Stupid Joke of the Day

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".

…apparently, I’m still lost.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Steelers game and you'll see. Whenever the Steelers score, my dog does flips."

The Steelers keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! What happens when the Steelers score a touchdown?"

The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CitizenBBN

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".

…apparently, I’m still lost.

---

Hee hee! Good one!

Obama wakes up one night and there is George Washingtons Ghost! Obama asks "George how can I help this country?" and George replys "be honest like I always was"
Obama goes back to sleep and wakes again to find Thopmas Jefferson's ghost! Obama asks "Tom how can help this country?" and Thomas replys " always love the constituition like I always did"
Obama goes back to sleep and wakes this time to the ghost of Abe Lincoln! Obama asks "Abe how can I help this country?" and Abe replys " go see a play"

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

:happy0007:

For the record, of course, gambling income is taxable income. If Grandpa didn't report it, he may be subject to not only taxes, interest and civil penalties, but failure to report the income could result in criminal prosecution as well.

IRS otherwise doesn't care where the money comes from. Not their problem.

Darrell (the "K" stands for Killjoy)SR

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

For the record, of course, gambling income is taxable income. If Grandpa didn't report it, he may be subject to not only taxes, interest and civil penalties, but failure to report the income could result in criminal prosecution as well.

IRS otherwise doesn't care where the money comes from. Not their problem.



Darrell (the "K" stands for Killjoy)SR

---

Sincerely,
Al CaponeKSR (the "K" just stands for kill)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

For the record, of course, gambling income is taxable income. If Grandpa didn't report it, he may be subject to not only taxes, interest and civil penalties, but failure to report the income could result in criminal prosecution as well.

IRS otherwise doesn't care where the money comes from. Not their problem.

Darrell (the "K" stands for Killjoy)SR

---

Now you've just pee'd on Grandpa's desk

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

For the record, of course, gambling income is taxable income. If Grandpa didn't report it, he may be subject to not only taxes, interest and civil penalties, but failure to report the income could result in criminal prosecution as well.

IRS otherwise doesn't care where the money comes from. Not their problem.

Darrell (the "K" stands for Killjoy)SR

---

OMG, my wife has hijacked Darrell's KSR account. She does the same thing. lol

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CitizenBBN

OMG, my wife has hijacked Darrell's KSR account. She does the same thing. lol

---

Want me to ruin the finale of "Breaking Bad," too? Let's just say his estate plan had some pretty major holes in it.

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark.

Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy.

Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out his huge body part and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well, says the Texan: "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Carrie the crab was excited, because her friend Sam Clam was having a disco party. She told her other friend, Randy Ray, that she would bring her harp to play beautiful music in between disco songs.

That night, there was much drinking and playing and fun had by all.

The next day, Carrie looked very sad. Randy Ray asked, "What's wrong?"

Carrie replied, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by badrose

Carrie the crab was excited, because her friend Sam Clam was having a disco party. She told her other friend, Randy Ray, that she would bring her harp to play beautiful music in between disco songs.

That night, there was much drinking and playing and fun had by all.

The next day, Carrie looked very sad. Randy Ray asked, "What's wrong?"

Carrie replied, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco."

---

I may have to hurt you now. lol

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I suppose I can live with that," replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has two new Ferraris," said the genie.

"Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

Wham! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"David, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty... the schmuck had a newspaper route."

A young law student, having failed his law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

The student says, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

The professor responds, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "Okay, so I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just couldn't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise and embarrassment, all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor, and asks his favorite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither logical nor legal!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ukcatlvr

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."


:653:

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They should have elected him President. We could use someone like that.

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching. "What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

This blonde lady was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop , who was also blonde asked to see her license. The blonde searched through her purse for a minute and finally asked the cop, what they looked like. The cop answered, it's square and has your picture on it. The blonde finds a 4 in. square mirror and says, oh here it is. She hands it to the cop, who looks at it and says "oh, I'm sorry, you can go, I didn't realize you were a cop too".

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He Declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER STOP THIS THREAD!!!

I spewed Diet Mt. Dew all over my phone on the Carrie Crab!!

Claude The Hypnotist
The Hypnotist at the Senior Home
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time
for
the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a
trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew
from his
waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the
watch
high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for
six
generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"CRAP!" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center, and
Claude was
never invited there again.

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace". The owner was a little peeved,and he called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake,but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations On Your New Location".

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

"Twenty dollars," she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty dollars. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the cop.

"I'm making love to me wife," Murphy answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!"

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.


The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqu茅 and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

A cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon... two gray horses... two passengers, man and woman... man driving."

The cowboy goes "Wow! You can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?"

The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
"Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
"I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me
a Fifteen."

"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."