PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

An oldie, from an oldie, about an oldie…but still holds it own.


An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."'
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand...
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains...


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Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!
"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"


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An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


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A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. “You ok?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says. ‘Why’s that sweetie?’ says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, “Because I’m the Goalie !”


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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???


…I know, it’s a long way.


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Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" !!
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer" ???


…I know, it’s a long way.


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Lol. Worth it.

I had to stop for a sandwich and a beer, and ask directions twice, but still a nice trip.... ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CitizenBBN

I had to stop for a sandwich and a beer, and ask directions twice, but still a nice trip.... ;)

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So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich, a beer, and directions to another bar, when he gets to the next bar he asks for directions to another bar…


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Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

So a guy walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich, a beer, and directions to another bar, when he gets to the next bar he asks for directions to another bar…


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That's why I go to Key West. They're all on one street, you can't miss them. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CitizenBBN

I had to stop for a sandwich and a beer, and ask directions twice, but still a nice trip.... ;)

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Yep - reading that, I thought Darrell was back and posting again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CitizenBBN

That's why I go to Key West. They're all on one street, you can't miss them. :)

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Depends on how inebriated you get.
I have been so drunk in my younger days that it was possible to get lost on a driveway...

Tough crowd…


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An Arizona Highway Patrol officer pulls over a Harley rider for speeding and asks for his name.
“Fred,” the old biker replies.
“Fred what?” the officer inquires.
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
In a good mood and thinking about letting the biker off with a warning, the officer presses, “Come on, what’s your last name?”
The old man sighs and says, “I used to have a last name, but I lost it.”
The officer, now curious and a bit amused, decides to play along. “Okay, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The biker leans back and begins his tale. “Well, it’s a long story. I was born Fred Johnson. Worked hard in school, got good grades, and decided to become a doctor. After years of study, I earned my degree and became Fred Johnson, MD.
But after a while, being a doctor got dull, so I went back to school and became a dentist. Now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Things were fine until I started fooling around with my assistant, and she gave me VD. So then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
The ADA found out about the VD and took away my DDS, so I was just Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA heard about it, and they took away my MD, so I was just Fred Johnson with VD.
Finally, the VD took away my Johnson, and that’s how I became… Just Fred.”
The officer walked away, laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.


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God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then he made the world round and then he laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dan_bgblue

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then he made the world round and then he laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

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That’s great!!


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A highly respected gynecologist had been at his job for twenty years when one day he realized he was fed up with his job, so much so he wanted to change to a career that was completely different from what he had been doing for so long.

After much thought he decided he wanted to be an auto mechanic. He bought all of the books he could find and began to study and learn as much as he could about automobiles with the same devotion and hard work as when he was in medical school.

Some time had passed and he felt it was time to take the test to be become a licensed auto mechanic. The test consisted of completely taking an engine apart and putting it back together again.

After taking the test he received his final grade and was confused by the score of 125%. After all of his time in medical school he had never seen a grade of 125%, so he went to the instructor and said he didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth but how could a score of 125% be possible?

The instructor explained that taking the engine apart properly without damaging anything was responsible for 50% of the grade. Then putting the engine back together properly was also responsible for 50% of the grade. So the guy asked, ok I get that but where did the other 25% come from? The instructor explained that he had seen plenty of people take an engine apart and reassemble it properly, but in all of his years he had never seen anyone do it through a 4 inch tail pipe.


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The IRS suspected a fisherman of not paying his employees proper wages so they sent an agent to investigate. The agent went to the boat owners house and told him he would need a list of his employees and how much he was paying them.

The boat owner said “I have a deck hand that’s been with me over three years. I pay him $1000.00 a week and give him free room and board”. “Then there’s a mentally challenged guy, he works about 18 hours a day and does about 90% of the work on the boat. He gets $30 a week and has to pay his own room and board. He gets a bottle a rum and a case a beer once a week to help him cope with life. He also, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife”. The agent said that’s the guy! That’s the guy I need to speak to, the mentally challenged guy. The boat owner said “ok, that would be me”.


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Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

The IRS suspected a fisherman of not paying his employees proper wages so they sent an agent to investigate. The agent went to the boat owners house and told him he would need a list of his employees and how much he was paying them.

The boat owner said “I have a deck hand that’s been with me over three years. I pay him $1000.00 a week and give him free room and board”. “Then there’s a mentally challenged guy, he works about 18 hours a day and does about 90% of the work on the boat. He gets $30 a week and has to pay his own room and board. He gets a bottle a rum and a case a beer once a week to help him cope with life. He also, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife”. The agent said that’s the guy! That’s the guy I need to speak to, the mentally challenged guy. The boat owner said “ok, that would be me”.


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That would be funnier if it wasn't so completely true.

A Biker, walked into a biker bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at the Biker and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

The Biker says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The Biker placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the Biker saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

The Biker replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

The biker took the money.


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Got me thinking about sorority girl jokes...

What's the first thing a sorority girl does every Saturday and Sunday morning?

Puts on her clothes and goes home.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CitizenBBN

Got me thinking about sorority girl jokes...

What's the first thing a sorority girl does every Saturday and Sunday morning?

Puts on her clothes and goes home.

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Do you know why sorority girls wear panties?

To keep their ankles warm…


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Last Christmas, my dog ate a string of Christmas lights...

The vet was able to remove them.

He said the dog was delighted.

Genie: What’s your first wish?

Toby: I wish I was rich

Genie: Granted, what’s your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.


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Robert asked the preacher to pray for his hearing. The preacher said “Pray with me Robert!” and put his hands over Robert’s ears. After 3 minutes of violent shaking and trying to push him over backwards, the preacher finally said “How’s your hearing?”

Robert said, “I don’t know. It’s not until next Tuesday.”

Well that is 2 in a row. Thanks for the chuckles folks.

Still waiting for the fight to buffer

Quote:

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Originally Posted by IkeCat

Still waiting for the fight to buffer

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LOL

An old, blind Marine accidentally stumbles into an all-girl biker bar, completely unaware of his surroundings. After feeling his way to the bar, he takes a seat and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

As he settles in, he suddenly yells out, "Hey, anyone here wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The room goes dead silent.

From beside him, a deep, authoritative voice calmly responds, "Before you go any further, I think you should know a few things."

The voice continues:
1. "The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat."
2. "The bouncer is also a blonde woman."
3. "I'm a blonde, 6-foot-tall, 175-pound black belt in karate."
4. "The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weightlifter."
5. "And the lady on your other side is a blonde professional wrestler."

The room stays silent as the Marine pauses to process what he just heard.

After a moment, he chuckles softly and says, "You know what? Forget it. I don't feel like explaining the joke five times."


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