Hehehe!!
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Hehehe!!
A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work."
:)Quote:
Originally Posted by CattyWampus
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?"
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."
A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Crap."
I love jokes like that. If one has never had the opportunity to raise a child of their own, they likely do not know how many times children, given the opportunity, will say things similar to that.
Ain't it the truth, Dan? Art Linkletter had it right.
Long story but I will try to keep it short. My grandson has not taken a nap since he was about 2. He is now 5 and is always doing something to occupy his time. He started kindergarten a few weeks ago. On Friday of the first week the teacher sent a note home to the parents. Went something like this.
1. Very attentive
2. Cooperative
3. Crowed like a rooster
My daughter almost went into convulsions laughing. It seems that when the teacher announced they would have a rest period and everyone was to lay their heads down on the desk and rest, by grandson did as asked, but after a minute or two he had enough of that and stood up and crowed to announce that it was time go wake up.
LOL! My kind of guy!
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: 'I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache.' Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator.
Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...." She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.
Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department ... how can I put it... "
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with bated breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her.
When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.
At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating: "That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife ....."
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?"
'They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Can I get you some coffee, sir?'''
lol. Things are tough, not sure an admiral is that hard up on his retirement yet. :)
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. ... ....you just happened to catch my eye.
The Israeli Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!""I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell *you!*" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, thereare gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Bada Boom!!
:musik29:
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Two good ol' boys bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer. But when winter came, they found it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was plenty to eat.
"How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?" one of them asked the other.
"Easy," replied the other. "We'll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours."
By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length.
"Now what are we going to do?" asked the first.
"Why don't you just take the black one and I'll take the white one" said the second.
Morris returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Alma, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made mad passionate love.
Six hours later, Morris went to her again, and said. "Honey now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later Morris is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Morris, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
What do eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
Polaroids!
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.
"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"
Good one. I did not see it coming
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?"
"At school."
The robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I went to the movies!"
The father asks, "Which one?"
"Harry Potter."
The robot slaps the son again.
"Okay, I was watching porn!"
The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother.
Me neither. Took a couple of seconds...Quote:
Originally Posted by dan_bgblue
One day I accidentally overturned my cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
“Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s Larry , and I’m OK thanks," I replied.
"Larry , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,” but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes and she would give me a massage. Afterwards, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. Where is she, anyway?"
"Under the cart!" I said....
Reminds me of my favorite joke that I tell my classes. Here's a slightly different version of it, but same general theme.
One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading and she was watching television and brooding.
"Darling," she started.
"Um," he replied.
"If I died would you get married again?" she continued.
Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. "I don't see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you'd want me to be happy again, wouldn't you?" he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.
"Yes, I suppose," she answered.
They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television and continuing to brood.
"Darling," she started again.
"Um," he replied.
"If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?"
He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. "I guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding even more.
"Darling," she once again started.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her wear my shoes?"
This time without putting his book aside, he said, "Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding herself into a darker mood.
"Darling," she said, renewing the inquisition.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?"
With no hesitation, he answered, "Of course not, she's left-handed."
A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.
"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"
"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."
"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"
"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."