Stupid Joke of the Day

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

Finally, after a week the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. Try standing on the dresser!

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Wrong forum, badrose. That's current events forum, not bad jokes.

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After the Summer Olympics ended in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by badrose

After the Summer Olympics ended in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

---

How true. I drink a fair amount of Miller Lite, but I do so knowing I'm drinking alcoholic water, not beer. :)

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

lol, I really like that one. "I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.

The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.

The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.

The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 more Senators waiting at the front door.

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, 'What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?'

The two guys reply, 'Well, you know, we're from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.'

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.'

The two Chicagoans reply, 'Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious, he decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.

The devil was dumbfounded. 'I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?'

The Chicagoans look at the devil in surprise. 'Well, don't ya know -- if hell freezes over, that must mean one thing...the CUBS won the WORLD SERIES.'

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Love,
Mom

A lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological Liar, a Muslim, a Communist, and
a Black Guy
walk into a BAR.
Bartender says;


"What'll it be,
Mr. President?"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Not really a joke as much a funny image that we can all relate to.http://img.tapatalk.com/d/13/08/18/abu9a4u7.jpg

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A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

A fellow stopped at a gas station and after filling his tank. He paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car drinking his cola and watched two men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole 2 or 3 feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

"Hold it" he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with the digging?"

"Well, we work for the state" one of the men stated.

"But one of you digs a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the state's money?"

"You don't understand, mister" one of the workers said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally, there's three of us ... me, Bubba and Earl. I dig the hole, Bubba sticks in the tree, and Earl here puts the dirt back in the hole. Just 'cause Bubba's sick, that don't mean that Earl and me shouldn't work!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awakened by a knock on the door of the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awakened again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker.

Needing to really get some sleep, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME and sticks the paper in his windshield.

Soon he is awakened by still another knock on the door of his cab.

"It's 5:25," says the jogger.

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all them assholes"

And he calmly returned to his seat.

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water.

One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal's Restaurant.

Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

"Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50"


They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter. "Did you ever try to CLEAN one of those suckers?"

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.

The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender replies, "So sorry to hear that, my friend," as he gives the customer a complimentary drink, "and how many days are left before that month is up?"

The man sadly mumbles, "Today's the last day."

...an oldie, but goldie.

The old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana, watching the
> sun rise, when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big
> under his arm.
>
> He yells out "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"
>
> Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
>
> Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
>
> Boy says "Catch some chickens."
>
> Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
>
> Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
>
> That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
> surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens
> caught in it.
>
> Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he
> sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
>
> Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
>
> Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."
>
> Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
>
> Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."
>
> Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
>
> Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
>
> That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's
> amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with
> about 35 ducks caught in it.
>
> Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a limb
> off a bush with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy,
> what'cha got there?"
>
> Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
>
> Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

A recent article in the Tennessee Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, cowboy,” says the genie.. “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
********POOF******
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
*******POOF*******
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
******POOF******
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken
ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing."


And they did.


"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins
showing."


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."


And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them
all at first?


Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the sh^#@&t
out of them first!"

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"