PedroDaGr8
12-31-2012, 04:58 PM
Been on a comedy quote recently, some of my favorite quotes:
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." --George Carlin
I saw this lady on tv. She was born without arms. She was literally born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said, 'Lola does not know the meaning of the word can't.' And that was actually kinda worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions!--Mitch Hedberg
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it gets busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again. "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You f*ers are selfish! The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now. With duct tape over their mouths! And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes!--Mitch Heberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.--Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.--Mitch Hedberg
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!--Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.--Steven Wright
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." --George Carlin
I saw this lady on tv. She was born without arms. She was literally born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said, 'Lola does not know the meaning of the word can't.' And that was actually kinda worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions!--Mitch Hedberg
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it gets busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again. "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You f*ers are selfish! The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now. With duct tape over their mouths! And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes!--Mitch Heberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.--Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.--Mitch Hedberg
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!--Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.--Steven Wright