PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

On a crowded bus, an elderly lady noticed a man with his eyes closed. “What’s the matter? Are you sick”? She asked.

“No I’m okay”, he replied, “I just hate seeing old ladies standing.”


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https://www.youtube.com/shorts/3HwEwjnaWJg

Attachment 10691

Halloween entry…

Frank and John left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
John, the passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
Frank, the driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
John rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
John handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the Frank, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later we calmed down and started laughing again.
Frank said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," John yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. John threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
We were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying' to forget what we had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" John rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"


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Man goes into his doctor's office for a routine checkup.

He sits just across from an unassuming but attractive young lady in the waiting room.

After a minute or so she sneezes, but when she sneezes she then slightly shudders, gasps, breathes deeply, and then slowly composes herself. About a minute or so later she again sneezes, then shudders, gasps, her breathing changes, and again she then calms down and composes herself.

This continues for a good 10 minutes, sneezing several times with the same reaction each time.

Finally his curiosity overrode his politeness but he was still trying to be subtle and indirect. He asked "excuse me, but I can't help notice your sneezing. Do you have a cold or something?"

She blushed somewhat and sheepishly replied "no, I have allergies but also a rare malady where each time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

Stunned, the man was silent a moment trying to think of something to say. Finally he said "that's very ...uh... interesting. Are you taking something for the condition?"

"Yes" the woman replied. "Ragweed."

A teacher asks the children in her class to discuss what their fathers do for a living.

Little Mary says”my dad is a lawyer, he helps put bad guys in jail”. Little Jack says “my dad is a Dr he helps make all the sick people feel better”.

After all the kids in the class had a turn Little Johnnie had not taken his turn. The teacher says: “Johnnie what does your father do”? Little Johnnie says: “my father is dead”. The teacher says: “I’m very sorry to hear that, what did he do before he died”? Little Johnnie says: “ he turned blue and sh!*t on the carpet”.


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LOL! He showed his thinking.

You don't know sh!!!

Teacher: Who can use “definitely” in a sentence?

First Kid: The sky is “definitely” blue.

Teacher: Sorry, but the sky can also be grey, or yellow and orange.

Second Kid: Trees are “definitely” green.

Teacher: Sorry, but in autumn trees can also be orange, yellow and red.

Third Kid: Do farts have lumps?

Teacher: Of course not.

Third Kid: Ok… then I “definitely” **** my pants.


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Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

Teacher: Who can use “definitely” in a sentence?

First Kid: The sky is “definitely” blue.

Teacher: Sorry, but the sky can also be grey, or yellow and orange.

Second Kid: Trees are “definitely” green.

Teacher: Sorry, but in autumn trees can also be orange, yellow and red.

Third Kid: Do farts have lumps?

Teacher: Of course not.

Third Kid: Ok… then I “definitely” **** my pants.


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LOL!

https://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxne....png?ve=1&tl=1

https://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxne....jpg?ve=1&tl=1

https://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxne....jpg?ve=1&tl=1

He says it is the only way to vent the CO2 gas from the gas stoves.

https://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxne....png?ve=1&tl=1

I hope BEvans sees this one--

One day around the water cooler three co-workers are complaining about their love life.

Tom: "I'm telling you, we've been married so long that I'm lucky if my wife and I have sex once a month."

Jerry: "Once a month? Why, that would be a boatload of sex for us. We have birthday and anniversary sex now and that's about it."

The two turn to Frank (sitting quietly). What about you, Frank? You been married as long as we have?

Frank: "Well, my wife and I have started role-playing in the bedroom." Tom and Jerry appear impressed, and Frank continues: "Yeah, her favorite role is sexy librarian. I have to sit quietly while she reads a book."

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Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

Frank: "Well, my wife and I have started role-playing in the bedroom." Tom and Jerry appear impressed, and Frank continues: "Yeah, her favorite role is sexy librarian. I have to sit quietly while she reads a book."

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Wow, I didn't know my first wife got remarried. Good for her. Not for him, but good for her.

Joe took his blind date Kim to the carnival. What would you like to do first, Kim”, ? Joe asked. “I want to get weighed” Kim replied. So they walked over to the weight guesser where the guy said 120 lbs. Kim got on the scale and it read 117lbs, so Kim won a prize.

Next they went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over Joe asked, “what would like to do next Kim”? Kim replied “I want to get weighed”. So they went back to the weight guesser, the guy recognized her and guessed 117lbs which was correct so Joe lost his dollar.

They walked around the carnival for a little while and Joe asked Kim, “well, what would you like to do next”? Kim replied, “I want to get weighed”

So now, Joe figures she’s really weird, so he takes her home early, and drops her off with a handshake.

When Kim goes in the house her room mate Laura, asks Kim how her blind date went. Kim replied “oh Waura, it was wousy”


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OMG it took me about 20 seconds to catch the true punch line.

An Irishman heads down to his favorite pub and standing outside is a nun. Before you enter, think of your dear mother and father she says rather loudly.

He says Well, they’re both in heaven, I don’t think they’ll mind.

Then think of the damage the drink is doing to your body! she continues.

The Irishman thinks for a second and says “What are you talking about? Have you ever even had a drink?”

The nun says No.

