PG-13 joke thread (ok, maybe you can touch R, but don't cross it)

[Darrell KSR]

This week is Nurses Week. In honor of my two daughters who are both nurses, I submit the following.

A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."

"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

[blueboss]

Description: Description: image001.jpg@01D136B0.699C25C0
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’


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[CitizenBBN]

What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Porsche? Not everyone has been in a Porsche.

[blueboss]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.

So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.

'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.

She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said,
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord and behold, my fianc?'s entire family was standing outside,
all clapping and cheering!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.



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[blueboss]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, he is."

"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."




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[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170726/e68e113f1cee1076879b61f4066233b2.png


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[blueboss]

Test...


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[blueboss]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?
The grandmother said, "Noreen, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, Ihave good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me ****."



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[Darrell KSR]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?
The grandmother said, "Noreen, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, Ihave good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me ****."



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I love that one. I will tell it to my nurse daughters!

[blueboss]

I love that one. I will tell it to my nurse daughters!

Thought you might enjoy that one.


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[blueboss]

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and
working in the family business.

He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

To learn how to invest his inheritance.

To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.


“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.



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[blueboss]

Oldie, but worth repeating.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."...
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Dominic Savino?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."



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[dan_bgblue]

3 good ones in a row boss. Thanks

[Darrell KSR]

50ish woman is home, naked, happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight. Husband watches and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just had a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?" She looks at him and says "Your name never came up...

[blueboss]

BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike!

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda so far have failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying "the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote".

General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bhang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive, Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They simply are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in today's competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is a chronic shortage now, of virgins, in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to be the one to tell 3,000 of my staff they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated the change would not hurt membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to Rosie O'Donnell; many Muslim Jihadists now see what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.




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[Darrell KSR]

What do you call a chameleon who can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

[dan_bgblue]

A woman pregnant with twins gets in a car wreck and falls in a coma. She wakes up weeks later and the nurse informs her that they were able to save the babies, and that they were named and being kept by her brother.

“Oh no!” The mother cries. “My brother is an idiot. He probably gave them awful names!”

The brother shows up hours later with the babies. First he hands her the girl and says “this is Denise.”

“Oh thank goodness. Denise is a lovely name. What did you name the boy,” she asked.

He responded “Denephew.”

[CitizenBBN]

Herm was an unusual sperm. A sperm of great motivation. More than anything Herm wanted to be the one to make it into the egg, to be the one.

So Herm prepared himself. While the other sperm all sat around all day, Herm worked out, swam hard, and got ready. He was going to make it, be the one.

Then the big day came. All the sperm were there, lined up and ready to go. Then they were off, and Herm was right in front. He set a mad pace, quickly breaking from the pack. The other sperm could only watch as Herm got out further ahead into the distance. Finally he disappeared altogether.

After a bit the other sperm thought they saw something, and after a time it grew from a small dot on the horizon to a shape, and they could see that it was in fact Herm, now furiously swimming towards them with all his might.

The other sperm were completely confused b/c Herm had them beat, he was sure to be the one.

As they got closer Herm started waving at them as hard has he could, and finally they could hear him screaming "Go back!!! It's only a blowjob!!!"

[badrose]

A tribute to Tim Wilson...

Luther Crowell invented the paper bag back in 1867. Said he'd been dating some ugly women and somebody had to so something!

[badrose]

Test...


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THAT IS FREAKIN' HILLARIOUS! :sHa_dielaughing:

[blueboss]

THAT IS FREAKIN' HILLARIOUS! :sHa_dielaughing:

Pretty cerebral...


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[badrose]

Pretty cerebral...


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Yeah, I had to think about it awhile. Hey, I hope you didn't take it personally. If so, I'm sorry.

[blueboss]

Yeah, I had to think about it awhile. Hey, I hope you didn't take it personally. If so, I'm sorry.

Yeah because I'm the sensitive type.. lol. Never thought twice about it.

The whole thing started when Tap a Talk melted down and I had to sign in and out every time I tried to use it.


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[badrose]

Yeah because I'm the sensitive type.. lol. Never thought twice about it.

The whole thing started when Tap a Talk melted down and I had to sign in and out every time I tried to use it.


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Good. It seemed like a great opportunity with this being a joke thread and all. I love irony and I'm also scared to death of it.

[Darrell KSR]

I was hooked on auctions after only going once.... Going twice...

[Darrell KSR]

One more for CBBN.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[CitizenBBN]

I was hooked on auctions after only going once.... Going twice...

Be sure to tip your waitress lol.

Busy auction weekend. Three auctions, real estate Saturday morning, then guns and coins to about 4. Today about 7 hours of estate items. Can't get away from them this weekend. :)

[dan_bgblue]

Mary was a little girl who didn't like school very much. She often fell asleep in class.

