In Montana...

The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.
May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Great Falls."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[blueboss]

I know we have several people that contribute to this site that share the same profession that the above joke is aimed at. So I’d like to apologize to the prostitutes that are a part of this community


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[blueboss]

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house! "The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[blueboss]

the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other six Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked: "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"
"Oh, no sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!" "You'd swear to that...?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere.." insisted Ted.
"Good. Then YOU fire her."
Miss Floyd the Secretary


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Darrell KSR]

ROFL. That was great, and caught me completely off guard.

[dan_bgblue]

On today's episode of 'Discussions with Libs'
SUBJECT...$15.00 PER HOUR MINIMUM WAGE

Libs -- 'We need to be more like Sweden and Denmark'
Host -- 'but neither Sweden nor Denmark have a minimum wage'
Libs -- 'You're racist'

[blueboss]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk