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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
So my mechanic says it looks like I have blown a seal, I say "there's no need to get into my personal life."
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
I have a joke along those lines. May post it, but it's right up on that PG13 line.
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
I got sad news today.
One of my very good friends lost his job after 7 years of medical training, for one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
OK, yours is close enough, I"ll do mine.
Guy goes to a party with friends and they set up tequila shots and he refuses. He's a big drinker, but refuses the tequila.
The party guys lean on him and he says "Look, I'm never drinking tequila again. Every time I drink tequila I go home and blow chunks."
They let it go, but eventually get back to trying to get him to do tequila shots again.
He says "no way, every time I drink tequila I go home and blow chunks."
Third try one of the guys says "look man, party with us, so what if you go home and get sick. You'll be fine tomorrow."
He says "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Darrell KSR
I got sad news today.
One of my very good friends lost his job after 7 years of medical training, for one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
A Vet? Don’t we all know a Vet? Lol!!
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
In all fairness most pet owners I know are more likely to let their pets in the bed than their spouse. lol
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.
She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!".
She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
lol. My wife laughed, but with one caveat.
She is a blonde, but she says "blonde jokes" only apply to bleach blondes. They are "wannabes" apparently.
She is a natural blonde, and since she's my wife yes I've checked. The cuffs match the collar.
So when I tell her the jokes from now on I'm putting "bleached" in there in front of it.
PS she's a Marine, and I told her the Marine joke from way back pages, and she died.
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Two attorneys walk into a diner and sit down.
After asking the waitress for a couple of waters they each pull out a sandwich.
The waitress says "Hey! You can't have your own food in here."
They look at the waitress then look at each other.
Then they swapped sandwiches.
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
I told the baby seal to meet me at the club.
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
bigsky
I told the baby seal to meet me at the club.
OUCH11
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
How do you organize a space plane? You planet.
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is a big heavy animal and the other is a little lighter.
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
bigsky
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is a big heavy animal and the other is a little lighter.
Ding ding ding!!
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Genie: "What's your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What's your second wish, Rich?"
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Three golf clubs walk into a bar, the bartender asks the first club, what are you having? The putter says give me a beer. The bartender asks the second club, what are you having? The wedge says give me a shot of tequila. The bartender asks the third club, what are you having? The third one says, nothing I’m the driver….
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
ja no wat dried ol thang on Gramma is?
Granpa
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
While in Asia an American man failed to use a condom and had been very sexually active. After a week or two he noticed a change in color to his private area to purple with green spots, so he promptly went to the Dr.
The Dr said he’d never seen anything like it and would have to run tests. After running tests the Dr told him to return in two days for the results. Two days later the man returned, the Dr told him it was a rare Mongolian STD and the only known cure was amputation. The man told the Dr no way and wanted a second opinion.
The man decided to go to an Asian Dr thinking he would have some knowledge of the disease. The man told the Asian Dr the original diagnosis and treatment, the Asian Dr told him greedy American Dr just want to perform unnecessary operation and he didn’t need to have an amputation. The man was ecstatic and asked him what the treatment plan would be…
The Asian Dr told him to wait two more weeks and it would fall off on its own, no surgery needed.
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
A boy came home one afternoon and informed his mom that he had gone into the strip club. This made his mom angry! She asked her son, "Well, did you see anything that you weren't supposed to see?" The boy replied, "Yes, I saw dad!"
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?” Elmer says: “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!”
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Two boys were playing in a trampoline and having a good time when one turned to the other and said ”my dad told me this used to be called a jumpoline until your mom leapt on it.”
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
UKFlounder
Two boys were playing in a trampoline and having a good time when one turned to the other and said ”my dad told me this used to be called a jumpoline until your mom leapt on it.”
Stealing it!!! Thanks!!!
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Q: Whats blue and smells like red paint??
A: Blue paint
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
blueboss
Q: Whats blue and smells like red paint??
A: Blue paint
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Kari Byron tells this joke on a Mythbusters episode where they are having to get intoxicated to test the "beer goggles" myth. B/c of that it's one of my favorite simple jokes. :)
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Once upon a time in a forrest far, far away there were two adult trees conversing about a sappling way down on the
floor. Mr. Beech Tree was inclined to think it was a son of a beech, meanwhile, Mr. Birch was convinced it was a
son of a birch. About that time a woodpecker flew by and and each trees asked if he would do a favor for them
the woodpecker asked what? Mr. Beech and Mr. Birch asked did he see that sappling down on the forrest floor, he
confrmed that did, we would like for fly down there and tell us whether it was a son of a beech or a son of a birch.
The woodpecker ageed to, so down to the forrest floor. When he finally flew back up, Mr. Beech and Mr. Birch wanted
to know. The woodpecker said it not a son of a beech nor a son a birch. All he had say it was the best little
ash that I ever my pecker in.
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
IkeCat
Once upon a time in a forrest far, far away there were two adult trees conversing about a sappling way down on the
floor. Mr. Beech Tree was inclined to think it was a son of a beech, meanwhile, Mr. Birch was convinced it was a
son of a birch. About that time a woodpecker flew by and and each trees asked if he would do a favor for them
the woodpecker asked what? Mr. Beech and Mr. Birch asked did he see that sappling down on the forrest floor, he
confrmed that did, we would like for fly down there and tell us whether it was a son of a beech or a son of a birch.
The woodpecker ageed to, so down to the forrest floor. When he finally flew back up, Mr. Beech and Mr. Birch wanted
to know. The woodpecker said it not a son of a beech nor a son a birch. All he had say it was the best little
ash that I ever my pecker in.
Nothing quite like a good piece of ash.
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
I knew a guy named
Hunter in college but he was vegan so they all called him Gatherer.
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
A lumberjack went into a Magic Forrest to cut a tree down. When he arrived he started to swing his ax at a tree when it shouted “ WAIT IM A TALKING TREE”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “and you will dialogue”
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
A man walked into the ER with two black eyes and a five iron bent around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asked him what had happened. “Well, it’s like this…I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. I lifted its tail and got a closer look, and sure enough, it was my wife’s ball.
“Okay…that doesn’t really explain your condition,” replied the doctor.
“Well, that’s when I made my mistake you see. When I lifted the cow’s tail I yelled to the misses, This one here looks like yours!”
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
The guy who invented autocorrect has died.
May he restaurant in peas.
The funnel will be tomato.
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PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
An elderly couple is in church.
The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
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Re: PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)
I saw an orange dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
It was a little condescending.