One day she was in RE class (religion), and she fell asleep i her chair.
Behind her sat a little boy named jimmy holding a sharp pin.
Her teacher asked her "Mary who is our savior the one who payed for our sins", mary didn't awake to answer the question.
Jimmy poked mary with his pin in her back, and instantly she jumped up and shouted "jesus christ",
"very good mary" said the teacher

Some minutes late, the teacher asked her " Mary who is the one who is our creator"?
Again mary remained in her slumber so again jimmy came to the rescue and poked mary with the pin again, and she jumped up and shouted "oh my god", "excellent mary", said the teacher

And again 5 minutes later the teacher asked her "Mary what did eve say to adam, when she was about to give birth to there 23rd child" once again jimmy poked mary with the pin,
then mary jumped up, turned to jimmy and said
"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I WILL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT IN YOUR ***"

The teacher fainted.

[blueboss]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that?' I asked

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'


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[blueboss]

This ones older than most of us on here.....but here goes.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman...The duck's owner, still in shock,tookthe bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."





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[blueboss]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, and put the paint on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens"!




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[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171214/64d37d7bf177004dd1380ba2a565a129.jpg


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[CitizenBBN]

OK, that one made me LOL. Good one.

[CitizenBBN]

A man is driving on an old country road at dusk when his car breaks down. Having no phone (this is the old days), he walks up to a farmhouse and the farmer offers to take him and the car into town in the morning and offers to let him sleep in the barn that night.

Having no other options and being a comfortable evening temperature wise he agrees.

The next morning the farmer comes to check on him and as he's coming to the barn the man bursts out yelling for the farmer.

The farmer asks him what is the matter and the man says "I can't believe it!!! You have a talking horse!!!!"

The farmer, now worried what kind of lunatic he's dealing with, tries to calm him down. The man insists the horse can talk and drags the farmer into the barn. The man tells the horse to talk and shockingly the horse says "OK, what would you like me to say?".

The farmer is gobsmacked, and immediately realizes he is also going to be a rich man. He's going on about how he can't believe it, how wonderful this is. The man then says "oh, that's not all! You have a talking cow too!" The farmer looks at him again in disbelief, now wondering if he's hallucinating.

So they go to the cow who immediately looks at the farmer and says "no, it's true, I can talk too." Again the farmer is stunned, and now sees even more money in his future.

But the man goes on. He says "oh, that's still not all." "What else" asks the farmer?

"Well not only do you have a talking horse and a talking cow, but your sheep can talk too!"

"THE SHEEP LIES!" screams the farmer.

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180119/077fb5f72ae7aa47d5c885520be0710b.jpg


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[CitizenBBN]

lol. That took me a second. :)

[blueboss]

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.




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[KSRBEvans]

Kurt Loder
‏
Good one: "An atheist, a vegan, and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. I only know that because they told everyone within two minutes." (via Anthony DeStefano)

4:18 PM - 20 Mar 2018

https://twitter.com/kurt_loder/status/976191267171393536

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180320/6b66945be483cd3020b867a95f1c9f7d.jpg


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[KSRBEvans]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DZzcyVwX0AA8Vdh.jpg

https://twitter.com/patrickmadrid/status/980901587450294272

[CitizenBBN]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DZzcyVwX0AA8Vdh.jpg

https://twitter.com/patrickmadrid/status/980901587450294272

Where's the joke? ;)

[blueboss]

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING IN AUSTRALIA!

oldguy
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying,
"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
She didn't jump.


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[blueboss]

Here’s an oldie...


Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab..
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets..
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired..

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said..

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "


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[blueboss]

The audit...


MYRON Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his Accountant, SAUL Meyers.

MYRON: (pleading): “Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?”

SAUL (calming); “Myron, don’t worry about it. I’ve got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it’s no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you’ve got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby . I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they’ll go easy on you.

Then MYRON called his Lawyer, CHARLIE Steinberg. His Lawyer said:

CHARLIE: “Myron it’s no problem, I’m sure they got the receipts, I’m sure everything is up to date, you’ve got a great accountant, don’t worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit. it’s very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you.”

And now he’s torn. And that night he bumped into his RABBI at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.

RABBI: “Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride’s father will tell his daughter that on her wedding
night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe...cover up, you know, be a little demure.
And the mother says, ‘Don’t be silly. Wear a low cut “negligee” with the cleavage sticking out --- look a little sexy’………… and Myron I will say to you just like I say to the Bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you’re gonna get fu&@“d...




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[blueboss]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon from New York says "I like accountants. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second surgeon from Chicago responds , "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."


The third surgeon from Dallas says, "I really think librarians are best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"


The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in , "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."


But the fifth surgeon from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed , "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... plus the head and ass are interchangeable.





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[blueboss]

Here’s a recycled but classic story

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:

"I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

And Hillary did so promise.

Through the entire 30 years of their marriage, Hillary had never looked.

But, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her. She lifted the lid and peeked inside.

Inside the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why there was such a box, and with those contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill.. For all these years, I kept
my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today
the temptation was too much and I gave in. And now I need to know, why
do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again.

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica.. I'm
disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, since you are
addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times is not
that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
took them to the recycling center."


