Stupid Joke of the Day

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your Honor but for 15 years I've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

How it's done in Louisiana
I get irritated when people come down on our police officers saying that they don't care about or respect others.
Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the city of New Orleans, LA who reported finding a man's body last Saturday
in the early evening in the River Road and 14th Street area. The dead man's name would not be released until this family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in the area. He was wearing black fishnet stockings,
4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. See there, Louisiana Police do care.

An office worker urgently needed a few days off work, but knew the boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted "CRAZY" then the boss would tell him to take a few days off.

So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

His co-worker (who's blonde) asked what he was doing.

He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

The worker told him he was a light bulb.

The boss said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

The worker jumped down and walked out of the office.

When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him, the boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"

She said: "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by blueboss

He was wearing black fishnet stockings,
4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

---

Depending on the area of New Orleans, none of the attire would be an embarrassment. Pretty normal clothing. But the t-shirt would be the closest.

Sent using Forum Runner

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by badrose

An office worker urgently needed a few days off work, but knew the boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted "CRAZY" then the boss would tell him to take a few days off.

So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

His co-worker (who's blonde) asked what he was doing.

He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

The worker told him he was a light bulb.

The boss said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

The worker jumped down and walked out of the office.

When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him, the boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"

She said: "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

---

Finally a smart blonde joke

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.

"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change.

"Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.

"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.

The man was astonished.

He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children."

Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height.

On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car.

He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We did it on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher!"

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.

The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"

The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question.

The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.

Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."

The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"Well, you obviously can't wear glasses, because you've got no ears!"

The year is 2016 and the United States of America elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat"

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.

They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money) . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.

When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the engineers are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth.

The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff.

A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest!"

"What for?" the mad scientist asked.

"For making an obscene clone fall."

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

So true...

Robby was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he says, "Lord! Take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and quit drinking."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Robby looked up again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 or 9 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 or 9 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.'

Ouch.

Christmas joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

Every night I go go bed looking forward to having a productive day.

And one of these days I'm going to do it, too! :sHa_dielaughing:

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The barkeep says, "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says, "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."

The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog.

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you a million dollars for that act."

The drunk replies, "Sorry, not for sale". The agent says, "Okay, a hundred grand for just the scatting rat."

The drunk thinks for a moment and finally replies, "You got yourself a deal."

The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper, astonished, looks at the drunk and exclaims, "Are you nuts? You had a million dollar act that you just broke up for a wimpy hundred grand?"

To which the drunk replies:

"Relax, the frog is a ventriloquist."

An oldie...

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner, "Okay, I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs, I want something different."

The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.

"Really?" Says the man "How much?"

The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"

The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"

The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"

The centipede says "I heard you the first time, you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.

The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

Wiping ashes off his coat, the captain responded, "Well, the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck!"

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a group from Washington , DC , that included Barack Obama.
Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll support Obamacare.
She laughed and quickly said,
"I fell on my ass, not my head!!"

Two carrots were driving in a storm when they got into a terrible wreck. One carrot was shredded and the other was fine. The injured carrot was rushed to the hospital. His friend waited for word from the doctor.

Hours later, the doctor came out and told the carrot that he had good news and bad news.

“What's the good news?” the carrot said.

The doctor said, “We've repaired all the physical damage from the wreck.”

The carrot said, “What's the bad news?”

The doctor said, “For the rest of his life, he's going to be a vegetable.”

Wow, that's bad even by the standards of stupid jokes.

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model
1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine,
and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back,
"You need more ammo."

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