PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[catmanjack]

Blueboss good stuff!

[Darrell KSR]

Blueboss has the best jokes.

[Darrell KSR]

I was watching the local news tonight about a story involving a man admitted to the hospital. It seems they found 25 toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

[BigBluePappy]

I was watching the local news tonight about a story involving a man admitted to the hospital. It seems they found 25 toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

Facepalm Jesus.jpg

[blueboss]

I was watching the local news tonight about a story involving a man admitted to the hospital. It seems they found 25 toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

😂 timing is everything! Happy Derby.

What was that skit on SNL where the rural type guy kept going to the Dr with various things trapped around back.


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[blueboss]

Blueboss has the best jokes.

Thanks, I have a lot of funny friends and pass them along.


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[blueboss]

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each others stories.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"Perfect, you're on"

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"Yeah, boy! Let's do it!"

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"OK, let's give it a try!"




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[blueboss]

One day, an elderly man, Jimmy, was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”

“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.

“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”

“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Mary pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.”

She parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

"Bubba, take whatever you want."

"So I took the truck!”

“You’re a smart man, Bubba! Them clothes wouIda never fit you.”




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[CitizenBBN]

Just told those last two to the peanut gallery here. They were a big hit.

[dan_bgblue]

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,r>
Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’

[dan_bgblue]

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agent asks where and how do you deposit all this money?

The old man explains I know how to gamble.

Impossible no man can gamble daily and deposit as much as you do

Ok let's make a bet. I bet you $500 I can lick my eye.

The agent observes him for a minute and say fine $500.

The old man pops out his glass eye and licks it.

The IRS agent in disbelief he just lost $500 said that it wasn't enough proof.

Alright fine I bet you $1000 I can bite my other eye with my teeth.

The agent took a minute and made sure there was absolutely know way it was possible and said ok $1000.

The old man pops out his dentures and bites his other eye.

The agent now in total dismay but still wanting to win said that he still wasn't convinced that he couldnt make this much money daily off cheep gimyics like this.

So the old man said you're right here's how I make my real money. I bet you $50000 I can stand on the opposite side of your desk sideways and piss in the can without spilling a drop on your desk.

The agent looked carefully and thought hard measured the desk and the distance and finally agreed $5000 but not a single drop.

The old man stands to one side of the desk and pees all over the place. Soiling all the documents on the agents desk and soaking his chair in urine.

The agent begins jumping with joy and celebrating that he just got $5000 from the old man. Meanwhile the man's lawyer was crying.

Curious the agent asked what was wrong to which the lawyer responded I bet him $30000 he couldn't piss on your desk and have you be happy about it.....

[PedroDaGr8]

Came across this video and this guy is hilarious. I'm also amazed at his ability to be this funny in a non-native language.

https://youtu.be/RAGcDi0DRtU

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[blueboss]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”


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[dan_bgblue]

Give a liberal a fish, and he eats fora day. Teach a liberal to fish, and he will demand that you give him free fish for a year.
And speaking of bigger fish, A young girl and Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) are arguing about whether humans can be swallowed by whales. AOC says that it's impossible for whales to swallow humans because whales have small throats. The little girl says, "How can this be? Jonah got swallowed by a whale." AOC says, "That's not even a true story." The girl says,"When I go to heaven, I'll ask him." AOC says, "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" The girl says, "Then you ask him.”

[Catfan73]

Apparently there’s a new glass coffin fad. I’m not sure how popular it really is though. Remains to be seen.

[dan_bgblue]

Apparently there’s a new glass coffin fad. I’m not sure how popular it really is though. Remains to be seen.

[Darrell KSR]

Apparently there’s a new glass coffin fad. I’m not sure how popular it really is though. Remains to be seen.

Love this one.

[blueboss]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."


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[blueboss]

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives??

1 Mrs. Hippie 2 Mrs. Hippie 3 Mrs. Hippie…


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[dan_bgblue]

[Catfan73]

I think my girlfriend might be a ghost. I had my suspicions the first time she walked thru the door.

[blueboss]

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[blueboss]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


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[blueboss]

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[Darrell KSR]

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Omg that's hysterical

[blueboss]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'


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[dan_bgblue]

I can see and hear a few famous comedians telling that joke, and all of them would have made me laugh.

[blueboss]

A guy walks into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, “why are you drinking so fast”? The guys answers, “you’d be drinking fast too if you had what I have”.

The bartender asks, “what do you have”?

The guy says, “.75 cents”.


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[dan_bgblue]

Oh my

[blueboss]

Oh my

I know, but I just pass them along. Gotta take the good with bad. Anyway here we go again…

HOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN?
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean? His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal. That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again......are you sure these plates are clean? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says.....I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore! Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!


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