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[blueboss]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm over eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."


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[CitizenBBN]

This is an oldie but for some reason one of my favorites:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.


His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”


The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[blueboss]

A rich Arab walks in a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a
guy nearby wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional
locks of hair. He knows this guy is Jewish.

So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear:
'drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there'.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile,
waves at him and says: 'thank you' in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to
smile and again yells: 'thank you'.

The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew? I've
ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he
does is smile and thank me.
The bartender replies: 'He owns the place'.



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[blueboss]

A Boeing 777 wide body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at 33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 1.5. The F16 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that is part of his state of the art 3 D & million-dollar headset the F16 youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain Watch this!”
>
>
> He promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep unimaginable vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier as the F16 screamed down at impossible G’s before levelling at almost sea level. The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot “What did you think of that?”
>
> The 777-pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
>
> The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
>
> Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
>
> The 777-pilot chuckled and said, “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company”
>
> Lesson of life:
>
> When you are young & foolish – speed & flash may seem like a good thing! When you get older & smarter – comfort & dullness is not such a bad thing!
>
> It’s called S.O.S. – Slower, Older and Smarter!
>
> Dedicated to all my friends at or approaching the S.O.S. category
>





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[blueboss]

VIDEO-2019-04-23-20-19-35.mp4

Ooops, can’t seem to copy it.


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[blueboss]

Nm

[blueboss]

VIDEO-2019-04-23-20-19-35.mp4

I give up...

[CitizenBBN]

Is it a video from your computer or from a website?

[blueboss]

Is it a video from your computer or from a website?

My phone, from an email I received.


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[blueboss]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

“Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

“1955, ma'am.”

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now .



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[dan_bgblue]

That is a good one boss.

[CitizenBBN]

I"m using that one.

[Darrell KSR]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

“Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

“1955, ma'am.”

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now .



Sent from my iPhone using TapatalkExcellent!

[blueboss]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....

(get ready)

'You just happened to catch my eye.'



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[dan_bgblue]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[blueboss]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".


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[MickintheHam]

Man with toothache goes to the dentist. Dentist Xrays tooth and tells the guy that the tooth needs to come out now. He motions for the nurse to get a needle to numb the gums. The man yells to the dentist, “I don’t want any needles. The dentist motions to the nurse to get some gas. The man tells the dentist I don’t want to be put to sleep.

Finally the dentist pulls open a drawer and puts a little blue pill in the man’s hand. “Take this the dentist instructs.” The man responded, “I didn’t know Viagra was also a pain killer.” “It’s not”, the dentist responded, “But, when I yank this tooth out of your damn mouth, you’re gonna want to grab something.”

[CitizenBBN]

blueboss -- Steven Wright does a joke like that which is great.

it's actually his longest joke. Not sure if the telling on the plane came from him or if his came from it.

“I was on a bus and I started talking to this blond Chinese girl and she said, ‘Hello,’ and I said, ‘Hello, isn’t it an amazing day?’

And she said, ‘Yes, I guess.’ And I said, ‘What do you mean, “I guess”?’

And she said, ‘Well, things haven’t been going too well for me lately.’ I said, ‘Why?’

She said, ‘I can’t tell you. I don’t even know you.’ And I said, ‘Yeah, but sometimes it’s good to tell your problems to a total stranger on a bus.’

And she said, ‘Well, I’ve just come back from my analyst and he’s still unable to help me.’ And I said, ‘What’s the problem?’

And she said, ‘I’m a nymphomaniac, and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys.’

Then she said, ‘By the way, my name is Diane.’ And I said, ‘Hello, Diane, I’m Bucky Goldstein.’”

[blueboss]

At an upper crust country club it was Tuesday which like at a lot of clubs it was ladies day.

A foursome of ladies began their round, and after finishing up the first hole, and while making their way to the second tee they kicked up a bee’s nest.

One of the ladies got stung several times, with members being members she jumped in the cart and headed to the pro shop to complain to the club pro about the bee’s nest and being stung.

She stormed into the pro shop and confronted the pro wailing about being stung and why were there bee’s nest on the course. The pro asked her where she was stung, she told him between the first and second holes. The club pro said look, I don’t know much about bee’s but I can tell you if you got stung between the first and second holes your stance is way too wide...


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[blueboss]

Going way back here...

What do you do with a rhinoceros with three balls???

Walk him and pitch to the elephant.


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[dan_bgblue]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[dan_bgblue]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Darrell KSR]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

[dan_bgblue]

A NetSurfer went into the local Pizza shop to get
a pizza.
When the pizza was ready the pizza shop man asked,
"Do you want me to cut it into six pieces or four?".
The NetSurfer replied;
"Four thanks, I don't think I could eat six."

