PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[blueboss]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, and put the paint on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens"!




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[blueboss]

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[CitizenBBN]

OK, that one made me LOL. Good one.

[CitizenBBN]

A man is driving on an old country road at dusk when his car breaks down. Having no phone (this is the old days), he walks up to a farmhouse and the farmer offers to take him and the car into town in the morning and offers to let him sleep in the barn that night.

Having no other options and being a comfortable evening temperature wise he agrees.

The next morning the farmer comes to check on him and as he's coming to the barn the man bursts out yelling for the farmer.

The farmer asks him what is the matter and the man says "I can't believe it!!! You have a talking horse!!!!"

The farmer, now worried what kind of lunatic he's dealing with, tries to calm him down. The man insists the horse can talk and drags the farmer into the barn. The man tells the horse to talk and shockingly the horse says "OK, what would you like me to say?".

The farmer is gobsmacked, and immediately realizes he is also going to be a rich man. He's going on about how he can't believe it, how wonderful this is. The man then says "oh, that's not all! You have a talking cow too!" The farmer looks at him again in disbelief, now wondering if he's hallucinating.

So they go to the cow who immediately looks at the farmer and says "no, it's true, I can talk too." Again the farmer is stunned, and now sees even more money in his future.

But the man goes on. He says "oh, that's still not all." "What else" asks the farmer?

"Well not only do you have a talking horse and a talking cow, but your sheep can talk too!"

"THE SHEEP LIES!" screams the farmer.

[blueboss]

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[CitizenBBN]

lol. That took me a second.

[blueboss]

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.




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[KSRBEvans]

Kurt Loder
‏
Good one: "An atheist, a vegan, and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. I only know that because they told everyone within two minutes." (via Anthony DeStefano)

4:18 PM - 20 Mar 2018

https://twitter.com/kurt_loder/statu...91267171393536

[blueboss]

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[KSRBEvans]

https://twitter.com/patrickmadrid/st...01587450294272

[CitizenBBN]

https://twitter.com/patrickmadrid/st...01587450294272

Where's the joke?

[blueboss]

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING IN AUSTRALIA!

oldguy
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying,
"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
She didn't jump.


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[blueboss]

Here’s an oldie...


Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab..
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets..
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired..

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said..

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "


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[blueboss]

The audit...


MYRON Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his Accountant, SAUL Meyers.

MYRON: (pleading): “Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?”

SAUL (calming); “Myron, don’t worry about it. I’ve got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it’s no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you’ve got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby . I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they’ll go easy on you.

Then MYRON called his Lawyer, CHARLIE Steinberg. His Lawyer said:

CHARLIE: “Myron it’s no problem, I’m sure they got the receipts, I’m sure everything is up to date, you’ve got a great accountant, don’t worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit. it’s very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you.”

And now he’s torn. And that night he bumped into his RABBI at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.

RABBI: “Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride’s father will tell his daughter that on her wedding
night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe...cover up, you know, be a little demure.
And the mother says, ‘Don’t be silly. Wear a low cut “negligee” with the cleavage sticking out --- look a little sexy’………… and Myron I will say to you just like I say to the Bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you’re gonna get fu&@“d...




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[blueboss]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon from New York says "I like accountants. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second surgeon from Chicago responds , "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."


The third surgeon from Dallas says, "I really think librarians are best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"


The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in , "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."


But the fifth surgeon from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed , "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... plus the head and ass are interchangeable.





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[blueboss]

Here’s a recycled but classic story

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:

"I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

And Hillary did so promise.

Through the entire 30 years of their marriage, Hillary had never looked.

But, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her. She lifted the lid and peeked inside.

Inside the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why there was such a box, and with those contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill.. For all these years, I kept
my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today
the temptation was too much and I gave in. And now I need to know, why
do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again.

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica.. I'm
disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are
addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times is not
that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
took them to the recycling center."


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[blueboss]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm over eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."


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[CitizenBBN]

This is an oldie but for some reason one of my favorites:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.


His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”


The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[blueboss]

A rich Arab walks in a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a
guy nearby wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional
locks of hair. He knows this guy is Jewish.

So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear:
'drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there'.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile,
waves at him and says: 'thank you' in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to
smile and again yells: 'thank you'.

The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew? I've
ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he
does is smile and thank me.
The bartender replies: 'He owns the place'.



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[blueboss]

A Boeing 777 wide body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 1.5. The F16 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3 D & million-dollar headset the F16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain Watch this!”
>
>
> He promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep unimaginable vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier as the F16 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level. The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot “What did you think of that?”
>
> The 777-pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
>
> The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
>
> Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
>
> The 777-pilot chuckled and said, “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company”
>
> Lesson of life:
>
> When you are young & foolish – speed & flash may seem like a good thing! When you get older & smarter – comfort & dullness is not such a bad thing!
>
> It’s called S.O.S. – Slower, Older and Smarter!
>
> Dedicated to all my friends at or approaching the S.O.S. category
>





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[blueboss]

VIDEO-2019-04-23-20-19-35.mp4

Ooops, can’t seem to copy it.


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[blueboss]

Nm

[blueboss]

[IMG]VIDEO-2019-04-23-20-19-35.mp4[/IMG]

I give up...

[CitizenBBN]

Is it a video from your computer or from a website?

[blueboss]

Is it a video from your computer or from a website?

My phone, from an email I received.


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[blueboss]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

“Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

“1955, ma'am.”

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now .



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[dan_bgblue]

That is a good one boss.

[CitizenBBN]

I"m using that one.

[Darrell KSR]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

“Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

“1955, ma'am.”

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now .



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Excellent!

[blueboss]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....

(get ready)

'You just happened to catch my eye.'



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