A modern History of Republicans and Democrats

November 1, 2016
A Brief History of Republicans and Democrats -- Author Unknown

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Some historians are teaching that history began some 10,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster in the summer.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.”

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their liberal men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals don’t like the designated hitter rule because it isn’t “fair” to have to pitch to good hitters without having a break every ninth batter.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally, anyone who works productively. Many conservatives own companies and hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production! Liberals are against corporations and free enterprise. Liberals want to distribute all wealth so that everyone is equal.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. Most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in later after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Liberals believe that it is offensive to mention “God” in public. They want to keep all poor people continually dependent on government welfare programs. Liberals oppose home ownership and the rule of law. Liberals desire to make all decisions based upon feelings rather than facts.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.