Stupid Joke of the Day

[badrose]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "PLEASE come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Tiger."

Her boyfriend comes over to help and sees that she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He looks at the pieces for a moment then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're NOT going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything that resembles a Tiger."

He takes her by the hand and says, "Look I want you to relax. Let's have a drink, and then" he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[CitizenBBN]

I like this one in particular. :)

I've been mentally tucking away a few of these for auctions. Every now and then I need to tell one. All the ones I know aren't appropriate for that environment. Or any environment not involving hard liquor. :)

[jazyd]

What animal do you not want to play cards with?


A "CHEAThah".

Courtesy of my 4 yr old granddaughter

[CitizenBBN]

All of mine that aren't profane follow this line:

What does a sorority girl do first thing in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home.

They get dirtier from there.

[jazyd]

At Ole Miss, it is put on your clothes, then makeup, designer clothes, jewelry, check her test msgs, sip some tea, checks her guys checkbook account and pedigree, then heads home to tell her mom what a great night she had and plan hte wedding if the account is large enough.


All of mine that aren't profane follow this line:

What does a sorority girl do first thing in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home.

They get dirtier from there.

[badrose]

Going to keep them all in this thread going forward.

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

A person watching yelled out, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

[Darrell KSR]

I like that one, badrose.

Sent using Forum Runner. All typos excused.

[badrose]

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.''

Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a kiss?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.''

And Adam said, ''What is a caress?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''

And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.''

And Adam asked, ''What is make love, Lord?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.

[badrose]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it," and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

[ukcatlvr]

Husband walks into the bedroom holding a chicken.

He looks at his wife laying in bed and says, "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The wife looks at the husband and says, "that's not a pig, that's a chicken".

The husband looks and the wife and says, "I wasn't talking to you".

:653:

[jazyd]

:)


Husband walks into the bedroom holding a chicken.

He looks at his wife laying in bed and says, "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The wife looks at the husband and says, "that's not a pig, that's a chicken".

The husband looks and the wife and says, "I wasn't talking to you".

:653:

[blueboss]

Husband walks into the bedroom holding a chicken.

He looks at his wife laying in bed and says, "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The wife looks at the husband and says, "that's not a pig, that's a chicken".

The husband looks and the wife and says, "I wasn't talking to you".

:653:

Ding,Ding,Ding

[badrose]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[CitizenBBN]

I've heard that one before Badrose, forgot about it. It's a good one.

[ukcatlvr]

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."


:653:

[badrose]

1986

"Yeah, I've heard that one before."

[CitizenBBN]

Guy comes home to find his wife packing her things. He asks what she's doing and she says "I'm going to Las Vegas. I found out I can make $400 a night for having sex there."

So the guy grabs a suitcase and starts packing. She asks where he's going and he says "I'm going to Las Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year."

[badrose]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[badrose]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top! "You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "It's started!"

[badrose]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[CitizenBBN]

I like that one. :)

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

[badrose]

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck.

"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

[Darrell KSR]

Clever!

Sent using Forum Runner. All typos excused.

[badrose]

Ted was telling a girl in the pub about his ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born"?

Ted said, "Yesterday."

[jazyd]

:)


QUOTE=badrose;79949]Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."[/QUOTE]

[badrose]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

[badrose]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

[badrose]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no body. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[badrose]

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[dan_bgblue]

I love the last one!!! He is repo man not a mugger

[CitizenBBN]

I love the last one!!! He is repo man not a mugger

lol, like that one a lot too. Putting that in my mental file for sure.

[badrose]

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[badrose]

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!".

She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.

They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

[blueboss]

A young guy from South Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in South Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force
here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in South
Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him
he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing.........'"

[badrose]

A young guy from South Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in South Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give
him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns
and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?
Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force
here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in South
Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the
boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I
sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him
he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think
his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy
tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing.........'"

Good one!!

[CitizenBBN]

That's a pretty good one blueboss. Trying to figure out how I can change it a bit to use it in more reserved company. Maybe something about the mother in law coming in for the weekend would pass.

A real lol from me.

[dan_bgblue]

LOL boss, and I mean laughing out loud. Thanks

[badrose]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and were in the mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed at everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator before) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the woman rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24 year old blond woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo momma."

[badrose]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "When you first met her she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant."

[badrose]

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching. "What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

[badrose]

True story:

The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."

[badrose]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[CitizenBBN]

I like that one too badrose. :)

[badrose]

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street.

Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail, they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers got in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived.

All she would say as she stroked the officer.s arm is, "You're passionate." They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again the same response as she stroked his arm: "You're passionate."

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"

She replied, "I keep trying to tell you: you're passin' it!"

[badrose]

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.

After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."

[badrose]

There were two blondes with hammers, Becky and Sally Ann, doing some carpentry work on a house. Becky, who was nailing down house siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!!! Those nails aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house."

[badrose]

Really like this one:

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son explaining what happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes Dad, it's the best I could do at this time."

[badrose]

A husband comes home one day to find his wife on the porch, bags packed waiting for a taxi.

The husband asked, "Where are you going?"

The wife replied, "I found out I can go to Las Vegas and earn $200.00 for what I give you for free, so I'm going."

Before the taxi came, the wife turned around and found her husband standing behind her with his bags packed, too.

The wife asked him where he was going.

The husband replied, "With you ... I want to see how you are going to survive on $400.00 a month!"

[CitizenBBN]

A husband comes home one day to find his wife on the porch, bags packed waiting for a taxi.

The husband asked, "Where are you going?"

The wife replied, "I found out I can go to Las Vegas and earn $200.00 for what I give you for free, so I'm going."

Before the taxi came, the wife turned around and found her husband standing behind her with his bags packed, too.

The wife asked him where he was going.

The husband replied, "With you ... I want to see how you are going to survive on $400.00 a month!"

one of my favs of all time. Posted it in one of the other joke threads. Heard it first when Robert Wuhl (Hollywood Knights) told it in a HBO special. Except it was $400 a year. :)

[blueboss]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and
take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my t&%$Ts. I can splash it on my eyes."

[badrose]

A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.

So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.

After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.

He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.

He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.

He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.
Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.

"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150."

"But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.

"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly."

"And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"

"For doing it all through the exhaust."

I dunno about this one. Feel free to delete.

[badrose]

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "IDIOT!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

[badrose]

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year old.

Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again ... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action.

And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

[badrose]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[badrose]

Proof that men have better friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friend’s house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friend’s house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there.

[badrose]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

[badrose]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

[jgirl]

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year old.

Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again ... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action.

And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"


:sHa_dielaughing:

[badrose]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial ..... It went like this .....

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. Well, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

[badrose]

A Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."

"Take the poison!"

[dan_bgblue]

Well, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.


:sHa_dielaughing:

[badrose]

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.

A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80 year old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, and Wednesday but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

[badrose]

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[badrose]

An old man was eating lunch at a mall food court and he noticed a teenager with spiked hair and each spike was a different color - red, blue, green, orange, and yellow.

Every time the teenager looks over he sees the old man staring at him.

This goes on for a while and finally the teen said to the old man "What's your problem old man, haven't you ever done something crazy in your life?"

Without hesitation the old man says "Yeah. I got so drunk one time. I hooked up with a parakeet and I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Lfbj00]

An old man was eating lunch at a mall food court and he noticed a teenager with spiked hair and each spike was a different color - red, blue, green, orange, and yellow.

Every time the teenager looks over he sees the old man staring at him.

This goes on for a while and finally the teen said to the old man "What's your problem old man, haven't you ever done something crazy in your life?"

Without hesitation the old man says "Yeah. I got so drunk one time. I hooked up with a parakeet and I was just wondering if you were my son."

:happy0030:

[badrose]

A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.

[badrose]

A guy driving a Prius pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Prius rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Prius!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Prius says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Prius!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Prius says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Prius!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Prius says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Prius!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Prius, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Prius parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out and knocks on the Prius.

When there isn't any answer, he knocks and knocks and eventually the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls states arrogantly.

The driver of the Prius looks at him and says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?"

[badrose]

A Native American boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm," she said.

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her," she replied.

He then asked, "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived," the mother replied.

The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Torn Condom, why are you so curious?"

[badrose]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

[dan_bgblue]

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

:671:

[badrose]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

[blueboss]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

[badrose]

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The hunters objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, the pilot asked, "Any idea where we are?"

One of the hunters responded, "Not sure but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[badrose]

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.

He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

[ukcatlvr]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich one day. They sit at the bar and the bartender asks the man what will you have?

The man say a screwdriver.

Bartender asks the ostrich what they were having.

Ostrich says the same thing as him.