[dan_bgblue]

A blonde went to an electronics store and asked 'how much for this TV?' The salesman said 'sorry we dont sell to blondes' The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said 'sorry we dont sell to blondes' she came back as a redhead and asked the salesman how much the TV was and he said 'sorry we dont sell to blondes' and she replied 'i came in here as a brutnette and a redhead. How do you know iam a blonde?' the salesman ' because this is'nt a TV, it's a microwave'

[dan_bgblue]

Some great ways to annoy people at work...

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Don't use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.

Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.

[dan_bgblue]

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

[dan_bgblue]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

[blueboss]

Origin of Yodeling

Or
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn,' said the farmer.

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing was disheveled and there was straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. She fetched a bottle of wine and took it out to the barn! And she did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father, as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"





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[blueboss]

A 10 year old girl asked her mommy, “mommy how was I born”?

The mother looked at her warmly and said:

Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a very special seed. You’re daddy took great care in planting it, and then I took over. Everyday taking care of it watering and nurturing it, then after a few months the special plant began to grow stronger and stronger, until one day it grew into a beautiful plant, then we knew it was time. We cut it down and dried the leaves and smoked it, we got so high we “$=^#>ed like crazy but forgot to use a condom.

...and here you are.


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[dan_bgblue]

A Lesson In Morals
Previous
Next

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chickeneggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190726/be1aec67ca473bb5771bfcc6006bfb6d.jpg


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[dan_bgblue]

Inconvenient Flowers

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[UKFlounder]

8265

[blueboss]

Inconvenient Flowers

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

That right there is funny!!!




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[catmanjack]

Good ones! The wal mart one was too funny!

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190802/3d4741653ef3186422e85f62502fc74d.jpg


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[CitizenBBN]

I never could fully enjoy I Dream of Jeannie b/c of the sheer stupidity of having a drop dead beautiful woman with nearly infinite powers over time and space at your beck and call and you're still going to work and paying bills.

Sure he's an astronaut, and that's a very cool job, but come on.

Oh, and she's completely crazy nuts about you too, but you push her away for years. Uh huh.

[blueboss]

I never could fully enjoy I Dream of Jeannie b/c of the sheer stupidity of having a drop dead beautiful woman with nearly infinite powers over time and space at your beck and call and you're still going to work and paying bills.

Sure he's an astronaut, and that's a very cool job, but come on.

Oh, and she's completely crazy nuts about you too, but you push her away for years. Uh huh.

What goes on in the bottle, stays in the bottle.


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[blueboss]

Which brings us to...

What do Greg Norman and Jennie have in common?

They both blew their masters.


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[dan_bgblue]

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/2a/d8/96/2ad896b7c70e05c28cb5954d1e394d95.jpg

[MickintheHam]

Which brings us to...

What do Greg Norman and Jennie have in common?

They both blew their masters.


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Which reminds me.....

Q: What do Karen Carpenter and Janis Joplin have in common?

A: But for a ham sandwich they would both be alive today.

[dan_bgblue]

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

[kingcat]

Which reminds me.....

Q: What do Karen Carpenter and Janis Joplin have in common?

A: But for a ham sandwich they would both be alive today.

Mama would laugh at that.

[kingcat]

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

hahaha!

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190816/429c3db923e7fd41dc0387a282e3ab91.jpg


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[dan_bgblue]

"What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?"

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[dan_bgblue]

How did the blonde die ice fishing?

She was hit by the zamboni.

[dan_bgblue]

Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets. The younger says, "I've never come this way before." The older one replies, "It's the cobblestones."

[dan_bgblue]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLazfBlUkfk

[dan_bgblue]

Q: What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."

[dan_bgblue]

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.

[dan_bgblue]

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

[blueboss]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.




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[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20191012/9a871dbb017e6b22ab044a9d5fd852f1.jpg


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[dan_bgblue]

Blech

[blueboss]

Blech

Sorry! Halloween joke...

Q: Why don’t witches wear panties

A: So they can get a better grip on the broom.


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[dan_bgblue]

Q: What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
A: Their balls are ornamental.

[ukpumacat]

I had not seen this thread yet and just read the entire thing. Awesome stuff.

I will add a couple of my favorites. Although, not sure how well they will come across in print form.

[ukpumacat]

A few years ago I was playing golf with a few of my closest friends. We get out once a month or so and always have a few beers and lots of laughs. One of my best buddies, Brion, has a bit of a temper. So anytime he shanks a shot we always just kind of brace for a cussing tirade.
This day was just not his day. He had already lost 2 sleeves of golf balls and was down to his last ball of the day. We had encouraged him to not worry about it, that we had plenty of golf balls to go around. But he kept telling us that if he loses his last one, he was done.
He made it a few more holes, and then we pulled up to #16.
This is my favorite hole on the course. Its a 165 yard Par 3 with an island green. Its surrounded by water and just sits there begging for you to go at the flag.
My buddy Luke teed off first. He hit a fantastic 8 iron just to the left of the flag.
I played a 7 just onto the fringe.
Max hit his about 4 inches from the flag.
Now here comes Brion. None of us wanted him to go home so we all encouraged him to just put it safely in the middle of the green.

