Stupid Joke of the Day

True story:

The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

I like that one too badrose. :)

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street.

Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail, they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers got in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived.

All she would say as she stroked the officer.s arm is, "You're passionate." They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again the same response as she stroked his arm: "You're passionate."

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"

She replied, "I keep trying to tell you: you're passin' it!"

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.

After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."

There were two blondes with hammers, Becky and Sally Ann, doing some carpentry work on a house. Becky, who was nailing down house siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!!! Those nails aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house."

Really like this one:

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son explaining what happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes Dad, it's the best I could do at this time."

A husband comes home one day to find his wife on the porch, bags packed waiting for a taxi.

The husband asked, "Where are you going?"

The wife replied, "I found out I can go to Las Vegas and earn $200.00 for what I give you for free, so I'm going."

Before the taxi came, the wife turned around and found her husband standing behind her with his bags packed, too.

The wife asked him where he was going.

The husband replied, "With you ... I want to see how you are going to survive on $400.00 a month!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by badrose

A husband comes home one day to find his wife on the porch, bags packed waiting for a taxi.

The husband asked, "Where are you going?"

The wife replied, "I found out I can go to Las Vegas and earn $200.00 for what I give you for free, so I'm going."

Before the taxi came, the wife turned around and found her husband standing behind her with his bags packed, too.

The wife asked him where he was going.

The husband replied, "With you ... I want to see how you are going to survive on $400.00 a month!"

---

one of my favs of all time. Posted it in one of the other joke threads. Heard it first when Robert Wuhl (Hollywood Knights) told it in a HBO special. Except it was $400 a year. :)

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and
take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my t&%$Ts. I can splash it on my eyes."

A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.

So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.

After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.

He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.

He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.

He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.

"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150."

"But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.

"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly."

"And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"

"For doing it all through the exhaust."

I dunno about this one. Feel free to delete.

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "IDIOT!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year old.

Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again ... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action.

And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Proof that men have better friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friend’s house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friend’s house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by badrose

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year old.

Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again ... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action.

And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

---

:sHa_dielaughing:

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial ..... It went like this .....

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. Well, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

A Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."

"Take the poison!"

Quote:

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Well, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

---

:sHa_dielaughing:

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.

A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80 year old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, and Wednesday but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

An old man was eating lunch at a mall food court and he noticed a teenager with spiked hair and each spike was a different color - red, blue, green, orange, and yellow.

Every time the teenager looks over he sees the old man staring at him.

This goes on for a while and finally the teen said to the old man "What's your problem old man, haven't you ever done something crazy in your life?"

Without hesitation the old man says "Yeah. I got so drunk one time. I hooked up with a parakeet and I was just wondering if you were my son."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by badrose

An old man was eating lunch at a mall food court and he noticed a teenager with spiked hair and each spike was a different color - red, blue, green, orange, and yellow.

Every time the teenager looks over he sees the old man staring at him.

This goes on for a while and finally the teen said to the old man "What's your problem old man, haven't you ever done something crazy in your life?"

Without hesitation the old man says "Yeah. I got so drunk one time. I hooked up with a parakeet and I was just wondering if you were my son."

---

:happy0030:

A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.

A guy driving a Prius pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Prius rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Prius!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Prius says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Prius!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Prius says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Prius!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Prius says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Prius!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Prius, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Prius parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out and knocks on the Prius.

When there isn't any answer, he knocks and knocks and eventually the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls states arrogantly.

The driver of the Prius looks at him and says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?"

A Native American boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm," she said.

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her," she replied.

He then asked, "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived," the mother replied.

The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Torn Condom, why are you so curious?"

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

Quote:

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"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

---

:671:

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The hunters objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, the pilot asked, "Any idea where we are?"

One of the hunters responded, "Not sure but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.

He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich one day. They sit at the bar and the bartender asks the man what will you have?

The man say a screwdriver.

Bartender asks the ostrich what they were having.

Ostrich says the same thing as him.

Bartender sits the drinks down and says that will be $9.50. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount and sits it on the bar.

This goes on for several days except for the different kind of drinks. Every day at the same time, ostrich always gets the same drink as the man and he always has the exact amount of money in his pocket.

One day the bartender asks him, you are always the same time, ostrich always has the same drink as you and you always have the exact amount of money in your pocket.

Man says, one day I found an old bottle and when I opened it a genie popped out and said that I 3 wishes.

Man says, first one was to always have the exact amount of money in my pocket that I always needed.

Bartender says OK but asks what was wish #2 & #3?

Man says that it was a female that would always agree with him and have long legs.

OK, today's JOTD was so bad I'd decided to not post it. However, I'm going against my conscience and posting it anyway. (It was a WWDD moment. What would Darrell do?) :evilgrin0007:

How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

Look for sesame seed buns.

Lol.

And I like the joke. My maturity level is set quite low.

Sent using Forum Runner.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by badrose

OK, today's JOTD was so bad I'd decided to not post it. However, I'm going against my conscience and posting it anyway. (It was a WWDD moment. What would Darrell do?) :evilgrin0007:

How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

Look for sesame seed buns.

---

Wow. I can see why you debated posting it. :)

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses, "Yes, yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife has admitted hits him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."