That was so bad, it is good.
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That was so bad, it is good.
I'm glad I don't make them up........mostly :)
In the science world atoms are not to be trusted...........wait for it,
Because.....wait for it,
...they make up everything:party0035:
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your damned Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Three Strangers strike up a conversation in the Passenger lounge in the Bozeman, Montana Airport, while waiting for their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a Livestock Show, and the third Passenger is a fundamentalist Arab Student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a 'devout radical' Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here...my People were many...but sadly, now we are few
The Muslim Student raises an eyebrow and leans forward saying, "Once my People were few, and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a Magazine Table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. Puffs then removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .
"I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet. But I do believe it's a-comin'!"
+10, blueboss! Outstanding!
Nice one blueboss. Have to remember that one
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.
The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.
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Fairly accurate geographyQuote:
Originally Posted by blueboss
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at ‘Hooter's’ to see some friends and have some hot Wings and iced tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.
Lol. I love it. May hit too close to home, though.Quote:
Originally Posted by blueboss
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
"HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
"HE paid for your season lower arena UK basketball tickets.
"HE paid for our house at the lake.
"HE paid for our country club membership, and "HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his a&& with that blanket before he catches cold."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
I like that one. :)
I was thinking that's another joke that would work for you. Me, too.
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LMAO, good one except that my name is Frank. Could be worse I've could've been a skunk or possum. Of course after my divorce I thought I was an A-hole. :evilgrin0007:
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife...Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital .
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full,so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. How do you like it here?" asked the grandson." It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh,no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,"Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.
There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And Me – I haven't had sex for 45 years, and they still call me The Fu%^*ing Arab.
Modern Adam & Eve
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too!
A bit off-taste:
http://tapatalk.imageshack.com/v2/14...3c7763de55.jpg
Quote:
Originally Posted by PedroDaGr8
Is that from an actual Popsicle stick? What kind? I've seen jokes on sticks before but they are usually kid oriented, that ones a bit dark
On the way to get married a young Catholic couple was involved in fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven ?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months !!!
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work ? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever ?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great !" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out ? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong ?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON !!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me THREE months to find a priest up here . . . do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer ?”
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough loving. In the morning, before Homer left the
house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the
fields,they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home
and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't
getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to
do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with
you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That
will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any
field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came
back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked really well," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood,
I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene would come running. We'd
find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since hunting season started."
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see thepart that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your clothes on ...
Just open your mouth!"
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to make love with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel receptionist if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," she said and pulled out a packet from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The receptionist asked, "Would you like me to put it on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
You know you're a redneck when...
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
I have been to a funeral that had more trucks than cars and I was one of them driving a truck. Got to have someplace to keep the cooler.:D
I hear that. That's one of the down sides when I ride my Scoot. :trink39:Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBluePappy
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband sent a text back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Dude that is so wrong
But I actually laughed out loud.....
Debating if I can us that one or not. Probably not, and a shame. :)
One my father sent me, he is 73 years old.....
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "a**hole."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Shirley (my wife) called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. Its so important at our age!!
I like Dorian Gray jokes. Those never get old.
An other one from my parents:
Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault..
A lonely widow, age 80, decided that it was time to get married again...
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME..,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME..,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED....!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON...
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see
a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs...
The old woman said,
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,
'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I'..??
A woman goes to her
Gynecologist.
"What seems to be the
problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is
terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in
my
private place."
The Doctor had a look,
chuckled and said:
"Those aren't postage
stamps my dear, They're the stickers off the
bananas"
Definitely can't use that one at work, but there some occasions where that will be totally appropriate. :)
I too thought it might be pushing it for our family oriented board...I did change a noun.
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