Brion looked at us and said, "No. I'm going for the pin. And I'm telling you right now, if I hit this into the water I'm not just done with golf today...I'm done forever."

We all kind of just rolled our eyes because we knew he didn't mean it.

He steps up to the ball. Takes a perfect practice swing. We all brace for the worst. He steps toward the ball and takes one last look at the pin. And swings.
He hits about 6 inches behind the ball and the ball flies about 40 feet into the air before dropping into the pond.

"Are you fu**ing kidding me!!!!!" he screams. He takes his 6 iron and breaks it over his leg and throws it as far as he can.
Its not the first time we have seen him break a club but he seems extra pissed.

We all kind of just try to ignore his earlier threat and we grab our club and head to the carts. He huffs after us and we sit and wait while he fiddles with his bag.

All the sudden we notice that he has unstrapped his bag from the cart and heads for the water. With all his might he tosses it as far as he can. Its literally like watching slow motion as we see it turn over itself in the air.

Splash!!!!

We all watch in horror as it sinks to the bottom. Brion just keeps walking straight to the pro shop.

All of us just look at each other to check in that we all saw the same thing. We had seen him lose his temper before but not like this. We weren't even sure what to do. We figured he would probably grab a beer and cool off after a few minutes so we all head to the green to putt out.

Sure enough, after about 15 minutes Brion comes walking back to the 16th.
We all just kind of look and my buddy Luke says, "Told ya he would be back. He always comes back."

Brion walks down to the water and begins to get in. We all just kind of laugh as we watch him fetch his bag out of the shallow part of the pond. He's waist deep and I keep thinking how gross the bottom of that pond is.

He grabs his bag and pulls it out. Unzips the side zipper and looks at all of us while we are all staring at what we are watching and chuckling under our breath.

"Hurry up and get up here Brion, let's go play the 17th", Max shouts.

Brion holds up his right hand and says, "Forgot my fu**ing keys" and walks back to the pro shop.

[Darrell KSR]

Lol. I love it. Worth the long build up.

[dan_bgblue]

Why do drivers' education classes in Indiana schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?


Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

[blueboss]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.



Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is

Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.



Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.



After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it

recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of

Mycoxafloppin.



Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,

Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available

in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power

beverage suitable for use as a mixer..



It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.



Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new

meaning to the names of 'cocktails’,'highballs' and just a good

old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.



Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on

breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.



This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population

with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection

of what to do with them.




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[Owenchon]

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it..

..my illegal logging business is a success.

[Owenchon]

A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”

The country boy replies,

“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

[Owenchon]

Hey Bob, do you shower after sex?

Well, of course I do.

Great, could you please get laid more often?

[Owenchon]

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[Owenchon]

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog.

[Owenchon]

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and I asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

[Darrell KSR]

Owenchon, you are on a roll!

[KSRBEvans]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3jx4WIUYy4&pbjreload=10

[Owenchon]

Owenchon, you are on a roll!

Hahaha! And there's more where that came from. My wife and kids are definitely having none of my jokes at home, so the internet is my alternative for my ideas.

[Owenchon]

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here.

A time traveler walks into a bar..

[Owenchon]

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

[Owenchon]

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him..

but this isn't even my final form.

[Owenchon]

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

[Owenchon]

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

[CitizenBBN]

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

I really like that one. :)

[Owenchon]

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

[Owenchon]

A Mexican magician was doing a vanishing trick.

He said he'd disappear on the count of three.

Uno.

Dos.

Poof!

He disappeared without a tres.

[Owenchon]

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

[CitizenBBN]

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

That's good.

[blueboss]

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.




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[Darrell KSR]

Kinda NSFW-ish, so be careful. Just the topic, nothing visual and language not bad.

https://twitter.com/RealMattCouch/status/1241171397432541185/video/1

[dan_bgblue]

Hope that was a good donut

[Catfan73]

Reminds me of the guy that just wanted a cheese sandwich.

[blueboss]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:


Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. March 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.




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[dan_bgblue]

That man is my hero

[blueboss]

https://youtu.be/Fn8MxJx_erk


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[Darrell KSR]

No comment.

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/94312914_10100949519388028_5323234968342626304_n.j pg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=XRIAvZxWnHkAX_QGW_T&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=582a0267c8401fb3d393908d628c196a&oe=5ED0FE44

[blueboss]

No comment.

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/94312914_10100949519388028_5323234968342626304_n.j pg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=XRIAvZxWnHkAX_QGW_T&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=582a0267c8401fb3d393908d628c196a&oe=5ED0FE44

Even though the C19 is no joking matter, do you think it’d be okay to start a virus joke thread. There are a slew of them out there.


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[DanISSELisdaman]

A guy walked into an eatery and ordered a bowl of chili. He was seated and the waitress brought his chili and he ate it and was about to order another bowl, when he noticed an old cowboy staring into a bowl of chili in front of him, looking kind of pale. He said old timer are you going to eat that chili and the old guy just shook his head. He then asked, do you mind if I eat it then? Again the old timer shook his head. The guy got the chili and began to eat and when he had finished about half of the bowl, he spooned up a dead mouse. He then proceeded to vomit the chili back into the bowl. The old timer said, that's about how far I got with it before I found the mouse too son.

