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A couple was watching a TV program on psychology in which they were explaining the phenomenom of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to the wife and said "that's a complete load of crap, I bet you can't tell me one thing that will make me sad and happy at the same time".
The wife said "out of all of your friends you have the biggest ----"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward, the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
Peter, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought paving bricks?!?!?!"
A devoted wife spent a lifetime taking care of her husband. He had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses he motioned for her to come near.
As she stood by him he said, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, when my business failed, when I got shot, when we lost the house, when my business started failing, you were always there to support me and you know what?"
"What my dear?" she said softly.
"You're a terrible jinx."
A Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."
The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."
"Take the poison!"
Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge ... into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol' days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG ... BANG ... BANG!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."
The guy who I get most of my jokes from:
https://scontent-a-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/...12434232_n.jpg
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."
The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
(I love this part)
"Only when he's been drinking."
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.
At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes."
The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no."
Well, this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. So he went up to the farmer and asked him why.
The farmer replied, "Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, 'That mule for sale?'"
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
"I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
OK, I can use that one. :)
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
Thank you all who have contributed to this thread. I have spent a few days on and off reading through it, and it was a really enjoyable mood-lifter!
Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A condom."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any drug store."
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local pharmacy and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."
Wow, that's bad. Even by the standards we've set here that's bad. Made me laugh though. :bonk:
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor but for 15 years I've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
How it's done in Louisiana
I get irritated when people come down on our police officers saying that they don't care about or respect others.
Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.
This story involves the police department in the city of New Orleans, LA who reported finding a man's body last Saturday
in the early evening in the River Road and 14th Street area. The dead man's name would not be released until this family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in the area. He was wearing black fishnet stockings,
4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. See there, Louisiana Police do care.
An office worker urgently needed a few days off work, but knew the boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted "CRAZY" then the boss would tell him to take a few days off.
So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
His co-worker (who's blonde) asked what he was doing.
He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.
A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
The worker told him he was a light bulb.
The boss said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
The worker jumped down and walked out of the office.
When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him, the boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"
She said: "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
Depending on the area of New Orleans, none of the attire would be an embarrassment. Pretty normal clothing. But the t-shirt would be the closest.Quote:
Originally Posted by blueboss
Sent using Forum Runner
Finally a smart blonde jokeQuote:
Originally Posted by badrose
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.
"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.
"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.
"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.
The man was astonished.
He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children."
Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.
On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car.
He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We did it on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."
The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher!"
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.
The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"
The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."
The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question.
The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.
As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."
"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.
Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."
The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."
The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"
"Well, you obviously can't wear glasses, because you've got no ears!"
The year is 2016 and the United States of America elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"
"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat"
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."
Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money) . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the engineers are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth.
The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff.
A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked.
"For making an obscene clone fall."
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
So true...
Robby was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he says, "Lord! Take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and quit drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Robby looked up again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 or 9 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 or 9 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.'
Ouch.
Christmas joke:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
Every night I go go bed looking forward to having a productive day.
And one of these days I'm going to do it, too! :sHa_dielaughing:
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The barkeep says, "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says, "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."
The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog.
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you a million dollars for that act."
The drunk replies, "Sorry, not for sale". The agent says, "Okay, a hundred grand for just the scatting rat."
The drunk thinks for a moment and finally replies, "You got yourself a deal."
The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper, astonished, looks at the drunk and exclaims, "Are you nuts? You had a million dollar act that you just broke up for a wimpy hundred grand?"
To which the drunk replies:
"Relax, the frog is a ventriloquist."
An oldie...
There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"