PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[kingcat]

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

hahaha!

[blueboss]

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[dan_bgblue]

"What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?"

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[dan_bgblue]

How did the blonde die ice fishing?

She was hit by the zamboni.

[dan_bgblue]

Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets. The younger says, "I've never come this way before." The older one replies, "It's the cobblestones."

[dan_bgblue]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLazfBlUkfk

[dan_bgblue]

Q: What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."

[dan_bgblue]

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.

[dan_bgblue]

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

[blueboss]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.




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[blueboss]

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[dan_bgblue]

Blech

[blueboss]

Blech

Sorry! Halloween joke...

Q: Why don’t witches wear panties

A: So they can get a better grip on the broom.


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[dan_bgblue]

Q: What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
A: Their balls are ornamental.

[ukpumacat]

I had not seen this thread yet and just read the entire thing. Awesome stuff.

I will add a couple of my favorites. Although, not sure how well they will come across in print form.

[ukpumacat]

A few years ago I was playing golf with a few of my closest friends. We get out once a month or so and always have a few beers and lots of laughs. One of my best buddies, Brion, has a bit of a temper. So anytime he shanks a shot we always just kind of brace for a cussing tirade.
This day was just not his day. He had already lost 2 sleeves of golf balls and was down to his last ball of the day. We had encouraged him to not worry about it, that we had plenty of golf balls to go around. But he kept telling us that if he loses his last one, he was done.
He made it a few more holes, and then we pulled up to #16.
This is my favorite hole on the course. Its a 165 yard Par 3 with an island green. Its surrounded by water and just sits there begging for you to go at the flag.
My buddy Luke teed off first. He hit a fantastic 8 iron just to the left of the flag.
I played a 7 just onto the fringe.
Max hit his about 4 inches from the flag.
Now here comes Brion. None of us wanted him to go home so we all encouraged him to just put it safely in the middle of the green.

Brion looked at us and said, "No. I'm going for the pin. And I'm telling you right now, if I hit this into the water I'm not just done with golf today...I'm done forever."

We all kind of just rolled our eyes because we knew he didn't mean it.

He steps up to the ball. Takes a perfect practice swing. We all brace for the worst. He steps toward the ball and takes one last look at the pin. And swings.
He hits about 6 inches behind the ball and the ball flies about 40 feet into the air before dropping into the pond.

"Are you fu**ing kidding me!!!!!" he screams. He takes his 6 iron and breaks it over his leg and throws it as far as he can.
Its not the first time we have seen him break a club but he seems extra pissed.

We all kind of just try to ignore his earlier threat and we grab our club and head to the carts. He huffs after us and we sit and wait while he fiddles with his bag.

All the sudden we notice that he has unstrapped his bag from the cart and heads for the water. With all his might he tosses it as far as he can. Its literally like watching slow motion as we see it turn over itself in the air.

Splash!!!!

We all watch in horror as it sinks to the bottom. Brion just keeps walking straight to the pro shop.

All of us just look at each other to check in that we all saw the same thing. We had seen him lose his temper before but not like this. We weren't even sure what to do. We figured he would probably grab a beer and cool off after a few minutes so we all head to the green to putt out.

Sure enough, after about 15 minutes Brion comes walking back to the 16th.
We all just kind of look and my buddy Luke says, "Told ya he would be back. He always comes back."

Brion walks down to the water and begins to get in. We all just kind of laugh as we watch him fetch his bag out of the shallow part of the pond. He's waist deep and I keep thinking how gross the bottom of that pond is.

He grabs his bag and pulls it out. Unzips the side zipper and looks at all of us while we are all staring at what we are watching and chuckling under our breath.

"Hurry up and get up here Brion, let's go play the 17th", Max shouts.

Brion holds up his right hand and says, "Forgot my fu**ing keys" and walks back to the pro shop.

[Darrell KSR]

Lol. I love it. Worth the long build up.

[dan_bgblue]

Why do drivers' education classes in Indiana schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?


Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

[blueboss]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.



Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is

Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.



Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.



After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it

recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of

Mycoxafloppin.



Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,

Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available

in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power

beverage suitable for use as a mixer..



It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.



Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new

meaning to the names of 'cocktails’,'highballs' and just a good

old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.



Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on

breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.



This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population

with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection

of what to do with them.




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[Owenchon]

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it..

..my illegal logging business is a success.

[Owenchon]

A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”

The country boy replies,

“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

[Owenchon]

Hey Bob, do you shower after sex?

Well, of course I do.

Great, could you please get laid more often?

[Owenchon]

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[Owenchon]

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog.

[Owenchon]

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and I asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

[Darrell KSR]

Owenchon, you are on a roll!

[KSRBEvans]

[Owenchon]

Owenchon, you are on a roll!

Hahaha! And there's more where that came from. My wife and kids are definitely having none of my jokes at home, so the internet is my alternative for my ideas.

[Owenchon]

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here.

A time traveler walks into a bar..

[Owenchon]

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”