[blueboss]

"There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. " -


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[blueboss]

Nvm


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[blueboss]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....



The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?

I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'

When I asked him why, he said,

'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shi! cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


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[blueboss]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for a little while..

Finally, the rabbi says, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"



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[blueboss]

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Religion
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"


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[blueboss]

At A Brothel In Montana...

The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.
May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Great Falls."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.




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[blueboss]

I know we have several people that contribute to this site that share the same profession that the above joke is aimed at. So I’d like to apologize to the prostitutes that are a part of this community


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[blueboss]

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house! "The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


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[blueboss]

the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other six Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked: "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"
"Oh, no sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!" "You'd swear to that...?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere.." insisted Ted.
"Good. Then YOU fire her."
Miss Floyd the Secretary


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[Darrell KSR]

ROFL. That was great, and caught me completely off guard.

[dan_bgblue]

On today's episode of 'Discussions with Libs'
SUBJECT...$15.00 PER HOUR MINIMUM WAGE

Libs -- 'We need to be more like Sweden and Denmark'
Host -- 'but neither Sweden nor Denmark have a minimum wage'
Libs -- 'You're racist'

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210414/3e15afdc55acf56876b3477d0903b862.jpg


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[catmanjack]

Blueboss good stuff!

[Darrell KSR]

Blueboss has the best jokes.

[Darrell KSR]

I was watching the local news tonight about a story involving a man admitted to the hospital. It seems they found 25 toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

[BigBluePappy]

I was watching the local news tonight about a story involving a man admitted to the hospital. It seems they found 25 toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

10016

[blueboss]

I was watching the local news tonight about a story involving a man admitted to the hospital. It seems they found 25 toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

😂 timing is everything! Happy Derby.

What was that skit on SNL where the rural type guy kept going to the Dr with various things trapped around back.


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[blueboss]

Blueboss has the best jokes.

Thanks, I have a lot of funny friends and pass them along.


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[blueboss]

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each others stories.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"Perfect, you're on"

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"Yeah, boy! Let's do it!"

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"OK, let's give it a try!"




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[blueboss]

One day, an elderly man, Jimmy, was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”

“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.

“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”

“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Mary pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.”

She parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

"Bubba, take whatever you want."

"So I took the truck!”

“You’re a smart man, Bubba! Them clothes wouIda never fit you.”




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[CitizenBBN]

Just told those last two to the peanut gallery here. They were a big hit. :)

[dan_bgblue]

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,r>
Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’

At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’

[dan_bgblue]

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agent asks where and how do you deposit all this money?

The old man explains I know how to gamble.

Impossible no man can gamble daily and deposit as much as you do

Ok let's make a bet. I bet you $500 I can lick my eye.

The agent observes him for a minute and say fine $500.

The old man pops out his glass eye and licks it.

The IRS agent in disbelief he just lost $500 said that it wasn't enough proof.

Alright fine I bet you $1000 I can bite my other eye with my teeth.

The agent took a minute and made sure there was absolutely know way it was possible and said ok $1000.

The old man pops out his dentures and bites his other eye.

The agent now in total dismay but still wanting to win said that he still wasn't convinced that he couldnt make this much money daily off cheep gimyics like this.

So the old man said you're right here's how I make my real money. I bet you $50000 I can stand on the opposite side of your desk sideways and piss in the can without spilling a drop on your desk.

The agent looked carefully and thought hard measured the desk and the distance and finally agreed $5000 but not a single drop.

The old man stands to one side of the desk and pees all over the place. Soiling all the documents on the agents desk and soaking his chair in urine.

The agent begins jumping with joy and celebrating that he just got $5000 from the old man. Meanwhile the man's lawyer was crying.

Curious the agent asked what was wrong to which the lawyer responded I bet him $30000 he couldn't piss on your desk and have you be happy about it.....

[PedroDaGr8]

Came across this video and this guy is hilarious. I'm also amazed at his ability to be this funny in a non-native language.

https://youtu.be/RAGcDi0DRtU

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[blueboss]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”


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[dan_bgblue]

Give a liberal a fish, and he eats fora day. Teach a liberal to fish, and he will demand that you give him free fish for a year.
And speaking of bigger fish, A young girl and Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) are arguing about whether humans can be swallowed by whales. AOC says that it's impossible for whales to swallow humans because whales have small throats. The little girl says, "How can this be? Jonah got swallowed by a whale." AOC says, "That's not even a true story." The girl says,"When I go to heaven, I'll ask him." AOC says, "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven?" The girl says, "Then you ask him.”

[Catfan73]

Apparently there’s a new glass coffin fad. I’m not sure how popular it really is though. Remains to be seen.

[dan_bgblue]

Apparently there’s a new glass coffin fad. I’m not sure how popular it really is though. Remains to be seen.