Bartender sits the drinks down and says that will be $9.50. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount and sits it on the bar.

This goes on for several days except for the different kind of drinks. Every day at the same time, ostrich always gets the same drink as the man and he always has the exact amount of money in his pocket.

One day the bartender asks him, you are always the same time, ostrich always has the same drink as you and you always have the exact amount of money in your pocket.

Man says, one day I found an old bottle and when I opened it a genie popped out and said that I 3 wishes.

Man says, first one was to always have the exact amount of money in my pocket that I always needed.

Bartender says OK but asks what was wish #2 & #3?

Man says that it was a female that would always agree with him and have long legs.

[badrose]

OK, today's JOTD was so bad I'd decided to not post it. However, I'm going against my conscience and posting it anyway. (It was a WWDD moment. What would Darrell do?) :evilgrin0007:

How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

Look for sesame seed buns.

[Darrell KSR]

Lol.

And I like the joke. My maturity level is set quite low.

Sent using Forum Runner.

[CitizenBBN]

OK, today's JOTD was so bad I'd decided to not post it. However, I'm going against my conscience and posting it anyway. (It was a WWDD moment. What would Darrell do?) :evilgrin0007:

How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

Look for sesame seed buns.

Wow. I can see why you debated posting it. :)

[badrose]

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses, "Yes, yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife has admitted hits him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

[badrose]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

[CitizenBBN]

lol. I liked that one. Pretty sure I know that guy.

[badrose]

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.

" Oh, Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? "

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."

[badrose]

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down.

He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window.

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail!"

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

[blueboss]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development
on the inside of her thighs... A green spot on the inside of each. "They
won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her
not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone
rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know
what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm
wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" The woman stammers, "Why, yes,
but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[CitizenBBN]

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down.

He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window.

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail!"

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

OK, that's funny. :)

[badrose]

The title of this thread isn't Funny Joke of the Day

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[UKFlounder]

Oh.

Wow. :)


The title of this thread isn't Funny Joke of the Day

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[badrose]

A couple are eating dinner in a very nice restaurant on their first date.

The woman lets go with a very large sneeze. The sneeze is so big that her glass eye pops out and flies across the table.

The man reaches out and grabs the eye in mid flight and hands it back to the woman.

The date continues and at the end of the evening the woman invites the man in for a nightcap. After the drink she suggests he spend the night. In the morning she prepares a very large breakfast for the two of them.

The man is so impressed he asks "Do you do this for all your first dates?"

"No" she replies, "only those who catch my eye!"

[Catfan73]

:sHa_dielaughing:

[blueboss]

A couple are eating dinner in a very nice restaurant on their first date.

The woman lets go with a very large sneeze. The sneeze is so big that her glass eye pops out and flies across the table.

The man reaches out and grabs the eye in mid flight and hands it back to the woman.

The date continues and at the end of the evening the woman invites the man in for a nightcap. After the drink she suggests he spend the night. In the morning she prepares a very large breakfast for the two of them.

The man is so impressed he asks "Do you do this for all your first dates?"

"No" she replies, "only those who catch my eye!"

Now that right there is funny....

[badrose]

One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!"

The cashier said, "Okay," filled out a form for them and asked, "Are you two sisters?"

They chuckled and replied, "No, we aren't even Catholic."

[badrose]

Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Ohio?

On the first offense they give you Browns tickets, and on the second offense, they make you use them.

[dan_bgblue]

Good grief, I need to slow down.

[badrose]

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!

[badrose]

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

Boooo!

[badrose]

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

[badrose]

A plane is on its way to San Francisco when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have go sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to San Francisco and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to San Francisco and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to San Francisco."

[badrose]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

[badrose]

A man and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the man returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the man, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[badrose]

A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

"All right, buddy. What's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

"The balcony."

[badrose]

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is.

"Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.

Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked, "What's wrong?"

Phil replied, "It's a small, small world, Joe, and you're fired"

[badrose]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[badrose]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[badrose]

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

[badrose]

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."

[dan_bgblue]

Dang that is a good one.

[badrose]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?

[Lfbj00]

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?

Wow....that's just.....BAD.:sign0141:

[badrose]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary said, "I just peed in the soup!"

[blueboss]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
> her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
> conversation with your fellow passenger."
>
> The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
> stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
>
> "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
> Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
>
> "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
> question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
> Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
> a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
>
> The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
> about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies,
> "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after
> death, when you don't know ****?"
>
> And then she went back to reading her book.
>

[UKFlounder]

Speaking of cannibals, did you hear about the one who settled down with his family?

He had a wife and ate kids...

[blueboss]

Did you hear the one about the Cannibal that ate a clown? After he finished he said "he tasted funny"

[blueboss]

Not trying to hijack Bad's SJOTD thread but I get some zingers (IMO) from time to time and this one needs posting

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[badrose]

A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Paddy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"

Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Paddy."

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Paddy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[badrose]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[blueboss]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get her nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said, "Hell no; get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

[Lfbj00]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get her nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said, "Hell no; get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

:sHa_clap2:

[badrose]

Two judges from a small county happen to be stopped for speeding on the same day. They agree that there's no point in calling the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge; they'll just go ahead and hear each other's case.

The next morning, one judge takes the bench, the other sits at counsel table. The first judge admits he's guilty, and the second judge suspends the fine and court costs for him.

They then switch places, the second judge pleads guilty as well, but the other judge fines him $200 plus all court costs.

The second judge is exceedingly upset: "I suspended your fine and costs and you go and give me the maximum!"

The first judge responds: "Well, look at the recent increase we've just had in this crime. SOMEBODY has to do something about it!"

[badrose]

Two older gentlemen were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"

The other replied, "Yup, a big one, 30 years."

"Wow," said the other, "What are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 35th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

[badrose]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

[badrose]

A guy walks in to the Barbershop.

Barber says, "What will it be today?"

Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up."

Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."

Guy says, "That's how you cut it last time."

[CattyWampus]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book

[badrose]

A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice." said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've been used."

[badrose]

We may have come full circle here.

Two men from Arkansas are walking along 2nd Avenue in Manhattan and they see a sign which reads: "Suits $7.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $4.50 per pair".

Bubba says to his pal, Billy Ray, "LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back home we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best New York accent."

They go in and Bubba says, "I want to buy 50 suits at $7.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $4.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"I sure am," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."

[badrose]

A man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

[blueboss]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude" with that, she stripped from the
neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on,
baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the
dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!

[badrose]

Good one!!

[badrose]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd asks, "How much for a season pass?"

[CitizenBBN]

Oh, I'm using that one. :D

FWIW I did that with parking tickets in college (the dorms were all coed so no issues there). They didn't tow, just fine you. To get grades released you had to pay your fines at the end of the semester. I had a parking pass but had to park illegally at times, sometimes getting a ticket sometimes not. At the end of the semester I owed $100-150 or so in tickets and I went and paid them and got my grades. I just considered it a more expensive parking pass plan.

But I'm so using that one, I think I can even get by using it at auctions.

[badrose]

What do you call a dog that hears voices?

A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

[badrose]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[badrose]

A blonde is driving home and gets caught in a really bad hail storm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out. The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing in the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.

Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"

The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! .... Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?"

[badrose]

What has a bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

[blueboss]

Gun Control. It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods Store.
There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning. when I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets...

The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us a little clearer!

I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD.

[Darrell KSR]

lol blueboss.

[badrose]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[badrose]

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.

Chris came back first and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. Yes, this was a very cranky tribe of cannibals. The first apple went in... but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

Then John arrived and showed the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, so he was also killed.

After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, " Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

Chris replied, "I know, I couldn't help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons."

[badrose]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[badrose]

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[badrose]

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.

[CitizenBBN]

lol.

[badrose]

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy answered, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

The manager said, "Okay, John, welcome to the company. That'll be all for now."

[Darrell KSR]

Thought it was going to be Briscoe.

[CitizenBBN]

He wasn't a Captain in the British Army in WWI was he perchance? :)

[blueboss]

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?????????


A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.

WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.'

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, 'THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER.'

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRE SSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

'THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.'

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, 'AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?'

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, 'WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST.'

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS.

AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?' 'I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!'

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, 'IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?'

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. 'THAT THAR'S THE FRONT,' THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, 'HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?'

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, 'CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A SH^$#t BEHIND IT.

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!

[badrose]

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived."

[badrose]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[badrose]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[bigronhahn1011]

A three legged dog walks into a bar. He sits down on a bar stool and begins eating peanuts. The bartender walks over to the dog and says "What'll you have?" The dog says "I'm not here to drink, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[badrose]

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the farmer.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first."

The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"

The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question.

Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don't know."

[badrose]

:sHa_clap2:

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, molested the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[blueboss]

This is not mine just pass'n it along

What did the Dead Head say when he ran out of marijuana? “Would somebody please turn off that crappy music?!”

[badrose]

This is not mine just pass'n it along

What did the Dead Head say when he ran out of marijuana? “Would somebody please turn off that crappy music?!”

No need for the disclaimer. All of mine are passed along.

[blueboss]

No need for the disclaimer. All of mine are passed along.

The disclaimer was more about not disrespecting The Dead, and the Dead Heads, I don't want to wake up to a bunch of patchouli oil bottles hanging in the trees in my front yard and rolling papers stuck all over my car.

[badrose]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[dan_bgblue]

LOL, that one I like

[badrose]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

"Bicycles," Juan says.

[badrose]

LOL, that one I like

It was a C&P but I've told that joke without disclosing that's it's the same bar until the punchline. The surprise adds a little, I think.

[badrose]

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.

On the first day, the other two are surprised to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.

"What are you doing?" the priest asks.

The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.

"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's tool shed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes an inch off the tailpipe.

[badrose]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "So, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman."

[badrose]

May be a repeat...

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side the road, beside his car.

He was amazed to see that the chicken was keeping up with him. Glancing down at his speedometer, he noticed that he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 miles per hour and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken kept up.

The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs. Growing even more curious, he followed the chicken down a road and into a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens around him had three legs.

He asked the farmer, "What's up with these three legged chickens?"

The farmer said, "Well, whenever we have chicken for dinner, everyone in the family fights over the legs, but there are only two. I have bred a three legged bird. It's going to make me a millionaire."

"How do they taste?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "Don't know yet, I haven't been able to catch one."

[badrose]

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. "No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.

"Viagra," says the dentist.

"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

[badrose]

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

[badrose]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[badrose]

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, but he's becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's."

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

"Now watch," says the voice.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number ...... 21.

The voice says, "Dang it!"

[badrose]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[badrose]

A bonus for today:

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

[badrose]

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

[badrose]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said,"Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

[blueboss]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new
husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her
if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a
preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished,
and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go

[badrose]

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

[badrose]

The beer that made Mil Famie walk us.

Just sayin'.:evilgrin0007:

[badrose]

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacherheld her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

[badrose]

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.

The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

[badrose]

A man owned a small farm. The Low Pay Commission claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an inspector out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them" demanded the inspector.

"Well" replied the farmer "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
T
hen there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit" says the inspector.

"You're already talking to him" replied the farmer.

[badrose]

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend
had proposed but she had turned him down because she found
out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two
of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."

[dan_bgblue]

Hehehe. Good one

[badrose]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob, the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says.”Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

[Darrell KSR]

A man owned a small farm. The Low Pay Commission claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an inspector out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them" demanded the inspector.

"Well" replied the farmer "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
T
hen there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit" says the inspector.

"You're already talking to him" replied the farmer.

One of my favorites. And all of us who work for ourselves can relate :).

[badrose]

One of my favorites. And all of us who work for ourselves can relate :).

I agree, D. I've done both; working for myself and and for companies. For me, I've always worked for myself regardless; my best effort, my standards. If I'm satisfied, I feel confident it will satisfy my employer, no matter my wage or position.

[badrose]

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

[badrose]

4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

[badrose]

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

Finally, after a week the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

[blueboss]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

[badrose]

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. Try standing on the dresser!

[badrose]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

[Darrell KSR]

Wrong forum, badrose. That's current events forum, not bad jokes.

Sent using Forum Runner

[badrose]

After the Summer Olympics ended in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[CitizenBBN]

After the Summer Olympics ended in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

How true. I drink a fair amount of Miller Lite, but I do so knowing I'm drinking alcoholic water, not beer. :)

[badrose]

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

[CitizenBBN]

lol, I really like that one. "I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[badrose]

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.

The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.

The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.

The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 more Senators waiting at the front door.

[badrose]

Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

[badrose]

Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, 'What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?'

The two guys reply, 'Well, you know, we're from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.'

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.'

The two Chicagoans reply, 'Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious, he decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.

The devil was dumbfounded. 'I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?'

The Chicagoans look at the devil in surprise. 'Well, don't ya know -- if hell freezes over, that must mean one thing...the CUBS won the WORLD SERIES.'

