PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[dan_bgblue]

[blueboss]

I may have posted this before…but I like it.



A guy walks into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

Bartender asks, “Dang, why are drinking so fast!?!?”

The guy says, “You’d be drinking fast too if you had what I had.”

The bartender asks, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “.75 cents.”


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[Catfan73]

My wife said I should start doing lunges to get healthier.

That would be a big step forward.

[dan_bgblue]

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these 2 chickens left for the day as well. I'm giving them to you for free so we can both go home, OK?"
Obviously a great deal, our mister takes them and heads towards the village.

On his way back, he sees a nun. She asks him:
"Kind mister, I am trying to get to the local monastery, but I do not know the way. Can you please help me?"

Always eager to help, our mister explains that the monastery is very close, just over a ridge and offers the nun to walk with her there. Blushing a bit, she says:

"I am not very sure about this. I am afraid that on the way there you might decide to take advantage of me..."

Laughing, the guy says:

"How do you see this happening? Don't you see how overburdened I am? I am carrying a vise, a duck and 2 chickens. There is no way I can keep these and do that."


"Oh but there is a way... You can always put the duck on the ground, cover it with the basket and put the vise on top to make sure it doesn't run away..."

"Yes.. But what about the 2 chickens?" says the guy laughing again.

"Oh don't worry about the chickens... I can hold them for you."

[blueboss]

There are three moles in a tunnel.
The first one says “I smell sugar”.
The second one says “I smell cinnamon”.
The third one says “I smell molasses”.

…remember to tip you waiters and waitresses, I’ll be back next Saturday!!!


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[Catfan73]

There’s not much better than moleasses on a hot buttered biscuit.

[blueboss]

Did you hear about the Dr who amputated a man’s toe, and replaced it with prosthetic made out of breath mints???

He gave him a Tic Tac toe.


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[CitizenBBN]

OK, you got that from an old Bazooka Joe didn't you?

[blueboss]

OK, you got that from an old Bazooka Joe didn't you?

Popsicle stick…


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[blueboss]

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[blueboss]

I just took a leaflet out my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 73.

Great news, because I live at number 71, which isn’t too far to walk home afterwards. Plus it’s on the same side of the street, I don’t even have to cross the road.


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[blueboss]

I’ll try to have better posts


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[blueboss]

Two 90 year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

One day Frank said, "Leo, we both loved playing baseball and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there.

"Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, "Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Leo passed away.

A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Frank ... Frank …"

"Who is it?" asked Frank sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

“Leo. it's me, Leo."

"You're not Leo. Leo just died."

"I'm telling you it's me, Leo," insisted the voice.

"Leo! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Leo. "I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

"Tell me the good news first," said Frank.

"The good news," Leo said, "is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Frank. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"



"You're pitching Tuesday."






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[CitizenBBN]

lol, I liked that one.

[blueboss]

This may already have been posted, but sadly it never gets old….

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know beans about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”


“Now give me back my dog.”


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[blueboss]

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the fourth time. When asked about her marriages she explained; her first husband was a banker, her second husband was a circus ring master, her third husband was a preacher, and finally her fourth husband was an undertaker.

When asked about the wide variety of her husbands careers, she explained….

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.


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[dan_bgblue]

Jill and Joe Biden go to a steakhouse for dinner. Jill says, “I will have the petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter.” The waiter asks, “What about your vegetable?” Jill replies, “Oh, he will have the same.”

[dan_bgblue]

"Biden Vows To Power Through Illness And Continue Ruining Country Over Zoom"

-"Joe Biden Calls Obama To Wish Him A Speedy Recovery After Hearing The President Has COVID"

[dan_bgblue]

Joe had a meeting with his cabinet today. He then spoke to his dresser, and yelled at his desk.

[dan_bgblue]

“Buy a man a fish, He day, teach man, to a lifetime” *Joe Biden

[Catfan73]

I find these offensive and not in the least bit funny Dan. He is the president after all.

[UKFlounder]

Attachment 10315

[blueboss]

Attachment 10315

Lol!!!


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[Catfan73]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[blueboss]

Boom!!

Don’t forget to tip your waiters and waitresses, Catfan will be here all this week!!!


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[Catfan73]

Hah. It was probably already posted in the thread somewhere but who’s keeping track?

[blueboss]

A little old school humour for us this morning! 😆
Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


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[blueboss]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.



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[dan_bgblue]

Deep thinker for sure.

[blueboss]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's
nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and
charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple
would make an appointment, have sex with no
problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are
you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the
husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm
married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday
Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do
it here for $50……and I get $43 back from Medicare!


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