:musik29:

[Darrell KSR]

Apparently there’s a new glass coffin fad. I’m not sure how popular it really is though. Remains to be seen.Love this one.

[blueboss]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot Bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice from heaven asked, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the Voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."


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[blueboss]

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives??

1 Mrs. Hippie 2 Mrs. Hippie 3 Mrs. Hippie…


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[dan_bgblue]

:trink39:

[Catfan73]

I think my girlfriend might be a ghost. I had my suspicions the first time she walked thru the door.

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210731/0be95a8c82f79e4d1015aea5feac3dcc.jpg


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[blueboss]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


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[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210821/5d12843cd7df6928b16100fe5a9d2745.jpg


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[Darrell KSR]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210821/5d12843cd7df6928b16100fe5a9d2745.jpg


Sent from my iPhone using TapatalkOmg that's hysterical

[blueboss]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'


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[dan_bgblue]

I can see and hear a few famous comedians telling that joke, and all of them would have made me laugh.

[blueboss]

A guy walks into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, “why are you drinking so fast”? The guys answers, “you’d be drinking fast too if you had what I have”.

The bartender asks, “what do you have”?

The guy says, “.75 cents”.


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[dan_bgblue]

Oh my

[blueboss]

Oh my

I know, but I just pass them along. Gotta take the good with bad. Anyway here we go again…

HOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN?
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean? His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal. That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again......are you sure these plates are clean? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says.....I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore! Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!


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[blueboss]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Larry’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Larry’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’”

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, “Do whatever you want.”

So, Here I am…


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[blueboss]

I can not shop at Costco anymore :-)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,


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[dan_bgblue]

:sHa_clap2:

[CitizenBBN]

Thats a really good one :unworthy:

[dan_bgblue]

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.


Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.


Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.


"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.


The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

[blueboss]

Yesterday morning, I bought two six packs of beer on sale at Publix.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her braless breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a
sexy voice, “I am a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be
interested in trading sex for beer"?

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?”


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[blueboss]

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 20 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."


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[blueboss]

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.

I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.

I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem."

'Now, just take a deep breath.

Everything will be fine!

Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I am sitting."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....

"Repeat after me: Our Father.....Who art in Heaven......"


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[Catfan73]

Bob and his wife started a new diet together. After a couple of weeks Bob’s wife proposed a cheat day.

Bob’s wife brought home McRibs and fries.

Bob brought home his secretary.

Bob’s new diet consists of whatever he can get thru a straw since his jaw is wired shut.

[blueboss]

One day a boy told his grandpa, "grandpa make a frog sound" The grandfather asked why? The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak we are going to Hawaii."


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[IkeCat]

Q: What's that old dried-up thing on Grandma?









A: Grandpa

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220215/f0514b1e9d0271cbf9c8d83e9a8103cc.jpg


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[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220219/588801c4f2eb2512a211b1f05820c249.jpg


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[dan_bgblue]

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.
One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“

Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“

The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone 11 Pro smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.

The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.

Within seconds, he receives an email to his iPhone 11 Pro to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“

“That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“

Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.

After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“

The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“

“No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

[dan_bgblue]

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

[dan_bgblue]

Why couldn't the cowboy please his partner?

He thought 8 seconds was some kind of record

[dan_bgblue]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220310/15d4ba9ce7e5aa8fabe796ba16a5b8f4.jpg


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[blueboss]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
"quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the
apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot."
he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put
their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company." he
called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders
are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The
Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled. his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out.
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with
a Popsicle!!


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[Catfan73]

:sHa_dielaughing:

[dan_bgblue]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OPhAE6uJN4

[KSRBEvans]

What's the difference between a promotion ceremony for an O-3 and one for an O-4?

Nothing Major.

(If you're current or former Army or Marines, you're chuckling to yourself right now.)

[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220424/d06482e2156db78abd5234bd62b530c9.jpg


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[Darrell KSR]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220424/d06482e2156db78abd5234bd62b530c9.jpg


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Oh, that is so bad/good lol.

[blueboss]

Oh, that is so bad/good lol.

Doc will hate it…


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[blueboss]

A Tennessee State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”


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[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220429/5b6c4708524eec25c667a17d911b13d8.jpg


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[dan_bgblue]

The ole cowboy
An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know sh**?”

[dan_bgblue]

The secret to a long life…
The secret to a long life...

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Catfan73]

The next time you’re feeling down, remember that it’s all about perspective.

For example, I have a friend that has sex 4 to 5 times a week, works out 2 times a day, and has time to read a new book every week. Yet he still complains about prison.

[dan_bgblue]

:action-smiley-060:

[blueboss]

I may have posted this before…but I like it.



A guy walks into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

Bartender asks, “Dang, why are drinking so fast!?!?”

The guy says, “You’d be drinking fast too if you had what I had.”

The bartender asks, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “.75 cents.”


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[Catfan73]

My wife said I should start doing lunges to get healthier.

That would be a big step forward.

