So...for the last several days I've been getting emails from DIRECTV about an order "Derick" has placed. I am assuming that "Derick" has a last name identical to mine, but I don't know that. I base that on I have received emails for "Derick" Identical Last Name in previous months and years, ever so often. I assume he has an email similar to mine, but with an added letter or initial or something. Or maybe he's at yahoo.com or hotmail rather than gmail. Something.
Anyway, most of the time, I just click "unsubscribe," and it's done.
But here, there's no unsubscribe option. No reply to availability. No nothing. I keep hitting "spam" and I keep getting them, as the spam filter just isn't working. I don't need to see his order, his telephone number, and his address--but I do, because they keep sending it to me.
So there's an option to "contact them" through their online chat.
I do.
They ask for a description of the problem. Very succinctly, I describe the problem exactly--that I do not have an account with them; that I do not know this person; that obviously, somebody left out a letter or something and I'm receiving his emails.
"Can I have your telephone number," they ask.
I think about it.
"No, you may not. Why is my telephone number relevant to you?"
They reply -- "we need a way to look up your account number."
I swear, I'm not making this up.
"I don't have an account with you. You're sending somebody else's information and order to an incorrect email address."
"What's your email address," they ask.
After I tell them that I had to enter it initially to log into it as their preliminary information, I give it again.
"We show you have an account with us, Derick."
"I'M NOT DERICK."
I cannot make this up. I wish I could.
"Oh, we can help you with that," they reply. I'm thinking--help me with the fact that I'm not Derick? Are they going to make me Derick?
They transfer me to a 2nd person.
We go through similar questions. Seriously. I beg them to get off their script. They doggedly adhere to it. We fight. We grapple. He finally gets me.
"I've got this," he said. "It's fraud. I'm going to turn you over to the fraud department."
"NO NO NO NO, it's not fraud," I'm begging, as he turns me over to another person without reading my protests.
The fraud department comes on. "What's the last four digits of your credit card number," they ask me.
"Seriously?" I ask. "Which one?" I inquire. Like I'm going to give him my credit card number, billing address, security code, whatever, I suppose, if he asks, right?
"The one you used to place the order."
OMG. My head is exploding. I cannot believe all this is required to get them to just remove my email address from the customer. I have, many times by now, just begged them to do so. I later began begging them to just "CALL THE MAN," for you TAGS fans out there, to call their customer and ask HIM what HIS email address is so they can fix it.
After I politely (OK, it's my story, I'm going to characterize my disposition as positive here because there's nobody to refute it) explain to them that I did not place an order, that I do not have an order, that I do not live at ______ street in Missouri, that my credit card--none of them--have been used to place the order, that no fraud has been involved, and that I do not have an account with DIRECTV, they finally get it.
"Oh," the light bulb goes off. "You want us to take your email address off this other customer's account?"
Yes, thank you. I know it was a very, very complex issue, and I appreciate you analyzing it completely and thoroughly to insure good quality customer service.
"We are happy to help you, and thank you for being a customer of DIRECTV."
I shake my head.
"Is there anything else we can help you with today?"
I let that question linger before politely telling them, "no, thank you, you've done enough."
