Stupid Joke of the Day

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "PLEASE come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Tiger."

Her boyfriend comes over to help and sees that she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He looks at the pieces for a moment then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're NOT going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything that resembles a Tiger."

He takes her by the hand and says, "Look I want you to relax. Let's have a drink, and then" he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

I like this one in particular. :)

I've been mentally tucking away a few of these for auctions. Every now and then I need to tell one. All the ones I know aren't appropriate for that environment. Or any environment not involving hard liquor. :)

What animal do you not want to play cards with?


A "CHEAThah".

Courtesy of my 4 yr old granddaughter

All of mine that aren't profane follow this line:

What does a sorority girl do first thing in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home.

They get dirtier from there.

At Ole Miss, it is put on your clothes, then makeup, designer clothes, jewelry, check her test msgs, sip some tea, checks her guys checkbook account and pedigree, then heads home to tell her mom what a great night she had and plan hte wedding if the account is large enough.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CitizenBBN

All of mine that aren't profane follow this line:

What does a sorority girl do first thing in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home.

They get dirtier from there.

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Going to keep them all in this thread going forward.

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

A person watching yelled out, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

I like that one, badrose.

Sent using Forum Runner. All typos excused.

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.''

Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a kiss?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.''

And Adam said, ''What is a caress?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''

And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.''

And Adam asked, ''What is make love, Lord?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it," and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Husband walks into the bedroom holding a chicken.

He looks at his wife laying in bed and says, "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The wife looks at the husband and says, "that's not a pig, that's a chicken".

The husband looks and the wife and says, "I wasn't talking to you".

:653:

:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ukcatlvr

Husband walks into the bedroom holding a chicken.

He looks at his wife laying in bed and says, "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The wife looks at the husband and says, "that's not a pig, that's a chicken".

The husband looks and the wife and says, "I wasn't talking to you".

:653:

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Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ukcatlvr

Husband walks into the bedroom holding a chicken.

He looks at his wife laying in bed and says, "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The wife looks at the husband and says, "that's not a pig, that's a chicken".

The husband looks and the wife and says, "I wasn't talking to you".

:653:

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Ding,Ding,Ding

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

I've heard that one before Badrose, forgot about it. It's a good one.

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."


:653:

Attachment 1986

"Yeah, I've heard that one before."

Guy comes home to find his wife packing her things. He asks what she's doing and she says "I'm going to Las Vegas. I found out I can make $400 a night for having sex there."

So the guy grabs a suitcase and starts packing. She asks where he's going and he says "I'm going to Las Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top! "You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "It's started!"

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

I like that one. :)

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck.

"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

Clever!

Sent using Forum Runner. All typos excused.

Ted was telling a girl in the pub about his ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born"?

Ted said, "Yesterday."

:)


QUOTE=badrose;79949]Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."[/QUOTE]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no body. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

I love the last one!!! He is repo man not a mugger

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dan_bgblue

I love the last one!!! He is repo man not a mugger

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lol, like that one a lot too. Putting that in my mental file for sure.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!".

She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.

They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

A young guy from South Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in South Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force
here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in South
Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him
he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing.........'"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

A young guy from South Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in South Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force
here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in South
Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him
he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing.........'"

---

Good one!!

That's a pretty good one blueboss. Trying to figure out how I can change it a bit to use it in more reserved company. Maybe something about the mother in law coming in for the weekend would pass.

A real lol from me.

LOL boss, and I mean laughing out loud. Thanks

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and were in the mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed at everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator before) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the woman rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24 year old blond woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo momma."

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "When you first met her she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant."

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching. "What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"