[dan_bgblue]

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these 2 chickens left for the day as well. I'm giving them to you for free so we can both go home, OK?"
Obviously a great deal, our mister takes them and heads towards the village.

On his way back, he sees a nun. She asks him:
"Kind mister, I am trying to get to the local monastery, but I do not know the way. Can you please help me?"

Always eager to help, our mister explains that the monastery is very close, just over a ridge and offers the nun to walk with her there. Blushing a bit, she says:

"I am not very sure about this. I am afraid that on the way there you might decide to take advantage of me..."

Laughing, the guy says:

"How do you see this happening? Don't you see how overburdened I am? I am carrying a vise, a duck and 2 chickens. There is no way I can keep these and do that."


"Oh but there is a way... You can always put the duck on the ground, cover it with the basket and put the vise on top to make sure it doesn't run away..."

"Yes.. But what about the 2 chickens?" says the guy laughing again.

"Oh don't worry about the chickens... I can hold them for you."

[blueboss]

There are three moles in a tunnel.
The first one says “I smell sugar”.
The second one says “I smell cinnamon”.
The third one says “I smell molasses”.

…remember to tip you waiters and waitresses, I’ll be back next Saturday!!!


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[Catfan73]

There’s not much better than moleasses on a hot buttered biscuit.

[blueboss]

Did you hear about the Dr who amputated a man’s toe, and replaced it with prosthetic made out of breath mints???

He gave him a Tic Tac toe.


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[CitizenBBN]

OK, you got that from an old Bazooka Joe didn't you? ;)

[blueboss]

OK, you got that from an old Bazooka Joe didn't you? ;)

Popsicle stick…


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[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220609/6e29447ea8d6c5a5f1537eee54731d73.jpg


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[blueboss]

I just took a leaflet out my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 73.

Great news, because I live at number 71, which isn’t too far to walk home afterwards. Plus it’s on the same side of the street, I don’t even have to cross the road.


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[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220712/6d48b522247200aab817badb79b679dd.jpg
I’ll try to have better posts


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[blueboss]

Two 90 year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

One day Frank said, "Leo, we both loved playing baseball and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there.

"Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, "Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Leo passed away.

A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Frank ... Frank …"

"Who is it?" asked Frank sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

“Leo. it's me, Leo."

"You're not Leo. Leo just died."

"I'm telling you it's me, Leo," insisted the voice.

"Leo! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Leo. "I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

"Tell me the good news first," said Frank.

"The good news," Leo said, "is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Frank. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"



"You're pitching Tuesday."






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[CitizenBBN]

lol, I liked that one.

[blueboss]

This may already have been posted, but sadly it never gets old….

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know beans about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”


“Now give me back my dog.”


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[blueboss]

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the fourth time. When asked about her marriages she explained; her first husband was a banker, her second husband was a circus ring master, her third husband was a preacher, and finally her fourth husband was an undertaker.

When asked about the wide variety of her husbands careers, she explained….

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.


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[dan_bgblue]

Jill and Joe Biden go to a steakhouse for dinner. Jill says, “I will have the petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter.” The waiter asks, “What about your vegetable?” Jill replies, “Oh, he will have the same.”

[dan_bgblue]

"Biden Vows To Power Through Illness And Continue Ruining Country Over Zoom"

-"Joe Biden Calls Obama To Wish Him A Speedy Recovery After Hearing The President Has COVID"

[dan_bgblue]

Joe had a meeting with his cabinet today. He then spoke to his dresser, and yelled at his desk.

[dan_bgblue]

“Buy a man a fish, He day, teach man, to a lifetime” *Joe Biden

[Catfan73]

I find these offensive and not in the least bit funny Dan. He is the president after all.

[UKFlounder]

10315

[blueboss]

10315

Lol!!!


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[Catfan73]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[blueboss]

Boom!!

Don’t forget to tip your waiters and waitresses, Catfan will be here all this week!!!


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[Catfan73]

Hah. It was probably already posted in the thread somewhere but who’s keeping track?

[blueboss]

A little old school humour for us this morning! 😆
Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


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[blueboss]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.



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[dan_bgblue]

Deep thinker for sure.

[blueboss]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's
nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and
charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple
would make an appointment, have sex with no
problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are
you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the
husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm
married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday
Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do
it here for $50……and I get $43 back from Medicare!


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[blueboss]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The woman says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."


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[blueboss]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220927/11262a65f4ecf1fd5928cf8af31e0dbf.jpg


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[blueboss]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,

'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'


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[Darrell KSR]

LOL!

[CitizenBBN]

OK, I'm using that one. :)

[dan_bgblue]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/902qqv_Zsec

[Darrell KSR]

OK, I'm using that one. :)

It kinda checks all the boxes that it's funny, but can still be told in polite company.

[dan_bgblue]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Q9khRDvGHkk

[blueboss]

Here’s an oldie…

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks,
'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seen
nobody do it!'


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[CitizenBBN]

lol. Uh, not sure what to do with that one....