[badrose]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Love,
Mom

[blueboss]

A lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological Liar, a Muslim, a Communist, and
a Black Guy
walk into a BAR.
Bartender says;


"What'll it be,
Mr. President?"

[badrose]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[PedroDaGr8]

Not really a joke as much a funny image that we can all relate to.http://img.tapatalk.com/d/13/08/18/abu9a4u7.jpg

Sent from my EVO using Tapatalk 4

[badrose]

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

[badrose]

A fellow stopped at a gas station and after filling his tank. He paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car drinking his cola and watched two men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole 2 or 3 feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

"Hold it" he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with the digging?"

"Well, we work for the state" one of the men stated.

"But one of you digs a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the state's money?"

"You don't understand, mister" one of the workers said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally, there's three of us ... me, Bubba and Earl. I dig the hole, Bubba sticks in the tree, and Earl here puts the dirt back in the hole. Just 'cause Bubba's sick, that don't mean that Earl and me shouldn't work!"

[badrose]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[badrose]

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awakened by a knock on the door of the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awakened again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

"It's 4:40!" yells the trucker.

Needing to really get some sleep, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME and sticks the paper in his windshield.

Soon he is awakened by still another knock on the door of his cab.

"It's 5:25," says the jogger.

[blueboss]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all them assholes"

And he calmly returned to his seat.

[badrose]

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water.

One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal's Restaurant.

Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

"Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50"


They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter. "Did you ever try to CLEAN one of those suckers?"

[badrose]

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.

The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender replies, "So sorry to hear that, my friend," as he gives the customer a complimentary drink, "and how many days are left before that month is up?"

The man sadly mumbles, "Today's the last day."

[blueboss]

...an oldie, but goldie.

The old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana, watching the
> sun rise, when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big
> under his arm.
>
> He yells out "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"
>
> Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
>
> Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
>
> Boy says "Catch some chickens."
>
> Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
>
> Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
>
> That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
> surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens
> caught in it.
>
> Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he
> sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
>
> Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
>
> Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."
>
> Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
>
> Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."
>
> Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
>
> Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
>
> That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's
> amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with
> about 35 ducks caught in it.
>
> Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a limb
> off a bush with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy,
> what'cha got there?"
>
> Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
>
> Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

[blueboss]

A recent article in the Tennessee Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

[badrose]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, cowboy,” says the genie.. “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
********POOF******
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
*******POOF*******
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
******POOF******
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

[blueboss]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken
ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing."


And they did.


"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins
showing."


And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."


And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them
all at first?


Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the sh^#@&t
out of them first!"

[badrose]

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

[dan_bgblue]

Hehehe!!

[CattyWampus]

A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work."

[CitizenBBN]

A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work."

:)

[badrose]

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

[badrose]

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Crap."

[dan_bgblue]

I love jokes like that. If one has never had the opportunity to raise a child of their own, they likely do not know how many times children, given the opportunity, will say things similar to that.

[badrose]

Ain't it the truth, Dan? Art Linkletter had it right.

[dan_bgblue]

Long story but I will try to keep it short. My grandson has not taken a nap since he was about 2. He is now 5 and is always doing something to occupy his time. He started kindergarten a few weeks ago. On Friday of the first week the teacher sent a note home to the parents. Went something like this.

1. Very attentive
2. Cooperative
3. Crowed like a rooster

My daughter almost went into convulsions laughing. It seems that when the teacher announced they would have a rest period and everyone was to lay their heads down on the desk and rest, by grandson did as asked, but after a minute or two he had enough of that and stood up and crowed to announce that it was time go wake up.

[badrose]

LOL! My kind of guy!

[badrose]

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."

The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: 'I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache.' Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator.

Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...." She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.

Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department ... how can I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago."

"Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with bated breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her.

When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating: "That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife ....."

[badrose]

Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?"

'They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Can I get you some coffee, sir?'''

[CitizenBBN]

lol. Things are tough, not sure an admiral is that hard up on his retirement yet. :)

[blueboss]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.




Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.




'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'




They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.




After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.




The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!




'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'




'No,' she replies. ... ....you just happened to catch my eye.

[ukcatlvr]

The Israeli Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.



Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.


KABOOM!


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.


KA-BLOOEY!


Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.


BULLS-EYE!


"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"



So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.



The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.



"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"


"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."


"No! Let me tell *you!*" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there

are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........




"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

[dan_bgblue]

Bada Boom!!

