PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

Sir Lancelot surprisingly has an active social life.

He hangs out at all the knightclubs

Q: Do you know what you get when you mix two nuns and a blond???



A: Two tight ends, and a wide receiver.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My wife said that’s the fifth time you’ve gone back for dessert. Doesn’t this embarrass you?

I said Not at all - I just keep telling them it’s for you

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

So basically, she sells C cells by the seesaw.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Interestingly enough, the man who invented the Ferris Wheel never met the man who created the merry-go-round.

They traveled in different circles…

Ever the ladies man, William Shatner once tried to sell the idea of his own lingerie company for women.

Unfortunately, Shatner Panties turned out to be a terrible choice for a brand name.

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...474f934dc3.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kingcat

Ever the ladies man, William Shatner once tried to sell the idea of his own lingerie company for women.

Unfortunately, Shatner Panties turned out to be a terrible choice for a brand name.

---

LOL.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by blueboss

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/202...474f934dc3.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

---

Omg.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by UKFlounder

Interestingly enough, the man who invented the Ferris Wheel never met the man who created the merry-go-round.

They traveled in different circles…

---

Groooooan... Lol.

International Time Traveler Day was tomorrow…

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by UKFlounder

International Time Traveler Day was tomorrow…

---

Stealing it…


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by blueboss

Stealing it…


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

---

Me too!

Too late, I already stole it next week

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by IkeCat

Too late, I already stole it next week

---

PM me the powerball numbers for next Mondays drawing….thanks in advance!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Incorrectly is the only word that while spelled correctly is still spelled incorrectly.

Q: What kind of pastry comes with a Thesaurus



A: Synonym rolls


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dad: “Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with...”
Family: “Okay... so?” 😐
Dad: “So they throw one cigarette overboard... and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.” 🚬🚤💡😂


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by blueboss

Dad: “Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with...”
Family: “Okay... so?” 
Dad: “So they throw one cigarette overboard... and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.” 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

---

I had to read this like 4 times to get it. Man I'm getting slow....

Also, i swear if these puns don't stop the site migration may have a few "accidents" along the way, if you guys get my meaning.... ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CitizenBBN

I had to read this like 4 times to get it. Man I'm getting slow....

Also, i swear if these puns don't stop the site migration may have a few "accidents" along the way, if you guys get my meaning.... ;)

---

Uh -oh!! How about limericks??

There once was a man from Nantucket…


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I saw where Lance Ware is going to be playing in the summer league and it made me think, you don’t really hear of a lot of kids being named Lance nowadays. Back in the day they named their kids Lancelot.

I once worked in a bakery to get by…

…I kneaded the dough.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hope this isn't too risque for the thread.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Darrell KSR

Hope this isn't too risque for the thread.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

---

LOL!!! but you should have gotten the chicken sandwich.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Mario is planning to marry
and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a Virgin.
His doctor says,
"Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a
Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit
A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?
The doctor replies,
"Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says,
'That's the strangest pair of balls
I've ever seen!',
You hit her with the shovel.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A guy was driving home and sees a homeless man. He pulls over and says “Hey buddy. If I give you $50 you won’t just go spend it on booze will you?” The homeless man says “Oh no sir. I gave up drinking years ago!”

The guy says “Okay well if I give you $50 you’re not just going to spend it on golf are you?” The homeless man says “Oh no sir. I gave up golf around the same time I gave up drinking.”

The guy says “Okay tell you what. I’ll get my wife to fix you a nice hot meal and I’ll give you that $50.” The homeless man says, “Yes sir! Is your wife a good cook?”

The guy says “Not particularly. I just want her to see what happens to a man when you give up drinking and golf.”

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Catfan73

A guy was driving home and sees a homeless man. He pulls over and says “Hey buddy. If I give you $50 you won’t just go spend it on booze will you?” The homeless man says “Oh no sir. I gave up drinking years ago!”

The guy says “Okay well if I give you $50 you’re not just going to spend it on golf are you?” The homeless man says “Oh no sir. I gave up golf around the same time I gave up drinking.”

The guy says “Okay tell you what. I’ll get my wife to fix you a nice hot meal and I’ll give you that $50.” The homeless man says, “Yes sir! Is your wife a good cook?”

The guy says “Not particularly. I just want her to see what happens to a man when you give up drinking and golf.”

---

OMG, that's the best joke ever.

I figured you’d like that one.

Here's one that I think plays better if you watch this priest tell it.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DNMTW...U3dGhqbHk2NQ==

I had a Zoom meeting this morning, and I told a joke.

Nobody laughed. Crickets. Dead silence.

Turns out, I'm not even remotely funny.

Oh that’s great!

I have polish friend that’s a sound guy, I have Czech one too.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A woman goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any viagra?”

He replies, “Yes, we have viagra.”

“Does it work?” she asks.

“Sure, it works fine.” he replies.

The woman says “Can you get it over the counter?”

“Hmm…maybe if I take two.”

MY DAD SHOWED ΜΕ A 30 MINUTE POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ON WHY ONE SHOULD ALWAYS WEAR CONDOM DURING SEX.

ALL THE SLIDES WERE JUST PICTURES OF ME


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Just found out that company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

I'm in search for someone to assist with milking cows on my dairy farm.

Must work well with udders.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I saw on the news where a prison bus collided with a cement mixer today.

They said to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa...
naked…


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Little Timmy attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his dad moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, slapping their rumps, and putting his hands on their chests.
After a while, Timmy asked,
“Dad, why are you doing that?”
His dad replied,
“When I’m buying horses, I have to make sure they’re healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Timmy, looking worried, said…
“Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A woman in court was charged with stealing a can of peaches.
The judge asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She replied, "There were 4."
The judge told her that she would serve 1 month for each peach.
As she was being led away, her husband shouted from the public gallery,
"What about the bag of peas?!"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk