PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

Man is sitting at a bar, nursing a beer, all despondent. Bartender asks, "what's got you down."

Man looks up, and said, "well, I kicked my wife out of the house. I found her in bed having sex with my best friend."

Bartender says, "that's terrible, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you tell your best friend?"

Man says, "Oh, I was mad at him, too. I shouted, 'bad dog! Bad dog!'"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

Man is sitting at a bar, nursing a beer, all despondent. Bartender asks, "what's got you down."

Man looks up, and said, "well, I kicked my wife out of the house. I found her in bed having sex with my best friend."

Bartender says, "that's terrible, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you tell your best friend?"

Man says, "Oh, I was mad at him, too. I shouted, 'bad dog! Bad dog!'"

---

Well that went sideways!! Sort of…


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Honey…

We’ve been together for four years why do you scratch my “man parts” before you fall asleep?

Since my operation five years ago I found out how much I really miss mine.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

BENEFITS OF A GOOD VOCABULARY!
My husband recently called an old engineering buddy of his and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment." He was impressed - until he learned that his buddy was actually just washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A waitress noticed a man at the next table slowly sliding down his chair until he completely disappeared under the table. The woman with him didn’t even flinch.

Concerned, the waitress leaned over and whispered,
“Excuse me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table…”

The woman calmly replied,
“Oh no, darling, my husband just walked in the door.”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Did you know, when the smog clears in California…

UCLA


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

---

Should be a best seller, I heard their flying off the shelves


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Okay this is terrible, just terrible….

A man was playing golf with his buddy when a couple of guys from the school for the deaf and mute come up and sign “Can we play through please?” The man and his buddy laughed and the first one said, “I don’t know what you’re trying to say but back off,” then went on and hit his tee shot. A few minutes later as he lined up his second shot, a golf ball plunks him on the head and knocks him out cold.

As his buddy revives him, the two deaf-mute guys appear. One walks up and emphatically holds up four fingers.

Lol.

A man has been shot with a starter's pistol and beaten with a relay baton.

Police believe it may be race related.

An older retired gentleman was going over he and his wife’s expenses, bills, and income. He realized that they were barely going to be able to scrape by.

The gentleman told his wife she would have to start helping out by maybe going out and selling her body to help make ends meet, the wife seeing how dire that their financial situation agreed.

So that evening she got all dolled up and went out to sell herself to help with the finances. She came back late the next morning looking rather haggard and disheveled. The husband said to her it looks like you had a busy night, and asked her how much she made.

She pulled out $4.10 out of her purse and laid it on the table. The husband exclaimed $4.10!?!? Who in the world gave you .10??!!?! She replied…

“All of them”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Two monks take their lunch break. The first monk pulls a box of chicken wings out of the freezer and asks the other, “How do you cook these?” The second monk says, “Try putting them in the air fryer.”

So the first monk holds the box up over his head and says, “How long do you think it’ll take?”

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...caf14e57d1.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Mr. Smith opened his door to find two serious-looking State Troopers.
“Mr. Smith, we regret to inform you we have news regarding your wife,” one trooper began.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” Smith asked anxiously.
The troopers exchanged glances. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like first?”
Bracing himself, Smith replied, “The bad news.”
The trooper sighed, “I’m sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife’s body in the bay this morning.”
“Oh no!” gasped Smith. “What’s the good news?”
The trooper said, “When we pulled her up, we found 12 giant juicy lobsters hanging on her.”
Smith blinked nervously. “Uh… then what’s the fantastic news?”
The trooper grinned, “We’re pulling her up again tomorrow morning!”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I just bound a great place to order sausage online.

If you want, I can send you a link.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by UKFlounder

I just bound a great place to order sausage online.

If you want, I can send you a link.

---

Isn’t that joke the wurst?

EUCALYPTUS ARE THE ONLY PLANTS NAMED AFTER WHAT THEY WOULD SAY IF PRUNED.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

one time there a daddy bull and his calf bull sitting on a hill overlooking a valley. The frost was melting and you could the sun sparkling and you could the steam coming off of the cows.

About that time, calf bull looked up at daddy bull and said, "daddy bull, those cows sure do look pretty down there, don't they? Why don't run down there and breed a couple of them?"

daddy bull looked down at calf bull and said, "Hell calf bull, why don't we walk down and breed them all?"