Well then how can you stand there and talk about what it’s doing to my body if you’ve never had it? I’ll tell you what, I’ll go in and get you a drink, bring it out, give it to you and you drink it and if you don’t like it THEN you can talk about it but don’t judge things you’ve never experienced! So what’ll you have?

The nun says I don’t know. What do ladies generally drink?

He says gin.

She says alright. I’ll have a gin. But get it in a cup so nobody will notice.

The fellow goes into the bar and says Give us a pint of beer and a double gin in a cup.

The bartender says Is that bloody nun out there again?

An Irishman heads down to his favorite pub and standing outside is a nun. Before you enter, think of your dear mother and father she says rather loudly.

He says Well, they’re both in heaven, I don’t think they’ll mind.

Then think of the damage the drink is doing to your body! she continues.

The Irishman thinks for a second and says “What are you talking about? Have you ever even had a drink?”

The nun says No.

Well then how can you stand there and talk about what it’s doing to my body if you’ve never had it? I’ll tell you what, I’ll go in and get you a drink, bring it out, give it to you and you drink it and if you don’t like it THEN you can talk about it but don’t judge things you’ve never experienced! So what’ll you have?

The nun says I don’t know. What do ladies generally drink?

He says gin.

She says alright. I’ll have a gin. But get it in a cup so nobody will notice.

The fellow goes into the bar and says Give us a pint of beer and a double gin in a cup.

The bartender says Is that bloody nun out there again?

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the little boy. " Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire or call him an a**hole. Do you understand all that?" Once more, the small boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-a** decision or that the coach is a sh**head is it?" "No, coach."

Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandparents”.




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lol. True that.

Oooops wrong thread


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Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the little boy. " Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire or call him an a**hole. Do you understand all that?" Once more, the small boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-a** decision or that the coach is a sh**head is it?" "No, coach."

Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandparents”.




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I love this one. Spending a few days in Cincinnati with my grandchildren and going to tell it to their parents!

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Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

I love this one. Spending a few days in Cincinnati with my grandchildren and going to tell it to their parents!

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But the story references grandparents… hmmm??


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Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

But the story references grandparents… hmmm??


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I'm just preparing the parents... https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...b3d0679787.jpg

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

I'm just preparing the parents... https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...b3d0679787.jpg

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Beautiful photo, and there is no doubt that you and Mrs. Darrell will lead by example.


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Darrell, I once had a coozie that said, "I'm not totally useless, I can always serve as a bad example". Maybe you should you should find one of those before you attend any grandkid events. We've earned it!

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Originally Posted by IkeCat

Darrell, I once had a coozie that said, "I'm not totally useless, I can always serve as a bad example". Maybe you should you should find one of those before you attend any grandkid events. We've earned it!

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Lol. I love it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by IkeCat

Darrell, I once had a coozie that said, "I'm not totally useless, I can always serve as a bad example". Maybe you should you should find one of those before you attend any grandkid events. We've earned it!

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I once had a coozie, couldn’t hardly get her to shut up, on an on and on about anything and everything.


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My wife's gift to me during my extended hospital stay.............................

https://i.etsystatic.com/6241473/r/i...11319_8vtg.jpg

And then there is this:
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.


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That one reminded me of the classic "two cows" joke, which first circulated in the 1930s, largely in response to the politics of that time especially the New Deal and European Fascism and Communism. More as a parable than a joke, but done with humor.

You have two cows:

Socialism: If you have two cows, the Government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
Communism: If you have two cows, Government takes both and then gives you some milk.
Fascism: If you have two cows, you keep the cows and give the milk to the Government; then the government sells you some milk.
New Dealism: If you have two cows, you shoot one and milk the other; then you pour the milk down the drain.
Nazism: If you have two cows, the Government shoots you and keeps the cows.
Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.

Lots of variants on this one, but that's the classic joke of the period. Note the harshest line may be for New Dealism.

Speaking of cows...Daddy bull and Calf were standing up on a hill overlooking a dew covered pasture with the sun
twinkling off of it, there was also a small heard of prize cows, steam coming off them from the morning from sun.

Calf bull Questioned Daddy bull, "Hey Daddy bull see all them pretty cows down there?"

Daddy bull says "Yes I do calf bull." Calf, "Whatcha think we run down there and breed a couple of them?"

Daddy bull says, "Hell boy, why don't we walk down there and breed them all."

For our beloved legal team:

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot and do not lie).

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right.

The agent asked, "How many children do you have?”

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."



MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.




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Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

For our beloved legal team:

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot and do not lie).

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right.

The agent asked, "How many children do you have?”

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."



MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.




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Lol. Love it.

Three ducks walk into a bar, the bartender says to the first duck. “ hi what’s your name”. The first duck says “my name is Huey”. The bartender then asks “how was your day”? Huey said “I’ve spent the day in and out of puddles, what could be more fun for a duck”? The bartender says “great sounds like a great day for a duck”.

The bartender turns to the second duck and says “what’s your name”? The second duck says “my name is Dewy”. The bartender then asks “how was your day”? Dewy says “I’ve spent the day in and out of puddles, what could be more fun for a duck”? The bartender says “great sounds like a great day for a duck”.

The bartender turns to the third duck and says “you must be Louie”? The third duck says with a smile and flutter of her eyelashes “no, my name is Puddles”….


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AAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh, Blueboss. That was funny.