PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KSRBEvans

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DZzcyVwX0AA8Vdh.jpg

https://twitter.com/patrickmadrid/st...01587450294272

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Where's the joke? ;)

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING IN AUSTRALIA!

oldguy
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying,
"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
She didn't jump.


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Here’s an oldie...


Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab..
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets..
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired..

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said..

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "


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The audit...


MYRON Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his Accountant, SAUL Meyers.

MYRON: (pleading): “Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?”

SAUL (calming); “Myron, don’t worry about it. I’ve got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it’s no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you’ve got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby . I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they’ll go easy on you.

Then MYRON called his Lawyer, CHARLIE Steinberg. His Lawyer said:

CHARLIE: “Myron it’s no problem, I’m sure they got the receipts, I’m sure everything is up to date, you’ve got a great accountant, don’t worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit. it’s very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you.”

And now he’s torn. And that night he bumped into his RABBI at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.

RABBI: “Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride’s father will tell his daughter that on her wedding
night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe...cover up, you know, be a little demure.
And the mother says, ‘Don’t be silly. Wear a low cut “negligee” with the cleavage sticking out --- look a little sexy’………… and Myron I will say to you just like I say to the Bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you’re gonna get fu&@“d...




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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon from New York says "I like accountants. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second surgeon from Chicago responds , "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."


The third surgeon from Dallas says, "I really think librarians are best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"


The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in , "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."


But the fifth surgeon from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed , "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... plus the head and ass are interchangeable.





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Here’s a recycled but classic story

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:

"I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

And Hillary did so promise.

Through the entire 30 years of their marriage, Hillary had never looked.

But, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her. She lifted the lid and peeked inside.

Inside the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why there was such a box, and with those contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill.. For all these years, I kept
my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today
the temptation was too much and I gave in. And now I need to know, why
do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again.

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica.. I'm
disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are
addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times is not
that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
took them to the recycling center."


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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm over eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."


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This is an oldie but for some reason one of my favorites:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.


His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”


The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A rich Arab walks in a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a
guy nearby wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional
locks of hair. He knows this guy is Jewish.

So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear:
'drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there'.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile,
waves at him and says: 'thank you' in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to
smile and again yells: 'thank you'.

The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew? I've
ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he
does is smile and thank me.
The bartender replies: 'He owns the place'.



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A Boeing 777 wide body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 1.5. The F16 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3 D & million-dollar headset the F16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain Watch this!”
>
>
> He promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep unimaginable vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier as the F16 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level. The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot “What did you think of that?”
>
> The 777-pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
>
> The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
>
> Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
>
> The 777-pilot chuckled and said, “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company”
>
> Lesson of life:
>
> When you are young & foolish – speed & flash may seem like a good thing! When you get older & smarter – comfort & dullness is not such a bad thing!
>
> It’s called S.O.S. – Slower, Older and Smarter!
>
> Dedicated to all my friends at or approaching the S.O.S. category
>





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VIDEO-2019-04-23-20-19-35.mp4

Ooops, can’t seem to copy it.


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Nm

[IMG]VIDEO-2019-04-23-20-19-35.mp4[/IMG]

I give up...

Is it a video from your computer or from a website?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CitizenBBN

Is it a video from your computer or from a website?

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My phone, from an email I received.


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A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

“Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

“1955, ma'am.”

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now .



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That is a good one boss.

I"m using that one.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

“Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

“1955, ma'am.”

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now .



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Excellent!

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....

(get ready)

'You just happened to catch my eye.'



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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".


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Man with toothache goes to the dentist. Dentist Xrays tooth and tells the guy that the tooth needs to come out now. He motions for the nurse to get a needle to numb the gums. The man yells to the dentist, “I don’t want any needles. The dentist motions to the nurse to get some gas. The man tells the dentist I don’t want to be put to sleep.

Finally the dentist pulls open a drawer and puts a little blue pill in the man’s hand. “Take this the dentist instructs.” The man responded, “I didn’t know Viagra was also a pain killer.” “It’s not”, the dentist responded, “But, when I yank this tooth out of your damn mouth, you’re gonna want to grab something.”

blueboss -- Steven Wright does a joke like that which is great.

it's actually his longest joke. Not sure if the telling on the plane came from him or if his came from it.

“I was on a bus and I started talking to this blond Chinese girl and she said, ‘Hello,’ and I said, ‘Hello, isn’t it an amazing day?’

And she said, ‘Yes, I guess.’ And I said, ‘What do you mean, “I guess”?’

And she said, ‘Well, things haven’t been going too well for me lately.’ I said, ‘Why?’

She said, ‘I can’t tell you. I don’t even know you.’ And I said, ‘Yeah, but sometimes it’s good to tell your problems to a total stranger on a bus.’

And she said, ‘Well, I’ve just come back from my analyst and he’s still unable to help me.’ And I said, ‘What’s the problem?’

And she said, ‘I’m a nymphomaniac, and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys.’

Then she said, ‘By the way, my name is Diane.’ And I said, ‘Hello, Diane, I’m Bucky Goldstein.’”

At an upper crust country club it was Tuesday which like at a lot of clubs it was ladies day.

A foursome of ladies began their round, and after finishing up the first hole, and while making their way to the second tee they kicked up a bee’s nest.

One of the ladies got stung several times, with members being members she jumped in the cart and headed to the pro shop to complain to the club pro about the bee’s nest and being stung.

She stormed into the pro shop and confronted the pro wailing about being stung and why were there bee’s nest on the course. The pro asked her where she was stung, she told him between the first and second holes. The club pro said look, I don’t know much about bee’s but I can tell you if you got stung between the first and second holes your stance is way too wide...


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Going way back here...

What do you do with a rhinoceros with three balls???

Walk him and pitch to the elephant.


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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

A NetSurfer went into the local Pizza shop to get
a pizza.
When the pizza was ready the pizza shop man asked,
"Do you want me to cut it into six pieces or four?".
The NetSurfer replied;
"Four thanks, I don't think I could eat six."

A blonde went to an electronics store and asked 'how much for this TV?' The salesman said 'sorry we dont sell to blondes' The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said 'sorry we dont sell to blondes' she came back as a redhead and asked the salesman how much the TV was and he said 'sorry we dont sell to blondes' and she replied 'i came in here as a brutnette and a redhead. How do you know iam a blonde?' the salesman ' because this is'nt a TV, it's a microwave'

Some great ways to annoy people at work...

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Don't use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.

Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Origin of Yodeling

Or
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn,' said the farmer.

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing was disheveled and there was straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. She fetched a bottle of wine and took it out to the barn! And she did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father, as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"





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A 10 year old girl asked her mommy, “mommy how was I born”?

The mother looked at her warmly and said:

Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a very special seed. You’re daddy took great care in planting it, and then I took over. Everyday taking care of it watering and nurturing it, then after a few months the special plant began to grow stronger and stronger, until one day it grew into a beautiful plant, then we knew it was time. We cut it down and dried the leaves and smoked it, we got so high we “$=^#>ed like crazy but forgot to use a condom.

...and here you are.


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A Lesson In Morals
Previous
Next

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chickeneggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...c6006bfb6d.jpg


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Inconvenient Flowers

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

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