:musik29:

[badrose]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

[badrose]

Two good ol' boys bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer. But when winter came, they found it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was plenty to eat.

"How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?" one of them asked the other.

"Easy," replied the other. "We'll cut the mane off mine and the tail off yours."

By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length.

"Now what are we going to do?" asked the first.

"Why don't you just take the black one and I'll take the white one" said the second.

[badrose]

Morris returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Alma, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made mad passionate love.

Six hours later, Morris went to her again, and said. "Honey now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later Morris is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Morris, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"

[blueboss]

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

[badrose]

What do eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?

Polaroids!

[badrose]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

[badrose]

In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[badrose]

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

[dan_bgblue]

Good one. I did not see it coming

[badrose]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?"

"At school."

The robot slaps the son.

"Okay, I went to the movies!"

The father asks, "Which one?"

"Harry Potter."

The robot slaps the son again.

"Okay, I was watching porn!"

The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

[badrose]

Good one. I did not see it coming

Me neither. Took a couple of seconds...

[blueboss]

One day I accidentally overturned my cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,

“Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It’s Larry , and I’m OK thanks," I replied.

"Larry , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,” but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes and she would give me a massage. Afterwards, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. Where is she, anyway?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

[Darrell KSR]

Reminds me of my favorite joke that I tell my classes. Here's a slightly different version of it, but same general theme.

One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading and she was watching television and brooding.

"Darling," she started.

"Um," he replied.

"If I died would you get married again?" she continued.

Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. "I don't see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you'd want me to be happy again, wouldn't you?" he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.

"Yes, I suppose," she answered.

They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television and continuing to brood.

"Darling," she started again.

"Um," he replied.

"If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?"

He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. "I guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours."

They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding even more.

"Darling," she once again started.

"Um," he replied.

"Would you let her wear my shoes?"

This time without putting his book aside, he said, "Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes."

They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding herself into a darker mood.

"Darling," she said, renewing the inquisition.

"Um," he replied.

"Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?"

With no hesitation, he answered, "Of course not, she's left-handed."

[badrose]

A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.

"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."

[badrose]

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

[CitizenBBN]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".

…apparently, I’m still lost.

[badrose]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Steelers game and you'll see. Whenever the Steelers score, my dog does flips."

The Steelers keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! What happens when the Steelers score a touchdown?"

The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

[badrose]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".

…apparently, I’m still lost.

Hee hee! Good one!

[blueboss]

Obama wakes up one night and there is George Washingtons Ghost! Obama asks "George how can I help this country?" and George replys "be honest like I always was"
Obama goes back to sleep and wakes again to find Thopmas Jefferson's ghost! Obama asks "Tom how can help this country?" and Thomas replys " always love the constituition like I always did"
Obama goes back to sleep and wakes this time to the ghost of Abe Lincoln! Obama asks "Abe how can I help this country?" and Abe replys " go see a play"

[badrose]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[dan_bgblue]

:happy0007:

[Darrell KSR]

For the record, of course, gambling income is taxable income. If Grandpa didn't report it, he may be subject to not only taxes, interest and civil penalties, but failure to report the income could result in criminal prosecution as well.

IRS otherwise doesn't care where the money comes from. Not their problem.

Darrell (the "K" stands for Killjoy)SR

[UKFlounder]

For the record, of course, gambling income is taxable income. If Grandpa didn't report it, he may be subject to not only taxes, interest and civil penalties, but failure to report the income could result in criminal prosecution as well.

IRS otherwise doesn't care where the money comes from. Not their problem.



Darrell (the "K" stands for Killjoy)SR

Sincerely,
Al CaponeKSR (the "K" just stands for kill)

[blueboss]

For the record, of course, gambling income is taxable income. If Grandpa didn't report it, he may be subject to not only taxes, interest and civil penalties, but failure to report the income could result in criminal prosecution as well.

IRS otherwise doesn't care where the money comes from. Not their problem.

Darrell (the "K" stands for Killjoy)SR

Now you've just pee'd on Grandpa's desk

[CitizenBBN]

For the record, of course, gambling income is taxable income. If Grandpa didn't report it, he may be subject to not only taxes, interest and civil penalties, but failure to report the income could result in criminal prosecution as well.

IRS otherwise doesn't care where the money comes from. Not their problem.

Darrell (the "K" stands for Killjoy)SR

OMG, my wife has hijacked Darrell's KSR account. She does the same thing. lol