PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

I saw where Lance Ware is going to be playing in the summer league and it made me think, you don’t really hear of a lot of kids being named Lance nowadays. Back in the day they named their kids Lancelot.

I once worked in a bakery to get by…

…I kneaded the dough.


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Hope this isn't too risque for the thread.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

Hope this isn't too risque for the thread.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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LOL!!! but you should have gotten the chicken sandwich.


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Mario is planning to marry
and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a Virgin.
His doctor says,
"Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a
Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit
A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?
The doctor replies,
"Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says,
'That's the strangest pair of balls
I've ever seen!',
You hit her with the shovel.


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A guy was driving home and sees a homeless man. He pulls over and says “Hey buddy. If I give you $50 you won’t just go spend it on booze will you?” The homeless man says “Oh no sir. I gave up drinking years ago!”

The guy says “Okay well if I give you $50 you’re not just going to spend it on golf are you?” The homeless man says “Oh no sir. I gave up golf around the same time I gave up drinking.”

The guy says “Okay tell you what. I’ll get my wife to fix you a nice hot meal and I’ll give you that $50.” The homeless man says, “Yes sir! Is your wife a good cook?”

The guy says “Not particularly. I just want her to see what happens to a man when you give up drinking and golf.”

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Catfan73

A guy was driving home and sees a homeless man. He pulls over and says “Hey buddy. If I give you $50 you won’t just go spend it on booze will you?” The homeless man says “Oh no sir. I gave up drinking years ago!”

The guy says “Okay well if I give you $50 you’re not just going to spend it on golf are you?” The homeless man says “Oh no sir. I gave up golf around the same time I gave up drinking.”

The guy says “Okay tell you what. I’ll get my wife to fix you a nice hot meal and I’ll give you that $50.” The homeless man says, “Yes sir! Is your wife a good cook?”

The guy says “Not particularly. I just want her to see what happens to a man when you give up drinking and golf.”

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OMG, that's the best joke ever.

I figured you’d like that one.

Here's one that I think plays better if you watch this priest tell it.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DNMTW...U3dGhqbHk2NQ==

I had a Zoom meeting this morning, and I told a joke.

Nobody laughed. Crickets. Dead silence.

Turns out, I'm not even remotely funny.

Oh that’s great!

I have polish friend that’s a sound guy, I have Czech one too.


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A woman goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any viagra?”

He replies, “Yes, we have viagra.”

“Does it work?” she asks.

“Sure, it works fine.” he replies.

The woman says “Can you get it over the counter?”

“Hmm…maybe if I take two.”

MY DAD SHOWED ΜΕ A 30 MINUTE POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ON WHY ONE SHOULD ALWAYS WEAR CONDOM DURING SEX.

ALL THE SLIDES WERE JUST PICTURES OF ME


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Just found out that company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

I'm in search for someone to assist with milking cows on my dairy farm.

Must work well with udders.


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I saw on the news where a prison bus collided with a cement mixer today.

They said to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa...
naked…


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Little Timmy attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his dad moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, slapping their rumps, and putting his hands on their chests.
After a while, Timmy asked,
“Dad, why are you doing that?”
His dad replied,
“When I’m buying horses, I have to make sure they’re healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Timmy, looking worried, said…
“Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”


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A woman in court was charged with stealing a can of peaches.
The judge asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She replied, "There were 4."
The judge told her that she would serve 1 month for each peach.
As she was being led away, her husband shouted from the public gallery,
"What about the bag of peas?!"


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Man is sitting at a bar, nursing a beer, all despondent. Bartender asks, "what's got you down."

Man looks up, and said, "well, I kicked my wife out of the house. I found her in bed having sex with my best friend."

Bartender says, "that's terrible, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you tell your best friend?"

Man says, "Oh, I was mad at him, too. I shouted, 'bad dog! Bad dog!'"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

Man is sitting at a bar, nursing a beer, all despondent. Bartender asks, "what's got you down."

Man looks up, and said, "well, I kicked my wife out of the house. I found her in bed having sex with my best friend."

Bartender says, "that's terrible, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you tell your best friend?"

Man says, "Oh, I was mad at him, too. I shouted, 'bad dog! Bad dog!'"

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Well that went sideways!! Sort of…


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Honey…

We’ve been together for four years why do you scratch my “man parts” before you fall asleep?

Since my operation five years ago I found out how much I really miss mine.


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BENEFITS OF A GOOD VOCABULARY!
My husband recently called an old engineering buddy of his and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment." He was impressed - until he learned that his buddy was actually just washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.


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A waitress noticed a man at the next table slowly sliding down his chair until he completely disappeared under the table. The woman with him didn’t even flinch.

Concerned, the waitress leaned over and whispered,
“Excuse me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table…”

The woman calmly replied,
“Oh no, darling, my husband just walked in the door.”


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Did you know, when the smog clears in California…

UCLA


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I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

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Should be a best seller, I heard their flying off the shelves


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Okay this is terrible, just terrible….

A man was playing golf with his buddy when a couple of guys from the school for the deaf and mute come up and sign “Can we play through please?” The man and his buddy laughed and the first one said, “I don’t know what you’re trying to say but back off,” then went on and hit his tee shot. A few minutes later as he lined up his second shot, a golf ball plunks him on the head and knocks him out cold.

As his buddy revives him, the two deaf-mute guys appear. One walks up and emphatically holds up four fingers.

Lol.